The British Invasion - Pilot

1/2 Hour Sitcom - New Series, 46 pages
Comedy

Posted by JohnJJoseph

Written by John J Joseph

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In a fit of utter desperation, an aspiring but failing English rock band decide to emigrate to the US for one last shot at the big time.

Episode Synopsis

After yet another dreadful review the band discuss whether or not to call it a day. A suggestion is made to move to the states for one last crack at stardom. The only problem is they're broke, they're no good and their settled bass player's reluctant to go.....

Weekly Top Ten List

Weeks on Chart: 3
Peak Position: #2 (December 04, 2011)

Posted December 28, 2011, 3:47 pm by John Adcox

I really love the idea of this. This has the potential to be a strong and sellable project. With a little polish, you can have something special here. In its current form, though, it kinda leaves me cold. I think these guys need to be a little more lovable, and they need a few more really hard laughs.

A few suggestions ... I'm not sure where I am. Can we have a shot or two, or even a brie montage, to set the scene before the opening?

I am not a fan of the "we see" in scripts. It puts the action on the viewer, rather than the character. Maybe: A young, average-looking guy, 24, snores loudly in a dissolved bed.

Also, a description would be nice since we don't know these characters yet.

Do alarm clocks show PM? Would there be a more visual way to show that it's late afternoon, and give us a bit of a laugh? Also, the fuck limits you to cable. Necessary?

Why does he have an alarm set? He doesn't seem to have any place to be, right?

How do we know what he's remembering? Maybe he scrawled a note to himself on the bathroom mirror?

When they read the review, could see see flashback to see what's being described?

The talk in the pub has a lot of exposition with no real laugh lines. Punch it up a little?

Might also want to proof better ... there are many, many missing commas, which makes it a little hard to read. Also, some periods should b question marks, etc.

The conversation on page 16 seems like more of the same, without adding more to the character development, or serious laughs.

The bit with setting Tel up doesn't seem funny; it just seems, well, mean. If Tel were in a bad situation, losing his soul in a bad relationship, we'd be rooting for him to get out and live his dream,, even if he sucks. Now, we're rooting for the leads to fail. I get the tome you're going for, and I like a good antihero as much as the next man. it's just leaving me cold.

You could almost do away with the firing scene. We know what's happening. Seeing the boss's face turn red, and seeing Tel slink out later gets the message across. If it stays, it needs to be funnier.

Posted November 11, 2011, 9:16 am by JohnJJoseph

Just as long as you explain why