CAN YOU FOLLOW THIS TRAIN?

by Dave Trottier

The following are the first two paragraphs of a screenplay written by one of my clients (before he became a client).

EXT. TRAIN - DAY 

We see the skyline of New York from a train.  Painted on the side of it are words that say, Brooklyn Railroad.  It’s going very fast and has a gray look to it.

INT. TRAIN - DAY

Inside the train are all kinds of commuters.  They are from every age and ethnic group and they fill the train car clean up. 

They are all headed to work in New York City as can be plainly seen from their working clothes.  A bunch of them cannot find seats and must stand.  One of them is SALLY STANWICK, who has piercing blue eyes and long, flowing locks of blonde hair.  She is in her mid twenties and is wearing a silk blouse with a pink sweater over it and a plain black cotton skirt.  She senses someone behind her and turns to see a young man giving her the eye and smiling at her in a very peculiar way. 

These big blocks of black ink are guaranteed to discourage any reader. 

Let’s see if we can’t whittle it down a little while being specific in describing images and actions. 

FADE IN:

A speeding silver train races down the tracks towards Manhattan. 

A sign on the train reads: “BROOKLYN RAILROAD.” 

INT. TRAIN - DAY

Working professionals crowd the train car.  Some stand.

Among them is SALLY STANWICK, 25, pretty in a simple cotton dress.  She turns abruptly, sensing someone’s stares.  

A young man in a suit greets her with a smug smile.

Now this is not brilliant writing, but it serves our purposes here.  

The first image is the train, establishing departure location and destination.  

The second image is of the people in the train car.  

The third paragraph describes a character and her action.  

And the fourth describes the actions of the second character.

Please note that I omit Sally’s eye and hair color to keep casting options open.  I omit the specifics of her clothes because they are irrelevant in this particular instance.  I give her a simple cotton dress as a way to comment on her character—this is an uncomplicated young woman.

Why have I provided this example? 

In a word, make sure your dialogue and narrative description are lean and move the story forward.  Doing so will help your career move forward as well. 

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Dave Trottier is the author of The Screenwriter’s Bible and writes a regular column for Script Magazine (www.scriptmag.com) under the name Dr. Format.

Be sure to check out his website, keepwriting.com.