First Choices in crafting scenes

FIRST CHOICES

by Jim Kalergis 

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

E. Hemingway

This Hemingway quotation about “bleeding over a typewriter” got me thinking about the choices we make as writers. 

There are times I sit down to write when the words flow like liquid chocolate in Umpa Lumpa Land, and I think to myself, "nothing to this writing stuff"! 

What’s going on? Why do my first efforts seem so natural and perfect? Then I take a hard look at my work and realize it’s familiar and comfortable because I’ve seen similar work a hundred times before… and so have you… and so have readers and audiences everywhere. 

Are there “natural writers” out there who can effortlessly crank out a brilliant first draft all the while basking in the joy of creation? I suspect there are, but I’ve never met one. 

Here’s how it works for me… 

FIRST CHOICES – As often as not stale, yawn-worthy, bordering on cliché or already across that line… but easy to write. 

Example: 

BOB 

Mom’s dead, Jerry. She’s gone. 

Jerry comes apart. Can hardly speak. Tears stream down his cheeks. 

JERRY 

How… how can that be? I spoke to her on the  phone just last night. 

BOB 

She died in her sleep. Heart attack. 

The two brothers embrace, comforting one another. 

FADE TO BLACK 

Nah.

SECOND CHOICES – Feels like work now, but got to get original here! 

BOB 

Mom’s dead, Jerry. She died in her sleep last night. 

JERRY 

Mom’s d… dead? 

Jerry faints, dead away, falls to the floor. 

Bob drops to his knees, and takes his brother in his arms. 

Jerry opens his eyes. 

BOB 

We’ll get through this, big brother. We will! 

FADE TO BLACK 

Nah.

THIRD CHOICES  – "Bleeding over the keyboard.”  

BOB 

I’ve got really bad news. 

Suspecting he’s about to be had, Jerry gives his brother a look.

JERRY 

Give me the good news first. 

BOB 

There is no good news. 

(beat) 

Mom’s dead. 

JERRY  (nervous laughing)  Not funny! 

BOB 

I’m serious.  

JERRY 

Yeah, and I’m Roebuck. Get it? Like 

“Sears and Roebuck”, only, “Serious and RoeBuck”? 
And anyway, I had lunch with Mom just yesterday, 
so cut the crap. 

BOB 

Mom died in her sleep last night. We don’t know the
cause of death yet. 

JERRY 

This really isn’t funny, Bobby! 

BOB 

I’m not trying to be funny! She’s gone. 

JERRY 
SCREW YOU! 

Jerry charges his brother. 

Bob backs up and falls over the coffee table. Jerry's right on him! 

Grunting and groaning, the brothers wrestle around on the floor. 

Bob begins to whimper... like a lost child. 

Jerry’s taken aback. 

They stop fighting. 

JERRY 

Mom’s really gone? 

Bob breaks down into full blown tears. 

BOB 

Yeah. 

There on the floor, Jerry holds his brother close. 

JERRY 

I’m sorry, little brother. I’m sorry. 

FADE TO BLACK 

-------------------------- 

I’ll have to go back and set up Bob as having a sick sense of humor so that the scene works, but that will add depth to the character, and now I at least have a start on something original. 

That first choice may feel right, but rarely is it the best possible choice. As often as not, our third choice is the charm.  

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If you’re a writer, director, producer or development pro in need of ghostwriting, analysis, rewrite, or editing services, let’s talk. 

My email:  screenplayrewrite@earthlink.net

Jim Kalergis