Script of the Month Winners
December, 2024
A lonely, elderly man with a passion for gardening has his life turned upside down when a true-crime podcaster focuses her investigation on him as the key suspect in the unsolved decades-old disappearance of his daughter.
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Under the Daffodils is a crime-drama that combines a decades-old unsolved disappearance with a true-crime podcaster after both truth and fame. Was the girl's adoptive father responsible for her death, and was there even a crime done at all? All interesting questions, and a worthwhile setup for a game of psychological cat and mouse. While the current draft has laid out a good foundation, from a lonely, broken foster-father to a young, aggressive podcaster willing to skirt the lines of ethics, right now it feels like the author has not made up his mind whether it is to be more of a whodunit, where facts and ultimately the truth form the backbone or more a mental game of accusations and decades-old guilt.
November, 2024
During the Christmas season, big city journalist Megan Whitney is dispatched to small town Mistletoe to report on a small, local movie theater trying to stay afloat while a new big retail chain IMAX prepares to open its doors on Christmas Day, a feud so bitter it might turn bloody.
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Hallmark of the Beast is a script that seems to want to be a tongue-in-cheek holiday movie with a side dish of horror, a Hallmark movie turned dark. That is an interesting strategy since many holiday-oriented movies these days add sprinkles of different genres to make them stand out. However, the current draft feels undercooked in a bunch of fundamental areas, from the underlying logic of the story itself to the unearned feeling of it's romantic subplots. The author needs to bolster the basic theater conflict, find a meaningful rationale for the sabotage, figure out an ending that feels like a real resolution and conclusion, and then layer the ill-fated romance and comedy on top of that solid structure.
October, 2024
When a mild-mannered father of a superhero fixated son gets zapped with a special power of his own, can he use it to face his greatest fear and become the real life hero his family is soon going to need?
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Corey's Hero is a family action-drama that is an easy read but which, in the current draft, seems to be lacking foundational work to establish an effective emotional and structural arc that might get audiences invested and interested. The protagonist, Nick, is a good father, has a good job, loves his wife, just a regular Joe, so when he gets zapped and endowed with some minor superpowers, what problem in his life is that meant to solve, or to allow him to use to become a better man, and thus be a Hero in son Corey's eyes where perhaps he wasn't previously? Related to that, the use of superpowers to help Nick identify and overcome the bad guys (relating to a bomb plot at a theme park) is going to be seen by some as being more of a crutch than an essential, conveniently giving him info that otherwise he'd have to work to discover.
September, 2024
When her best friend is accused of murder, a pioneer farmwife launches her own investigation but finds the only other possible suspect is her own husband.
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Jury of Her Pers is a very competently written contained mystery that has all the elements for an easily shot micro-budget film, although as it is based on a short story from the early 1900s, one has to wonder if the underlying setting and time period might have benefitted from being updated and modernized. In changing things up, my feeling is that the author made some smart choices as well as a few that don't seem to add new dimensions to a tale that is steeped in morals and perspectives from so long ago. I would just encourage the author to think a bit on what he intends as the core theme, from an emotional point of view, and if his interpretation of the short story keeps true to that of the original.
August, 2024
A disgraced Abu-Ghraib guard faces an unpitying town to keep a promise to his fallen friend.
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Bleeding Kansas is a dark drama that feels inherently informative and watchable and buoyed by descriptive writing, yet in its current draft it does not feel like it contains enough of an arc, for the protagonist or the overall story, to keep a viewer engaged. The framework and setting are fine, the character is suitably broken and downtrodden, but the script never really explores the underlying psychology, the rationales, the excuses, the shame and even the local animosity towards him in a nuanced way that would allow the subject matter to shine, from all sides of the issue.
Writing a story where psychology inherently plays such a central role can be a tough task as the story then has to show those emotions, the scars, the PTSD even, in the actions of the characters. Whether based on a true story or not, facing what he has done, admitting his own failings yet coming to understand that he can find a way forward, that is what I feel readers and viewers will want and be attracted to in a finished film, if and when that side of the story is beefed up.
July, 2024
While a recovering alcoholic rebuilds her own life, she begins to suspect that her little sister's Olympic-bound boyfriend is abusing her and turns to her estranged husband for help.
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When She Doesn't Smile is a self-contained script about family dynamics and relationships, abuse and infidelity, alcohol dependency and recovery, topics that are all eminently worth exploring. While the story does a good job at contrasting two sisters and their relationships which are in very different phases, the script could use more depth and history to inform both what and why the characters do what they do. Hurt and anger digs deep, not easily given up, and excusing bad behavior and abuse can become a self-sustaining habit...the better we understand everyone's inner feelings the more we will become emotionally invested in the outcome.
June, 2024
Based on a true story. The imprisoned leader of the "Women's' Battalion of Death" recounts her life as she tries to convince her Bolshevik interrogators that she is a Russian patriot.
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Yashka is an ably-written script that tackles an admirable historical figure, a female Russian peasant who successfully lobbied for and subsequently commanded an entirely female battalion that fought for Russia near the end of World War I. With the rise of Me Too and increased focus on gender equality in modern times, it is refreshing to be made aware of stories of women who were years ahead of their time in their demands for rights and respect.
The difficulty this script might have in getting made feels twofold: First, as currently structured, it tries to tell her whole life story instead of focusing more narrowly on the creation of the Womens' Battalion, which we feel should be the overarching theme and through-line. Second, modern Western audiences likely won't have a good handle on all the political players and factions that existed in Russia over 100 years ago, from the Tsar to the Bolsheviks, the February Revolution to the October Revolution, even the ebbs and flows of WWI around 1917, which can make it a bit difficult to follow at times.
May, 2024
With the help of a long-dead cowboy, a recently divorced woman looking for new beginnings, renovates a ghost town, which leads her to an unusual love triangle.
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Darlin's is a light, whimsical romance that combines a modern wild west setting with the ghosts of some notorious 19th century gunslingers. While the situation is cut and the writing proficient, underlying plot and story doesn't yet have a strong enough hook and journey/arc for the female protagonist to really grab the reader. Additionally, the worldbuilding is a tad confusing, without understandable rules about how these ghosts interact with the modern world, who can see and touch them and who cannot.
If the author makes the story more personal, giving the heroine a clear starting point where we know what is lacking in her life, then making it clear how this cadre of ghosts is appearing to guide her to where she needs to be in life before they fade out themselves, job done, it is my belief that the emotional heart of the story will begin to emerge, which is where the story needs to be.
April, 2024
When a marauding gang of desperadoes terrorize towns in the 1800s with sheriffs and posses refusing to pursue them, a Bible-totin' widow sets out to track them down and bring them to justice, or die trying. (see notes)
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Sarah Runner is a quite competently written faith-adjacent Western that feels like a first draft where the bones are in place but still not quite fleshed out. Expanded from a short script to a feature, the characters feel a bit too bland and generic, including the role and integration of religion, thus the task for the author is to flesh it all out, to craft backstories, then to be sure the story itself serves as a vehicle for the heroine to have a real character arc, from timid frontier wife who justifies her situation via biblical parables to a self reliant, assured badass.
March, 2024
With nothing but her wits as a weapon, a young Mayan woman travels three continents to free her folk of the iron grip of the coffee dealers.
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Bitter Beans is a script with its thematic heart in the right place, exploring the plight of poor coffee farmers in rural Mexico. While this equality and fairness theme can inherently find an audience, right now heroine Conchita's adventure feels somewhat unrealistic, and the script's reliance on a global coffee competition to reach a good ending seems to partly invalidate Conchita's efforts and education.
February, 2024
When a man cheats on his wife, the repercussions drive a wedge between friends and family, culminating in his mistress and estranged wife competing in a local ankle contest.
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The Last Great Ankle Contest is a light family drama that deals with the fallout when a 50s husband (and father of two) is caught cheating on his wife with a much younger woman. While the script itself is reasonably well written, making it a breeze to get through (a good sign for the writer's screenwriting skills), in its current incarnation the script is too focused on what happens instead why it happens, which makes it difficult to figure how the story will get readers, producers and audiences invested in these characters, who might be very relatable if we understood where they were coming from.
May, 2021
When struggling single mother has her baby abducted, she teams up with another woman to figure out how to get their children back from an illegal adoption ring.
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SWEET TOOTH (a rather odd title for this particular tale) presents a very familiar subject matter. And while the themes and pacing are fine, we get the strong sense that the basic story has been told to better effect many times before - in all mediums. There isn't enough here that seems original or inspired - and the script makes a disappointing artistic decision by revealing the identities of the main criminals way too soon, killing almost any sense of mystery.
A woman soldier returns to civilian life after serious injuries, marries and goes all out to win over her step-daughter.
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The material demonstrates some valuable and worthwhile early work that needs to be done as part of the screenwriting process. It is crucial to understand character development and exposition in order to write screenplays with emotional depth and thematic resonance, but not all of this conceptual work can (or should) make its way to the finished product so explicitly. This draft is extremely heavy on backstory, and extremely light on present tense conflict. This can be corrected, but it will require a fairly substantial overhaul of the fundamental story structure.
Recipe for romance: Mix together one beautiful widow with an adorable 5-year-old son who wants a dog for Christmas and a handsome next-door-neighbor who has a rambunctious but loving Boxer. For a little spice, add handsome man's ex-fiance and widow's aggressive male friend. Stir well and voila! The results are a fun-filled holiday story. (see notes)
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A screenplay like this may have value as a personal exercise in craft and technique, but it is not the kind of project buyers are actively looking for, nor is it the optimal choice to display the range of the writer's talents. The most one can really hope for when taking a stab at a classical unadorned Hallmark-type project is the screenplay equivalent of a crochet doily—admirable, in part, for its craftsmanship, but mostly because it closely resembles all the others in the set.
February, 2021
An ornery florist comes up with creative ways for the 100-year-old loveable, town founder to die more quickly to prevent his supermarket with a floral shop from opening and to sell a bunch of flowers at his funeral, while the florists' happy-go-lucky, pushover husband tries to stop her.
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LILY OF THE VALLEY presents a convincing and fun, small town - and some of the characters on display are certainly eccentric and distinctive. But the story itself takes a while to really get going (Act One needs less exposition and more action) and the piece is ultimately a frustrating combination of tones/genres - with mixed results. Plus, the ending (while at least having one bold event/outcome) doesn't feel earned or truly satisfying, which is disappointing.
The headline in this morning's Christmastown Chronicle: “CIVIL WAR AT THE NORTH POLE!'
The reindeer stable hand leads the Christmastown elves in a war against the evil Ice Wizard plotting to steal the operation from Ol' Nick.
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POLAR OPPOSITION is an edgy re-envisioning of Christmas lore in the spirit of a film such as ELF. The story follows the plight of the worker-class elves as they become the target of the ire of the two-faced wizard, Glazier. The writer does an interesting job with mashing up fantasy elements and Christmas lore with the more practical socio-economic realities Santa Claus' operation. The strongest aspects of the screenplay are the premise and its refreshing take on the Christmas world. The story is well-conceived and the structure demonstrates the writer's solid ability to maintain the plot's focus where it may have easily floundered.
When his wife is murdered as part of a political conspiracy, a cop goes on the run from hit men during his search for revenge.
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The screenplay has good bone structure, and a lot of the hard work of laying a solid foundation has been accomplished in this draft. However, there is not yet nearly enough flesh-and-blood detail to the story (or the characters) to give this project any discernable personality or style that will distinguish it from other similar genre pics.
December, 2020
A young teacher suffers from a deadly brain tumor which allows him to witness visions of a young girl's unsolved brutal murder twenty-five years in the past; with the help of the victim's sister he must solve the murder before they become the next victims.
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This screenplay has the potential to be a very cool movie, something along the lines of Branaugh's Dead Again with a bit of Inception level mindbendy-ness thrown in, but the whole conceptual structure needs to be more contained and streamlined in a more minimalist approach. Making this all click together into a perfect conceptual non-spatio-temporal Rubric's Cube is the project's ultimate goal, and it will likely be easier to achieve it with fewer moving parts and genre elements.
A nerdy germaphobe and a clumsy extra-terrestrial become unlikely heroes during a worldwide pandemic.
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THERE'S AN ALIEN IN MY BATHTUB is a pandemic-era sci-fi comedy that explores some interesting themes, including germophobia/paranoia, isolation, friendship and family. The writing moves swiftly with a crisp nature that flows well through the entire draft.
While Norman is a likeable guy in the story, he is in need of more depth to his character and in his relationship with the alien Pi-Za. What are Norman's wants and needs in his life? How have his limitations as a germaphobe prevented him from living a life fulfilled? And how does his relationship with Pi-Za change that? In next drafts, work to bring in much more tension and conflict to Norman's story, and get him and Pi-Za on the road to find the crashed space ship no later than the story's midpoint.
Amid the Covid pandemic, the job of a woman who stereotypes the homeless is eliminated. With her unemployment payments stuck in limbo for months, she and her teenage son join those on the street asking for help. They meet up with a friend from the past and through the relationship, learn the meaning of compassion. (Faith based)
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The premise is clearly very timely - as the script deals with people who are suddenly unemployed and homeless due to the pandemic. And while John and Diana reconnect and find love, the entire piece feels awfully simplistic and overly sentimental. Things are resolved too easily for them and the screenplay ultimately feels as though it is almost minimizing some very real, horrific circumstances for so many others right now. It could use more depth, subplots, and perhaps not such a tidy conclusion.
October, 2020
Determined to save his family's farm from foreclosure, a hard-working farm boy hires on as an armed mine guard only to discover the job places him in the middle of violence and heartbreak that will challenge everything he's been taught to believe.Â
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HARDCASTLE is a well-paced period drama centering around the themes of survival, morality, unions, violence and family. One of the main shortcomings of Hardcastle is that it's not really clear what the protagonist's (Bill's) story is here. It starts out as him wanting to get home to his family after struggling in Chicago. But that goal gets lost quickly, and a new sense of purpose for Bill isn't found until rather late in the story. Furthermore, Bill is too good of a guy. He needs more shortcomings and complexity. We needed to see just how beaten down he got during his time in Chicago.
Nice here is Bill's relationship and romance with Marlee. Though this relationship could use more tension and layers. It's a bit too straightforward and familiar as written.
Ella Bone is a strong character in the story - one who we want to see more of. But she doesn't yet serve a strong enough purpose in Bill's life. She's got to force him to address the problems he has, and the mistakes he's making by doing Hardcastle's dirty work.
An entertaining story with great potential with further development.
A runaway couple tries every trick in the trade to escape her murderous husband as he tracks them down and tries to waylay them several times on their way across Mexico.
Episode Synopsis:
A penniless young hitchhiker with an uncertain past gets picked up by a criminal couple with a load of money in the trunk and convinces the brutalized wife to run away with him and the money.
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The tone and the premise are fine -- and the era (set in the 1960s mostly) is captured pretty well. But there is a certain sense of deja vu and predictability in many of the scenes - and we wish there were some bigger, better surprises and subplots. Right now, the basic events are mostly credible though not all that new or inspired. And it's also somewhat difficult to see this being sustained for an entire series right now, based on just this first installment.
A writer going through her mid-life crisis visits a yoga retreat to rejuvenate, but her relaxation turns into a fight for survival as the odd-owner couple of the Retreat hides a sinister secret.
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Savory is a light, low budget horror script that has an interesting locale in the Yoga Retreat as well as some potential in future drafts to draw us into the group of misfit friends if a bit more thought and backstory is added in to get the audience emotionally involved. Even with that potential, right now the script suffers from having two almost separate (and underdeveloped) horror angles (Chad and Ryan) as well as the fact that neither of the horror plotlines gets going until far too late in the script.
August, 2020
An emotionally reclusive empathic psychologist, who cures patients by inviting them into her mind, agrees to interrogate a comatose and powerful empathic serial killer to find the young girl he kidnapped before the girl dies; and before the killer convinces the psychologist to murder.
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The premise itself - of a psychologist/Empath needing to find out the location of a missing girl is good. And the fact that the horrible serial killer she is interrogating (who kidnapped the child) is also an Empath is quite interesting too. However, the story that actually unfolds is not very compelling or even credible. Many of the scenes feel too small in scope and the piece doesn't have any viable subplots or any real visual life either. Plus, the ending is very disappointing and forced.
THE ALAMO TREE is an epic series involving two countries – Mexico and the United States. It chronicles the tumultuous relationship of two intertwined families, the Irish-American Murphies and the Mexican Carrizos, through six decades of the 20th Century's explosive social and political changes.
Episode Synopsis:
First Episode: Hunted down by Mexican revolutionaries, an American priest feels compelled to commit grievous sins in order to survive.
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THE ALAMO TREE - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE is an exceptionally well-written and original story with all the elements required to create drama, but characters that are hard to reach through the darkness they endure. This makes the story difficult to engage with and the hopelessness leaves its readers in the dark as well.
July, 2020
A defense attorney haunted by his failure to keep an innocent man from a prison term that proved fatal returns home to seek redemption by taking on a similar case.
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There are certainly some interesting and promising elements here - and the author seems to have a nice grasp on the legal/courtroom process. Teddy's quest to redeem himself, professionally and personally, is also credible and pretty well written. But there is a lot of exposition in the script and the dialogue could use a bit more subtext. Plus, the eventual climax and answers related to the case are a bit disappointing and come as a letdown after a rather intriguing build.
A young man conscripted into the Roman Army, swiftly moves through the ranks, crushing all enemies set before him, but his world of duty and honor turns upside down when he meets a man claiming to be the Messiah.
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The story of CORNELIUS is a story of comfort and love and glory with engaging battle scenes and little conflict. It brings audiences in with beauty of ancient Rome then is able to preach the glory of Jesus Christ with a man who deserves all of His love. The power of faith comes from it being tested though and with little to test and prove God's love, the story falls flat. Stuck between two storylines, one of the disciples, and one of Cornelius at war, the characters are not given the opportunity to grow and change based on their faith, undercutting the value of the theme as well.
A research ship in the south pacific sinks. The only two survivors are an odd couple, a know it all brainy scientist and a happy-go-lucky deck hand. They must work together to survive a journey on a lifeboat on their way to being stranded on deserted island. Once they accept that no one is looking for them, they realize the only way to get rescued will be to do it themselves.
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The Castaways is an action-romance that takes the time-worn shipwreck story and adds in two very different castaways of opposite sexes, mixing them up to see what happens. While the story itself is pleasant enough, the current draft of the script falls a bit short in both character depth as well as fundamental story originality, which leaves it nice but not yet memorable enough to stand out in its genre.
June, 2020
What made Ted Bundy rape, torture, and murder teenage girls? Why did Jeffery Dahmer eat the flesh of his lovers? How did Charles Manson convince his followers to kill? These monsters were not born this way, the lives they lived made them this way. As children, they did not dream of murder, they simply craved acknowledgment. When their cries were not heard, they tortured animals, abused young children, and set buildings ablaze, hoping to be noticed. As they grew, so did their actions, until the only person listening to them was the dead body in their bed.
‘We Create Monsters' i...
Episode Synopsis:
Dani's abusive parents continue on their war path of sexual and mental abuse towards anyone who enters their home.
Neville, the school bully, finally pushes enough buttons with Dani to make him snap.
His parents are arrested.
His sister Cheryl helps him move in with his grandparents.
Dani learns how to deal with his fears.
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A very dark and bleak first episode of a four part series. Based on a true story, the author presents a consistent, convincing tone and the pacing in this initial installment is also quite solid - with lots of disturbing violence and events. However, the characters and scenes are rather alienating and hardly engaging - and it's hard to find anyone to care about or root for here. Plus, a serial killer origins story is not exactly a new concept. Overall, it would be interesting to see the other three scripts in the series.
With three days to save her department's funding, a recently divorced history professor generates publicity with a theory that Excalibur was actually King Arthur's penis.
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MY BIG BIG SWORD is an easy read that will make you laugh out loud. The plot is propelled the crazy secondary characters that come to hinder or aid the lead, Colleen, in her quest for history. It maintains interest from beginning to end, but there's a few checks the plot can't cash and the end abandons the lead character's original motivation leaving a lackluster finish. That doesn't mean there is any inconsistency in the mood or tone of the piece and the laughs stay with us until the end. If there was ever an opportunity to create a solid piece of work, this is it.
A struggling author is cut off financially from his parents, forcing him to work at a shameless tabloid, where he meets a zany crew of coworkers, who chase the story by any crazy means necessary.
Episode Synopsis:
How Jax and Emily first met.
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Scooped is a slapstick workplace comedy that treads familiar ground, with a setting and a cast of oddballs like many we have seen before. While familiarity can breed comfortability, the current draft of the script does not do enough to make its low-rent TZM-styled media outfit stand out, nor do the cast of characters yet have enough cleverness and fresh motivations and backstories to make them memorable. As long as the script and story continues to rely too much on juvenile jokes unrealistic scenes and actions, it will likely have trouble getting traction. Should the author try to craft the comedy more realistically, exploring the inherent comedy that springs from life itself and that comes from the human experience, even if that means showcasing dubious moral character and questionable motivations, the script might truly benefit as readers take the story itself a bit more seriously even while enjoying the jokes and comedic situations.
April, 2020
A street smart woman working her way up the family crime ladder and an ambitious FBI agent both go after a self-described genius and find themselves in the crosshairs of his top secret invention; a body switching machine. Now they have to join forces, live each other's lives and team up to take care of a baby until they find him.
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This TV pilot has a very promising and commercial premise - as we watch a body-switching tale that focuses on two, very different lead characters - Mickey (member of a crime family) and Gina (FBI agent). And while the pacing is quick and the story is often fun, the script sometimes feels frenetic and it is also not entirely clear how this would be sustained as a series. In fact, it seems as though it could be better as the basis for a solid, self-contained feature - and the leads could also use a bit more development work and finesse in order to truly shine.
A young woman suffering from a multitude of mental illnesses, assists police in catching a serial killer - simultaneously aiding groundbreaking medical science research. (Written in U.K. English).
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The concept itself has a great deal of potential as a difference strain of sci fi that skirts the boundaries between medical science, psychology, and metaphysics, but the current draft focuses too myopically on plot and what happens, rather than the characters' interior emotions which creates a sense of emotional distance and lack of viewer involvement.
A six part series follows the build up and repercussions of the day £250,000,000 in gold bullion was stolen from a security depot in the south of England.
The series takes HUGE influence from 'The Brinks Mat' and the 'Securitas Depot' robberies in the UK. The characters are also taken from various criminal figures from the UK.
The idea for the series is that each episode will follow an event, which will not be chronological, but will aim to simply conclude that event. This is the robbery, but then we follow with the investors, the snitch, the smelter, and the good life. I think this...
Episode Synopsis:
The day of the robbery: masked men kidnap the security depots manager demanding access to the vault or they'll kill his wife and torch his colleagues. While posed as innocent police officers, the robbers discover quarter of a billion pounds in gold bars which proves too good of an opportunity to miss, but even more effort to steal.
Unbeknown to the robbers, the police were tipped off about this robbery, and a cat and mouse chase begins.
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HYENAS - THE ROBBERY is an original idea of a police procedural that will struggle to be turned into a series because there is not a lot of conflict outside of the obvious plot line following the robbery. There is little motivating the characters outside of the violence created by the robbers intent to make money and rob a family over the Christmas holiday. There is a lot of potential for this story to work. The writing shows capability as long as the writer is brave enough to dive deeper into their characters' development and providing more scenes outside of the physical robbery that's been overcomplicated in this current draft.
February, 2020
A twelve part series that will cover the lives and deaths of Christ and his Twelve Original Disciples.
Episode Synopsis:
Exiled to a small rocky island, the last surviving disciple of Christ must carve out his own survival, battling against the elements of nature, and an evil incarnate who seeks to destroy him.
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THE TWELVE has a promising concept. It hits the ground running with an action-packed, suspenseful teaser. Historical stories such as this one are tricky to market, but the script is professionally written and based on a universal, appealing story that could have the potential to resonate to a world wide audience. There are a few issues in formatting and the flash back structure can be a bit confusing at times. These problems are easy to fix. It would be well-worth the effort when THE TWELVE makes it to the small screen.
Lynn impulsively picks up a homemade ghoul statue—Evil E.—from the curbside trash and finds herself in a race for her life against ruthless Satanists seeking hidden secrets.
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EVIL E is a highly original horror feature with an interesting protagonist. The way her past comes back to haunt her is poignant and relocatable. There are a few challenges in plot logic and character logic. There's an opportunity to reveal the protagonist's inner life more through action than through dialogue. This will help to get clearly communicate the protagonist's arc on a more emotional level. Hopefully the notes below will be helpful while working on a future version.
December, 2019
During WWII, an American soldier gets trapped inside an old well with the German soldier who killed his brother and soon finds out that the only way out is cooperation.
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THE WELL presents a solid premise and there is definitely a nice sense of tension and pacing created throughout. However, the tale itself is a bit small in scope and there are some contrived resolutions concerning two of the main characters here - which makes the third act a bit unsatisfying. In addition, several flashbacks seem intrusive (and unnecessary) and interrupt the solid momentum in the rest of the story. Still, there is some real potential with the piece.
Eleanor White returns home when she finds out her parents splitting up. She hosts the annual family Christmas party to try to get things back to normal.
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The basic story set-up has the potential to be the basis for a quirky and heartwarming holiday-themed movie about a loving but dysfunctional family struggling to find the new normal in their lives over the Christmas season. In this draft, the basic ingredients of the characters and their relationships are in place, but the full array of individual story arcs is not as clearly defined or well-developed as it could be.
1941, WW2, Egypt. When a shell-shocked Australian soldier finds a terrier pup that can alert soldiers to German air-raids, he must put his life on the line to save the dog from heartless bureaucracy and certain death
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My Mate Horrie is a cute tale of the bond between solder and dog, in this case during WWII, as well as a cautionary tale of the inflexibility of Authority figures after the Egyptian dog is smuggled into Australia when the soldier returns home from active duty. While the subject is inherently interesting (being a true story) and the ending uplifting (although of questionable historical accuracy), the screenplay takes too many factual liberties and spends too many pages on parts of soldier Jim Moody and Horrie's story that are less interesting than the wartime bonding, which is the good stuff. Even so, Horrie's story is a worthy stand-in for all the animals befriended by soldiers far from home, and a project worth further development.
November, 2019
Raped and left for dead by a phony preacher, a young Mexican shepherdess survives by a miracle, and her relentless pursuit of justice ignites the bloodiest land war in the history of the West.
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Blood Moon is an intriguing script that shows potential to shine a light on life on the American Frontier without having to rely on marshals and gunslingers, instead focusing on two feuding blood-related families living close to each other in a protected valley in 1880s Arizona. While the story has almost no relation in storyline to the actual Pleasant Valley War, it does have some new and fresh elements in a setting and era that audiences never tire of, from feuding blood-related clans, a truly dastardly villain and a heroine we want to root for. As it stands now. the story needs more authenticity, in nailing down proper period dialogue and in exploring frontier ways and attitudes and morals, but the setup has good bones and the story is well on its way to being a worthy read.
Two teen best friends spot several Cryptids inside a mansion near their homes, so they alert a veteran Cryptozoologist who discovers that a crazed man intent on world domination has found an Egyptian amulet which allows him to control these mythical creatures.
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CRYPTIDS has an imaginative and promising premise - and the pacing is pretty good too. But given the great potential with this main idea, it's disappointing that the actual story that's been created is rather small - in scope and payoff. The narrative and character arcs could use more development work and it seems that CRYPTIDS as a whole would benefit from some bolder and more imaginative ideas, subplots, and some additional conflicts and subplots.
Two teens embark on an interplanetary journey to follow in their father's footsteps, and to grant his dying wish - to repay the magical, yet threatened tribe to which they all feel their very existence is indebted. (Written in U.K. English).
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The Atabongo Project departs from a classical formula in this adventure story about two teenage brothers who embark on a perilous journey into an unknown land to honor their father's dying wish and save a threatened indigenous tribe from extinction. The story is also a (somewhat heavy-handed) cautionary tale about environmental devastation and corporate greed and, while these are without doubt important issues, the screenplay's polemics sometimes overshadow the plot.
October, 2019
A shallow social climber on the verge of divorcing her husband gets an attitude adjustment when both are transported back to hardscrabble Depression days in rural Arkansas.
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THE WHIRLWIND is an engaging and imaginative comedy/romantic comedy - and when the two leads (Emma and Lucas) wind up going back in time to 1930s Arkansas, the script really shines. This is a great conceit and the scenes in the past are fun and sometimes touching too. The dialogue is also solid throughout. Now, if the author can figure out a way to make the entire piece a bit less predictable and tighten the first and third acts so they don't feel quite so plotted, this will become a very rewarding project.
On an Earth-like planet, a brave young Prince living in a medieval epoch, leads the fight to save his people from an advanced race of aliens, determined to conquer the planet.
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Dark Age puts a new spin on the alien invasion genre by placing the action on Aaltera, an Earth-like planet. This is a good concept overall, but one that could be vastly improved in a number of key areas. The screenplay has good bone structure but could benefit from some further fleshing out to enhance the characters, make Aaltera more distinct from primitive Earth, and include more unpredictable plot beats.
Trouble Inherited - Pilot Episode: Desdemona returns
by harish kumar
Drama, 60 pages
Horror, Suspense/Thriller
A family of five moves into a log cabin house that was built from the wood of a tree that grew on a witch's unmarked grave. The witch unleashes her wrath and seeks revenge on the descendant of the one that sent her to the grave - a bullied, nerdy high school senior.
Episode Synopsis:
From the felling of tree to the processing of the wood and construction of log cabin house, the workers suffer mysterious accidents and death. A family of five buys the haunted house at a bargain price and move in. The elder daughter of this family studies in same class as the grandson of the witch hunter and has a crush one her. Within one day of moving in to the house, The family witness many para normal activities. The head of the family calls a paranormal investigator to check the events and decide to continue in the house or abandon it. Eventually the evil spirit in the house demands to summon one victor sebastian, the infamous demon and witch hunter who lived over half a century ago.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
A horror story that doesn't center around the family being bewitched but the story of a teenager with a complicated family life, Trouble Inherited struggles to fit two stories together. With a lack of atmosphere and setting, the terror comes from heavy-handed supernatural events that deliver on gore and evil. Relief comes from the main storyline of two teenagers falling for each other and one of them growing into a new role in their family as heir to a large ranch. The witchy premise is original and there is optimism in the satisfying potential to see how the two storylines will eventually intertwine, but with underdeveloped character and scene work Trouble Inherited needs more time.
September, 2019
Having already lost one military son to a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, an ex-Army Ranger who now runs a machine shop learns that his second son is being deployed, so he uses an old Civil War-era rule which allows him to serve in his son's place.
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This screenplay is a bit frustrating because it does hang on what could be an outstanding premise for a movie, but it is one that seems like not a completely comfortable fit within the context of a serious courtroom/war drama. With the full expectation this will immediately inspire (and perhaps justifiably so) immediate and forceful pushback, I feel bound to suggest the project might encounter much smoother sailing if the story were framed more as a comedy or social satire, rather than a straight-ahead serious drama.
Buffalo follows the drug war between Montreal, Canada and Buffalo, New York, told through the eyes of an undercover cop, Eddie, implanted within the Lucchese crime family, who not only struggles to bring down New York's most powerful crime boss but, also struggles to maintain sanity within his own family at home, loyalty will be tested, and the thin-blue line crossed, as we take a ride through the mean streets of Buffalo, New York, during the mob's bloodies years.
Episode Synopsis:
The show will follow the organized crime factions between Montreal, Canada and Buffalo, New York, moving large shipments of heroin through the Buffalo/Canada border. The show will not only focus on the drug angle (at the height of the War On Drugs era) but the individual people on both sides of the law, sometimes blurring the line between "good" and "bad"... Loyalty and commitment will be tested on both sides.
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BUFFALO is a two-dimensional thrill-ride that has all the ingredients of a solid crime drama. There is a clear antagonist who fuels the drama and a protagonist who has strong morals in a morally bereft landscape trying to do the right thing. The dialogue is realistic and the writing is cogent. There's inherent intrigue, but the story lacks an underlying theme to tie all the inconsequential scenes together. Like the protagonist's girlfriend's baby, the story is half-baked and in need of greater development of character and more clearly defined relationships.
With socially awkward agents, disgruntled passengers and emotional baggage, it's a wonder this Denver based airline ever leaves the ground.
Episode Synopsis:
The hustle and bustle of an airline ground crew
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Fast-paced and frothy, with intentional lowbrow humor and a good setting (though not entirely original as the locale for sitcom). The characters feel like types, not fully developed, three-dimensional people and it's also a bit difficult to envision this being sustained as a full series for an entire season (or more seasons). The piece moves quickly, but the arcs could use more depth and finesse throughout - and possibly another episode or show bible could be submitted to see where this is going?
August, 2019
After attending a séance hosted by the infamous Fox sisters, a shunned widow begins to worry that her son is being tormented by an evil spirit—one who once murdered schoolchildren thirty years earlier.
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All horror movies are not created equal, and there are many different subcategories in the genre. Rather than a glib teenage slasher story or a monster movie, this project is going for one of the most difficult of them all—a sophisticated, more adult-oriented, supernatural thriller—and, for the most part, the execution and original premise rise to the occasion.
Episode Synopsis:
Sam and the others experience a group of hypnotized customers. Diane longs to hear Sam say those three magic words; I love you.
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A faithful sitcom spec/timepiece of the classic television show CHEERS - featuring the original cast members from the early 1980s. The pacing and dialogue are good and the supporting players' voices are consistent with those from the original. However, the piece is a bit too long and the humor is sometimes not quite as sharp, polished, or highbrow and sophisticated as CHEERS was - and the leads (especially Diane) could use a bit more finesse.
A woman finds herself drawn into a supernatural mystery when the ghosts of murdered women she sees at a restaurant implore her to find their killer.
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Whispers In the Wind is a mild yet likeable paranormal murder mystery that has a number of things going for it as well as a number of areas that are not yet fully formed. Ghosts of murdered women, a female protagonist who just left her cheating husband, a small mountain town, and a cafe that she visits that apparently hasn't been in operation for many years. Good stuff. On the flips side, the script seems too focused on the mechanics of what happens instead of balancing the what and the why, so the characters end up feeling a bit shallow and mechanical instead of being flawed people with emotions and history and fears and the rest.
So, while my feeling is that more depth needs to be mined to grab audiences, the story is already a decent foundation upon which to keep building.
June, 2019
An NYPD officer who survived the 9/11 attack and a Muslim prisoner in Guantanamo Bay are recruited to infiltrate, hunt and destroy Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups in the new war on terror.
Episode Synopsis:
This episode introduces the two main characters experiencing the events of 9/11 and explores how both are recruited to engage in a new era of warfare.
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The pacing, tone, and dialogue are all good and the premise is interesting and has some potential. However, there have been many other projects already done dealing with 9/11 and its aftermath and repercussions -- and it's hard to imagine audiences really wishing to follow yet another piece that uses it as its key catalyst. Also, there are some aspects here that are a bit hard to believe and require the viewers to use a rather large leap of faith (mostly the involvement of the prisoner with the CIA and possibly also partnering with the cop).
An abused widow, her racist son and two other societal outcast families, shunned by the more pious members of a wagon train headed west, finally prove their worth during a prairie fire crisis. (see notes)
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The Outcasts is as billed in the author's notes: a simple western story. While the writing is admirable and the characters are diverse and intriguing, as the story stands right it still needs fleshing out (i.e. more pages) in both the personal story of these characters as well as the religious underpinnings (which consist for the most part in faith-based songs being sung as the wagons travel the dusty roads). The script has good bones and a simple road trip during which the characters have time to be themselves (for better or worse), now we more complexity and conflict stirred in to see how this mixing pot of diverging backgrounds and views ends up as a banquet and not merely an appetizer.
April, 2019
A visit to a winter lodge proves a life changing experience for the Greenaway family.
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The tone and the pacing are both good and the basic premise has some clear potential. Unfortunately, the characters are not developed well enough and it's quite difficult to invest in them or believe their arcs as the piece progresses. The leads and their journeys would benefit from some further, smart development work - and a less contrived second half.
High school rebel Layne McCallum must choose between saving his own skin and school unity, when a prank gone wrong brings the wrath of the vindictive vice principal down on the entire class.
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Chalkdust Torture is a script in the vein of Ferris Beuller's Day Off, a tug of war between an uptight Vice Principal and a crafty, devlish troublemaker. While it is pleasant to read a lighthearted high school dramedy, as of now the story is not complex enough nor are the characters developed meaningfully enough to draw in a reader, which makes it feel like this is still an early draft. If it can all be made a bit more personal, if both protagonist and antagonist can be made more relatable so that we can feel empathy, sympathy or even just respect for them, the story will being to draw us into its world the way the author likely intends.
March, 2019
With a price on his head and the crown forces hot on his heels, a defiant Chieftain leads his clan on a perilous journey across hostile Ireland to salvation in the north.
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The Last Chieftain is a brutal yet compelling screenplay that tells the true tale of Donal O'Sullivan, an Irish chieftain in the late-1500's who fought, unsuccessfully, to rid Ireland of England's occupation. While I feel the screenplay could use more personal touches that look inside the characters' hearts and thoughts, once the action starts (and it gets going early), it pretty much does not let up. As a bit of a bonus, the landscape itself is fascinating and almost a character on its own, from rocky shores to peat bogs to snow-covered mountains.
Should there be a desire within Hollywood circles to showcase another of freedom's sacrificial lambs under the yoke of British rule, this story certainly has the bones and gravitas to fill that need.
When a couple and their friend try to scam FundsToHelp, a determined witness discovers the truth.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The true story here is interesting and has some real potential. Plus, the script does have some strong, universal themes and the pacing is solid. However, the characters could use some more development work - and the author gives away too much of the mystery early in the picture, putting the audience ahead of the characters and the plot and killing most of the suspense from being achieved throughout (which is a shame).
February, 2019
When Hollywood mega-producer Jerry Lang receives a script with his dark secret in it, he assumes three wannabe scriptwriters are trying to blackmail him. With the help of his lawyer and his equally ruthless wife, Jerry will do anything to keep the past buried but he have underestimated how determined desperate writers are to make it big.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The general tone and themes are good - and have been used before in other, successful projects (in all mediums). However, this particular script has a very choppy, problematic sense of structure - and it's also hard to care about or differentiate all three of the aspiring writers. The piece feels overworked and disappointing, despite the rather interesting premise.
Rodney King asked the question: “Why can't we all just get along?' No answer forthcame then or since. Thus... interconnecting, conflicting characters illustrate: Why.
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SEVEN DAYS is a philosophic epic that probes a spectrum of internal conflicts, leaving many questions left to be answered about the exact motivations of the characters who themselves appear to be protracted symbols of the questions they want answered. It's a story that tries to answer many of life's questions, but is unable to and leads its characters to an unfortunate fate. There is no fixed structure or plot, but the conversations between the characters forces one to reflect on their life choices even if their is no satisfying conclusion, beginning, middle, or end.
January, 2019
When evil forces threaten to take over the world, a jaded, occult police officer, and his plucky new partner, must overcome their own hangups and ineptitude in order to stop the forces of darkness.
Episode Synopsis:
A random paranormal encounter, thrusts Logan and Jennifer into the middle of Satan's plan to unleash Hell on Earth.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This is definitely an imaginative and fun TV pilot - as two cops (Jennifer and Logan) have to figure out how to work together in order to battle some deadly, supernatural forces. There could be plenty of plot-lines from this premise alone - and the pacing is solid. However, this initial installment is a little frenetic and over the top and there are so many minor/supporting characters (mostly undead), that the focus occasionally gets lost (and the final battle, at the end of the first episode, with Satan is not as exciting as it could be).
The son of Sicilian immigrants joins a special NYPD squad to fight the Mafia in his Little Italy neighborhood.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
MULBERRY STREET has a rich culture and an impressive lead character who is forthright and bold, adding to the tapestry that is New York City in the early 1900s. This crime drama is insidious and thematic. There is an obvious mood and the lead character's emotions are easy to believe and experience. What would further improve this evocative story would be if more of it was told in scene-work and action instead of being lorded over by the lead character's voice over. If more of the story relied on solid scenes and became more focused on moments, it would be an even more impactful story. Finally, the third act lacks rhythm, but there is solid story work being done. There might be more than one episode of an hour-long drama in this script. Perhaps this show would be better marketed as a miniseries where scripts can be a little longer. Eight pages is too long for an hour-long drama.
Exiled to a small rocky island, one of Jesus' twelve disciples must carve out his own survival until he's joined by a shipwrecked sailor, who was a scribe aboard a merchant ship, and together they work to record the teachings of Jesus Christ and the disciples who perished spreading his word.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The Twelve is a script that might resonate amongst true believers, with its depictions of both Jesus and his twelve disciples, as told by John. While it does rely on a few ‘miracles' that will feel dubious to those not already in the fold, at least it encapsulates the fates of all twelve of Jesus' disciples, with that story being framed by the last who remains alive, exile though he may be.
The issue that may confront this script is that the story is not framed to draw in those who are curious but not fervent believers, and from that standpoint it may only be of interest to a small subset of production companies and distribution outlets.
December, 2018
Paige Turner, an immature 30 year old woman, still living in her parent's basement makes a wish to a carnival game that she could go back to being a kid again. The next morning she wakes up as an 8 year old. Paige is forced to grow up figuratively before she can literally.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
A fun, quick-paced, and sweet comedy that is very reminiscent of Big - only with a female as the lead. The writing is solid, especially the dialogue, and the script is appealing and even heartwarming at times. The story could use just a few more bigger set pieces and twists in the 2nd half.
A tech guru's constant dreams of murdering his beloved family and a homicidal internet cult are pushing him to the edge of sanity.
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An original character in that breaks the dorky, nerdy, tech-head stereotype, Simon Glass and his nightmares stir up a thrilling tale, but there is more to this story not being shown and unearthed. There is a dark world behind the curtain of nightmares and a great, original idea sits in the mist of the author's mind.
When a teenage girl's alcoholic mother dies, the state assigns her to the only living relative. A man wrongly convicted for child rape. They must learn to trust to overcome their respective betrayals.
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Crack of Dawn is a script on its way to having real promise that could be made for next to nothing, with its rural setting and fairly small cast. With its ‘Hallmark' vibe about two broken souls mending each other it is not exactly a unique idea or story, but this sort of story tends to get audiences rooting for its main characters simply because we want them to succeed and get beyond their past demons and circumstances.
That being all on to the good, the script right now does not feel fleshed out sufficiently, relying a bit on stereotypes instead of getting creative, both in backstory as well as actions. The story might not every need to be that complex to be successful, but it must rely on letting the audience into the thinking and feelings of its leading characters, on diving deep into what makes them tick. Ultimately this uplifting story will work live or die based on deep, fully realized characterizations, and should get there if the writer digs a bit deeper and wrings emotion and meaning out of each and every scene.
November, 2018
When a former professional pool player with an anxiety disorder agrees to teach a troubled teen how to play, they'll learn a simple game can change their lives forever.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
A very solid and well-executed, although somewhat formulaic, story that plays out almost like a cross between Karate Kid and The Hustler. An intriguing and unique milieu for a coming-of-age story, told with near-professional polish, but might benefit from some cinematic stylistics to make the project come across as more contemporary and relevant.
Episode Synopsis:
In a small lakeside town something has mysteriously taken eight people down by the bay, and it's up to three kids, a jaded museum curator, and a police chief to stop the sinister beast from taking more lives.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
All the elements of a good story are here. There's mystery, suspense, and lively characters. There's so much that can be done with this template and the writer definitely has a structure in mind. All that remains is to fill in the meat of the story a bit more by developing those characters.
When her husband is killed, the wife of a former mobster in the witness protection program must outwit the U.S. Marshalls, who she can't trust, and the mob, who's trying to kill her and her daughter.
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THIS IS NOT REVENGE presents a pretty fast-paced and engaging tale told within a commercial genre. There are some nice twists and turns and the female lead is effective and interesting. While the supporting players could use a bit more depth throughout and a few of the plot points are perhaps a little hard to believe, the majority of this piece is actually well done and could become a fine addition to the crime/thriller genres.
October, 2018
Episode Synopsis:
Sheldon's disobedience leads him to discover a fellow student's secret.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This is a pretty well done spec for the current hit TV series, YOUNG SHELDON. The author of this script manages to capture the voices of the characters well and the overall tone is also convincing. It's a nice mixture of comedy and more serious life lessons - though the story is a bit disappointing as the piece progresses. Some of the events also feel out of character for the young lead, and the second half doesn't quite take advantage of the fun setup.
A family flees to a seemingly peaceful town to restart their lives after a terrible public scandal. But when a chance encounter with the uncanny envelops them in a horrifying mystery, the family is swept into the heart of an ancient conflict that threatens to unravel the very fabric of their world.
Episode Synopsis:
Jake, Sophie and their daughter, Alex, move into a new house in a small Northern California town, seeking anonymity in the aftermath of the “Killer App' scandal. But Jake's paranoia only gets worse as he continues to perceive threats to the family, whether real or imagined. Sophie worries if they will ever be able to put the past behind them and live a normal, happy life. Meanwhile, Alex becomes fascinated by a mysterious hill that rises over the town where a movie studio and theme park are under construction. She hatches a plan to explore the strange site in order to learn the truth behind the stories.
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Picture Window (Pilot) combines elements of sci-fi with elements of a family drama, attempting to create a mysterious lead-in to a complex story where this family gets involved in something bigger than they know, but as of now it doesn't really plant enough firm hooks in the audience or reveal enough to ensure viewers will return to get answers to the many questions posed in the pilot. Technically well written, but if the point and purpose and likely direction of the show is unclear, it becomes, for a reader or viewer, tough to get invested enough to remain tuned in.
While struggling to find his footing in society, a homeless ex-con is coerced by undercover cops into stealing from his former gang, jeopardizing the lives of his newfound friends.
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The basic themes here are good - but the script feels quite derivative and predictable. It's difficult for the audience to truly care about or invest in any of the characters here - and the basic story (which has been done before with far better results) needs a great deal more originality and development work. Right now, the concept and the pacing are fine but the execution is not terribly inspired or memorable throughout all three acts.
September, 2018
A father and mother travel off to a fort for supplies and when he's injured in a tornado their three young girls are left at home to face the same tornado. A story of courage and survival.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
CHRISTMAS STAR, by Dianne Barnes, is a fairly simple Western with some religious themes tossed in, stirring things up with a natural disaster that causes a family to have to survive the aftermath of a tornado that rips apart their solitary homestead. While it does contain worthy themes of family, survival, hope and faith, there currently does not seem like enough plot complexity or enough twists and turns to sustain the story from start to finish, even if it is geared toward cable channels such as Lifetime or Hallmark.
In her final hours on, Death Row, a young woman, relives her abused childhood and attempts to exorcise her, “Satanic Demons', prior to being executed for the horrific murders of her parents.
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Some dark and disturbing themes - and the tone is convincing most of the time. But the author fails to make any of the characters or the story really come alive. There are some serious structural flaws and the audience is too far ahead of the leads and the plot. Plus, to be completely honest, many TV procedurals - such as the long-running Law and Order SVU -- present similar topics with more depth and power than this screenplay.
A woman, faithful to her husband, discovers years later he had an affair which resulted in a daughter he didn't know he had. Divorce not an option, she's completely devastated, has no one to talk to or confide in until a romantic interest from the past comes to her aid.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The basis premise - while not at all original - is fine and rather universal. And the character of Cat (the lead) is somewhat appealing, at least in theory. But the script is surprisingly lacking in action and external conflict - and almost nothing really happens in all three acts. The reveal about the daughter could be the basis for an interesting drama. But here, the author doesn't manage to make this very compelling or even exciting at any point.
August, 2018
Inspired by true events. A serial killer targets young black women in 1911 Atlanta. When police refuse to investigate, a janitor takes it upon himself to find the killer.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The story which takes place a mere six years after the 1906 race riots which nearly burned Atlanta to ground, the screenplay does an excellent job in developing a backdrop against which continued passionate racial tensions enhance the overall stakes. Finding the identity of the killer signifies justice not only for his victims and their families, but also has the potential to douse the powder-keg of a full-scale racial war.
A teenager mourning the recent death of his brother seeks to prove to a lonesome astronomer that he has the remarkable ability to move objects in outer space.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This script has some very interesting and promising themes - and the notion that Hampton has special powers (the ability to move objects/planets/etc.) in space is quite unique. However, the film is surprisingly small in scope, focusing more on dialogue and personal relationships. The project is engaging and shows some potential, but another draft - focusing on the visual life and increased action - would certainly be helpful and encouraged.
Paige Turner, a young woman with a dark secret, goes on cabin retreat with her family in the Rocky Mountains. But when her younger brother disappears into the woods, Paige and her family must survive the harsh elements and a malevolent witch if they hope to get him back alive.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The tone and the pacing are both fine - as the script is relatively short for a feature and the author manages to keep things moving pretty well. However, the entire piece feels disjointed and overly convoluted, considering the rather simple story on display. And unfortunately, neither era's narrative (the present or the past) is terribly well developed, logical, or even compelling - making the entire screenplay rather frustrating and quite uneven, ultimately turning into an empty, gratuitous excuse for lots of violence.
July, 2018
During an interstate move, an anxiety-stricken mother and her family find themselves in a desperate struggle for survival after their SUV plummets from a mountain road, leaving everyone trapped in the wreckage at the bottom of an isolated ravine.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Despite Author excelling at beautifully long-drawn out survival action sequences, with somewhat amusing dialogue within the first twenty pages; that create new twists and turns keeping the tempo going, for typical survival trope, the script waffles too much in the beginning, and characters make questionable choices that are not only dumb, but beyond the purview of survival drama; which of course makes the tone occasionally confused and unintentionally funny at times.
Attempting to emulate Gravity in structure and in tone, but Gravity is about a mission gone wrong. In Hang On, it's more like stupidity gone wrong, and with a path that sometimes is met with less resistance resulting in an ending totally drawn out by deus ex machina – and an unsatisfying one at that.
A small town Sheriff with blackout PTSD searches for a missing 6 year old and a brutal killer.
Episode Synopsis:
Silver Falls is a small mountain town in Colorado. Two families, who once ran the biggest silver mine together, have now divided the town and set it on edge. In the middle is Sheriff Dillon Day (40s), an ex-Delta Force who tries to keep the peace. When he suffers a blow to the head, blackout PTSD sets in and his actions become irrational. Old secrets and deceptions begin to be revealed and threaten to destroy the town. Can he find Noah before he loses his mind and everything explodes around him?
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
There are some universal, credible themes and events here - and a kidnapping can often be the basis for a good film or an episode of a series. But it's not really terribly original and it's hard to envision this pilot being sustained for a full season (or multiple seasons). Also, there are way too many characters presented in this first installment - and most of them need a great deal more development work and depth, and a central focus is not always achieved either.
After taking over as the new grim reaper in her town, a young woman inadvertently opens the gates of an evil dimension and wavers the balance between the worlds of the living and dead when she prevents a murder that was supposed to happen. It's up to her to use her powers against the demons that she's released onto the Earth in order to save her loved ones.
Episode Synopsis:
An activist and messenger strapped for cash, Marzanna is cursed to inherit the powers of the grim reaper -- a fate that complicates her relationship with her boyfriend, her brother, and herself.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The character of the Grim Reaper, despite being somewhat unique as an actual character, does not seem an optimal choice as the centerpiece protagonist of a contemporary horror thriller. Culturally, this figure is more of a side player in supernatural mythology whose signature cloak and scythe are more props, than an actual character traits that imbue Death with any particular personality, agenda, or individual motivation.
June, 2018
Randy had it all--a loving family, a dream job. But after a long, hard fall from grace leads to deadly consequences, he's forced to relive his life backwards. Yesterday by yesterday, Randy tries to understand where it all went wrong, and how he can possibly put things right in a world where tomorrow never comes.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
There is no way around the fact that high-concept hook that provides the foundation of this story is going to invite inevitable comparisons to other films that make use of similar plot devices like Groundhog Day and The Butterfly Effect. When put to proper use, these types of structural techniques can be very engaging and help create a different and unique way of telling the story that adds a signature spin to the project. However, not all chronologically-twisted narratives are created equal, and it is important to make sure that the device used actually adds to deepen the drama in way that is organically relevant to and justified by the story, and does not come across as simply an add-on gimmick.
A screenwriter, a "bull without balls," eight days from 60... drives into The Great American Southwest, searching for beauty... and a new story to tell.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Bull Without Balls pays homage to its forefathers with spiritual, social and political overtones i.e. Easy Rider and Before Midnight. And while it can succeed in certain slow-burning markets mostly attracted to independent films, many of the plot elements and characters (Josh especially) require a certain backstory of finesse and introspection in order to garner interest from the audience early on.
Stuck in a perpetual psychedelic trip, a drug dealer has until midnight to scour Miami in search of the girl he loves and retrieve stolen drugs he was supposed to sell on behalf of a fearsome kingpin.
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The pacing and premise are fine (though the actual story is not terribly unique or original). The addition of the lead character's psychedelic trip is good - though there is the sense that the characters and story could use more development work. Plus, the entire piece feels thin, as though this might be better as a short - as it barely sustains three full acts.
May, 2018
A dark comedy about a famous novelist who hires a young assistant to help uncover the identity of an obsessive stalker.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
There are at least two elements of this screenplay that are real stand-outs in terms of quality and overall sophistication. Number one is the thoughtfulness and intelligence of the dialogue, and number two is the multi-layered complexity of the characters and, obviously, these are two attributes that work hand-in-hand in mutual support. Ironically, for most amateur screenwriters, these are typically the issues that prove to most the most challenging to master. The more usual trajectory for the creative process of screenwriting is to first lay down the essentially structural framework and main plot beats and, only once this is complete, to then lay in the more nuanced details of how the characters interact and communicate with one another.
A trauma in her past hold Cameron back in her love life and now her career. When she meets David, she wonders if its safe to trust again.
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Dear Prudence blends insightful rom-com elements with somewhat complex characters perfectly slated into contemporary cinema, but suffers from overly repetitive moments, platitudes, and a more than dull and unsatisfying third act without fully exploring the darker moments; I.e like expanding on the disintegrating aspects of our protagonists relationship while shedding minimizing genre tropes pitfalls. The limitations can be overcome with a more tight and engaging narrative with real consequences if one protagonist let's say fails to observe the other.
Sway, a talented high school pianist with a hard home life, acquires the ability to use mind control but must strengthen it if she hopes to escape the clutches of her abusive, drug-pushing cousin.
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The basic premise has some good potential - though at times it feels a bit similar to Carrie, but with mind control in Sway. However, the entire piece is awfully bleak, rather repetitive, and somewhat thin in terms of the story. Overall, the script could use some smart additional development work, especially on the character arcs.
April, 2018
With no one willing to pay his ransom, a mild mannered engineer joins his captors and unleashes his inner warrior to save a village from the local drug lord.
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Wimp To Warlord is a more light-hearted coming of age dark comedy that has a great set-up in the first act but loses steam once it segues into quasi-spaghetti western territory towards the latter second and third act. And under normal circumstances this would be fine except that the script sheds most of its comedic tempo in these parts and makes preposterous logical snafus that simply cannot be overlooked.
Noticeably absent too is the lack of a romance beat which would be incredibly beneficial when guiding the protagonist to his desired arc. Still, this is a solid first draft that is definitely worthy of rewriting.
In an effort to prove he's a hero, a corgi leads a group of dogs on a mission to bring their mistreated friend to a dog haven called, “Lollipop Farm,' only to discover the family cat has led them to a depressing animal shelter.
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The basic premise, structure, and the pacing are fine - but the actual script feels very slight and rather poorly executed. In addition to the disappointing and somewhat flat story, the tone is too dark for young audiences - and adults would find little here that is entertaining. Lastly, all the character voices blend together - and the dialogue could use a lot of development work/finesse. And do we really need to portray the cliche that cats hate dogs (which is not exactly a surprising reveal here)?
An alcoholic's gifted teenage son and a stripper's alienated teenage daughter grow up, face their fears, and come to terms with their dysfunctional parents one summer on the wrong side of the tracks.
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The Physics of Electrical Charges struggles to adhere to the fundamentals of screenwriting by having no real discernable plot caused by our characters desire; instead, scenes are strung confusingly in series of vignettes (usually through flashbacks) that are not causally motivated at times.
And these seemingly detached scenes are communicated at rapid-fire bottleneck speeds with flashbacks revealing how characters ‘feel' in the present, and with mostly platitudes that repeat in succession. And for being 110 pages long, Physics of Electrical Charges has characters saying quite a bit to each other, but by the end, there really is nothing to take away or dissect on a greater emotional or thematic level.
March, 2018
A preacher in 1880's Colorado who rejects his calling to become a bounty hunter after his wife is murdered and child abducted, comes to realize that is not God's plan for his life.
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Several of the arguably greatest directors of all time from John Ford, to Sam Peckinpah and Anthony Mann have aptly demonstrated the powerful mythic themes the classic Western can explore at its highest levels. While the current draft of On the Sparrow does not yet reach these soaring heights, the scope and scale of it ambitions place it at the same level, with very capable execution, well-crafted characters, and authentic period dialogue. The religious themes, while a bit heavy-handed at times, they do contribute a sense of import and added dimension to the story and its characters that elevate the material beyond a simple revenge plot.
After surviving a catastrophic plane crash a mild mannered father embarks on a desperate mission to destroy the other five surviving passengers in an attempt to save the world from an apocalyptic alien plague.
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Vectors is inconsistent but has many chic moments, blending classic sci-fi and action chase sequences with neat high-octane action and neat storytelling elements teased initially only to be given context further down the line. With a super easy plot with new twists and turns and discoveries unraveled later, Vectors however struggles to overcome some pretty substantial plot holes, underdeveloped characters and a mostly soporific C-story and a slapdash third act. And while its limitations are ever so easily discernable and fixable, the writer must figure out a way to simultaneously reintroduce exposition without sacrificing mystery in the plot that is otherwise inferred and doesn't require finality. Once fixed, Vectors can be taken to a whole new direction and be a consider.
The leader of a backwoods cult opens doors to perception that he cannot close.
Episode Synopsis:
The leader of a backwoods cult hunts down a couple who escaped his flock.
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The tone and themes are fine - and the pacing isn't bad either. However, the pilot is quite dialogue-heavy throughout - and expository. Plus, there's not a great deal that seems terribly original on this rather familiar subject matter. And it's also difficult for us to imagine this being sustained week after week; it might actually be better if expanded - to become a self-contained, single feature script.
February, 2018
After the tragic death of his pregnant wife, a Muslim-to-Christian convert and biblical scholar travels back in time in an effort to confirm Christ's divinity.
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The best thing about this project is its provocative and controversial subject matter which is sure to grab the attention of potential audiences and inspire spirited debate among critics. For the most part, the execution is fair and balanced where it comes to presenting the relative historical merits of the three main religions. However, it is a bit unclear whether the story's ultimate message is that all religions have equal claim to historical truth, or whether all religious beliefs in general are essentially bogus—the former is probably the most productive theme to get across.
A parolee and his two bickering siblings' hunt for a $3 million dollar fortune is complicated by a wily bounty hunter and the snowy Colorado terrain.
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Snowmass Village is an ode to classic Coen-Bros heist screwball crime drama 'Fargo'; where its themes prove the familial ties that bind us to a goal can later strangle in the advent of greed. With solid story structure and memorable characters, Snowmass Village occasionally misses its mark by a couple of unexplained circumstances that are definitely somewhat problematic/plot-holes that must be redressed in subsequent drafts. When fixed, the writer will be able to submit it as either a work sample or to be used to query an agent because the story is very strong albeit nothing new we haven't seen before, borrowing heavily from source material from erstwhile creative works that are somewhat more memorable.
An animated series following the adventures of a brilliant nobleman, his eccentric wife, and a mysterious disfigured ninja as they fight crime and battle villains in 17th century Paris, France.
Episode Synopsis:
The year is 1625. While on the trail of the Pieman, a notorious serial killer, French nobleman Jean du Val is sidetracked investigating an attack on a nobleman by a "demon" stalking the streets of Paris. Could they be one and the same?
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An ambitious but not terribly cohesive or satisfying animated/TV pilot. The setting and dark themes are fine, as is the dialogue. But the story is not all that convincing or well executed - and the inclusion of both the serial killer and The Demon in the same pilot is problematic.
January, 2018
A starving artist in France must conquer his culture, inner demons, a world war, and overwhelming loss to gain fortune and fame in America.
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This is subject matter that has the potential to resonate with the same up-market audiences who admire movies like Vincent and Theo, The Girl with the Pearl Earring and My Left Foot, but the overall scope and scale of this project is much broader and all-encompassing than these other successful are-oriented movies. What could and probably should be a more intimate character portrait of a unique and largely unsung artistic genius, tends to get diffused within the larger context of WWI and the contemporary controversies concerning the early modernist movement in general.
Desperate to help his anxiety-riddled, claustrophobic daughter, a father takes her on a road trip, only for them to be kidnapped and held in an underground bunker.
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Once perfected, 60 Feet Under can be a moderately strong recommend. With its minimalistic plot and compelling main and supporting characters there is a LOT going for it on a marketability level as it contains all the signature trademarks of a successful one-off thriller that can easily fit into the slate of a production company who wants to make a film with a five million or less budget.
But, as it stands there are far too many questionable plot-points that appear out of the blue. The motives for it undeniably serve to aid the protagonists in their journey of escape but simultaneously undercuts the own obstacles the writer tasks our protagonists to begin with. This fatal flaw in the script can be easily overcome with a little work, and the writer should rejoice and celebrate just how far he came to get to this draft!
A skeptical journalist finds herself becoming a believer when forced to answer the question - is reincarnation real?
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COLLIDE INTO ME presents some universal themes (romance, death, reincarnation) - and the script is somewhat ambitious, as it goes back and forth between Grace's story in the present and one in the past (1922). She is a journalist and she tracks the journey of Catherine, which is Grace in another time period. And while this sort of piece can become commercial and popular (the reincarnation element has been done many times before in all mediums), this particular script becomes a bit disjointed and frustrating throughout. The structure is quite problematic and the two storylines never quite come together enough or prove to be all that exciting or unique for the viewer.
December, 2017
Earth has been decimated by climate change. When a cynical environmental scientist and the crew of the International Space Station make contact with a lush and resourceful alien planet, Earth's warring nations race to stake a claim.
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Gravity and other similar realistically-rendered space travel movies have demonstrated without a doubt that there is a lot of good drama to be mined by placing characters in the isolating environment of outer space in a situation where they are forced to confront tense interpersonal dynamics, while fighting for their very survival. Structurally speaking, the ingredients are in place for the right kinds of intense rivalries and dramatic conflicts among the crew members, but the protagonists seem a bit bland and generic.
When the owner of an assisted living facility decides to sell to a shopping mall developer, a twelve year old girl who sees angels rallies the workers and residents to raise the money and buy it themselves.
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There are certainly some good, universal themes included in SHOOTING ANGELS - and this sort of family fare with faith/supernatural elements can often be successful. However, this draft is way too long for its own good - and there is not nearly enough plot and character progression to sustain this length. Some major editing and rewriting would be suggested, so that this doesn't feel like such a long, drawn-out cinematic experience for the viewers (as it does now).
A shallow social climber on the verge of divorcing her husband gets an attitude adjustment when both are transported back to hardscrabble Depression days in Arkansas. (Please see notes)
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Unbroken Circle suffers plot wise from repetitive scenes galore, overextending superfluously for the bulk of the script. Our two protagonists (Emma and Lucas) must be able to escape the past and rejuvenate their marriage gone awry, but the external task at hand is relegated towards dialogue driven scenarios losing golden opportunities to keep the momentum going in a meaningful way with screen time in mind; thus the plot is unable to produce consequences as a result of our characters choices, and thus becomes an exercise in monotony.
These flaws are not trivial, but to the contrary, they are fatal as Unbroken Circle unnecessarily drifts exponentially from the blossoms of magical profundity and into mundane territory.
November, 2017
A professor faces his own emotional damage as he struggles to write the biography of a dead Southern playwright whose work was eclipsed by Tennessee Williams' plays in his lifetime.
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GHOST is an original and often compelling screenplay with three-dimensional characters, and interesting plot and some terrific dialogue. The main characters of Chess and Dothan are engaging in this story, with each having clear goals and objectives.
What's needed in further development is a stronger sense of who Chess is early on, giving him a better personal crisis and story line that he faces in this screenplay. The script also lacks a clear third act, and there isn't enough tension and conflict in the story and between the characters to keep the energy at a high setting.
Without giving too much away. This series is based in the 16th century, following three strong female figures. Elizabeth I, heir to the English throne. Mary, Queen of Scotland and soon to be France with her eyes on the English throne. And Grace O'Malley, an Irish Pirate Queen who is trying to prevent Ireland becoming a war ground for the rest of Europe. Loosely following historical events, we will watch as Europe fights amongst its self as country leaders desire more money, more power and more land than ever before. Expect gruesome battle scenes, cannibal tribes and the twists and turns that k...
Episode Synopsis:
Mary Tudor dies, leaving the English throne open to multiple potential monarchs. Elizabeth and Mary both believe it is their right to claim the English throne. With the help of various councillors, both will begin their pursuit to become Queen of England. Meanwhile, war boils in Ireland from an old order passed on from Mary Tudor which Grace O'Malley seeks revenge for. Unbeknown to her, her husband Donal, is captured by a blood thirsty tribe she is yet to know about.
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It is well enough to caution readers they should consider this material more like Vikings than The Tudors, but you are not going to have the opportunity to provide this disclaimer should the show ever actually be broadcast. My advice would probably be to depart from the historical record entirely and, instead of invoking Vikings as your touchstone program, go even further into the fantasy realm into the Game of Thrones territory. This is not to say that you need to include supernatural elements, but the story of the 16th century European monarchy is archetypal enough to form the basis for an entirely new account that is based on what everyone already knows, but changes the game plan in an entirely new direction that no one can expect.
When her overbearing mother sets her up on eleven dates for Christmas, a young writer researching homelessness for a novel discovers love in the unlikeliest of places. (See Notes)
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Very straightforward in terms of premise, plot and pacing, Twelve Dates of Christmas can work in smaller niche productions capitalizing on Holiday themed films (like for the Hallmark Channel or streaming services for instance).
Twelve Dates of Christmas is a repository of intelligent comedic character designs that struggle with cognitive dissonance, possessing traits of ironic duality. It's simplified clear-cut A and B story makes the read so extremely clear that the end twist however was somewhat predictable. Often at times another limitation of the script stems from the overly cheesy romanticized dialogue making it dull and sentimental in some places.
But, this is an easy fix as the structure of the story -- for the most part -- is well-defined even though one beat is missing (the debate) and the first act needs to be trimmed considerably.
October, 2017
A bullet to the head leaves an ex con with no memory of his past, sending him on a journey to find his would-be killers before they strike again.
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As corny as it may be in some respects, there is a reason why protagonists suffering from amnesia have become such a cinematic staple—it is a strong easily graspable concept that establishes conflict and mystery from the very beginning. This screenplay literally begins with a bang, when main protag Vincent is shot in the head and wakes up in the hospital to his seemingly loving wife Kara and with no memory of his criminal past. Both thematically and in terms of subject matter, it is a set-up that plays a bit like a cross between Memento and Regarding Henry, and these are some pretty heady comparisons. The current draft, however, falls shot in terms of fully realizing the potential of its promising premise, with not enough contrast and mystery between who Vincent may have been prior to his assault and who he is now.
An ingenuous Indian architecture student avoids deportation from the US by teaming with a vivacious classmate to save his American uncle's Brooklyn delicatessen from demolition ... and ultimately realises his American Dream.
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Blessed by a breath of Hollywood Indie-Diversity Rom-Com and a lead that screams to be attached to any of the go-to Indian male leads that are truly few and far between, New Deli has the makings for an Indie-Hit, but it's going take a lot more drafts to make the tone more consistent and the protagonist more active in his fish-out-out-of-water journey that forces him to put other characters to a decision; instead of the other characters doing all the heavy lifting for him.
In an effort to prove he's a hero, a corgi leads a group of dogs on a mission to bring their mistreated friend to a dog haven called, “Lollipop Farm,' only to discover the family cat has led them to a depressing animal shelter.
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THE SCIENCE OF BASEBALL has a high-concept hook - and it could be used for an interest drama (or even a thriller, given this unusual premise). However, the author doesn't make any of the characters come alive enough and the cast seems functional and flat. Plus, the plot isn't terribly exciting, surprising, or even credible in all three acts. So, despite a good conceit, the execution proves to be awfully disappointing in most regards.
September, 2017
When their brother is drafted into the Great War and out of their burgeoning vaudeville act, Groucho, Chico, and Harpo Marx are forced to enlist to make sure he returns home safely.
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While the Writer is certainly an authority figure when it comes to the Marx Brothers in this compelling farce about a fictitious alternate account of their conscription into the Great War, the story is somewhat underdeveloped even though the humor is prime for the genre. Mostly nostalgic in its comedic chops and an ode to the early 20th century Vaudeville, the major issue in Goodbye Private Gummo is that it occasionally misses its MARX when its caught up in its own comedic niche and bravado making the third acts climax less than cinematic.
When a high-ranking vampire is murdered amidst a serial string of missing humans who are vampire's human food called Blood Moths, an NYPD detective uncovers a spiraling web of conspiracy that runs to the top ranks of a centuries-old ruling council and finds he's the Blood Moth of the prime suspect and must solve the case to make it out alive.
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This project merits extremely high marks for originality by combining the more erotic elements of The Hunger and the Anne Rice novel/movie franchise with a gritty police procedural. The result is fresh and original, and it successfully recasts the vampire mythology in a new light. The idea of vampire and human societies living together side-by-side in a sometimes uneasy co-existence, in some ways, explores similar themes to the Alien Nation movie and television series—a great concept that somehow never seemed to fulfill its full potential.
When a priority challenged twenty-something gets thrown out onto the streets he either gets his act together or comes to terms with being a homeless loser, which kinda suits him more than he'd like to admit.
Episode Synopsis:
After Justin is fired from his job and thrown out on the street by his video game addicted girlfriend, he's forced to adapt to his new homeless lifestyle while at the same time trying to find a job to get back on his feet. Along the way, his priorities are thrown out of whack when he meets a shoe-stealing hobo named Needles and a beautiful, down on her luck, ex-debutante named Nola.
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The dialogue is solid and the pacing is also good. However, Justin (the lead) is not terribly appealing or sympathetic - and it seems almost absurd that he wouldn't have a place to stay or that he couldn't find a new job. Plus, the idea of having two homeless people as the focus of a sitcom is rather problematic. This might be better as a self-contained short or feature, not as a series.
August, 2017
A disillusioned US Marine marksman haunted by the death of his close friend reluctantly joins an elite military unit that hunts down American traitors during the Vietnam War.
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Death Squad puts to shame the war apologists with a clear thesis: America is great, and those that set out to commit evil including those who've betrayed us, will be brought to swift justice.
Indeed, the Hollywood Machine's insatiable appetite for unpatriotic repository-cliches intimating America's the evil imperialist machine and/or highlighting the atrocities of war committed by Americans – usually with a protagonist succumbing to PTSD – “Death Squad' is a Vietnam action/war piece bringing together a breath of fresh air to the tiresome genre.
While the script at present is a contender, there might be a draft or two left to tighten the first act, and make supporting characters a tad bit stronger and memorable. Other than that, the writing is on par with already produced war scripts.
When a couple decides to ask the important question about whether they want to have children, they suddenly get pressed into “parenting' seven kids, and it just may destroy their marriage.
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The project begins with a winning premise about a married couple, debating whether to have children of their own, who unexpectedly find themselves in charge of their friends' boisterous children for the entire week. It is a set-up that, in many ways, is reminiscent of the 2003 Steve Martin hit Cheaper by the Dozen, although distinctly less comedic in tone. Focusing the story on the developing marital tension between William and Sarah may not be the optimal approach. The emphasis on drama, rather than comedy, detracts from the family-friendly nature of the subject matter, and makes the project more of a downer, without any clear resolution at the end.
Cast out of Ireland for misusing powers he does not understand, bullheaded Saint Columba must redeem his soul by converting the pagans of Scotland to Christianity before a vengeful young king kills them.
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GOD OR GLORY: THE LIFE OF ST. COLUMBA has lofty ambitions. Plus, the themes are solid (passion, conviction, redemption, religion, etc.) Films of this sort can become artistically and commercially successful. However, this particular script is far too heavy on verbosity and posturing, and the characters and story aren't terribly memorable, accessible, or even engaging at any point. Only some battle scenes break up the rather monotonous and overwritten, stuffy quality of the writing, and this ultimately fails to really connect with the viewers.
July, 2017
When a normal, everyday guy, Ryan, stumbles upon a flash drive filled with evidence incriminating a criminal organization, he teams up with kickass, hard-nosed bodyguard, Maggie, as they attempt to evade the methodical, but deadly Barbecue Bill, who's hot on their trail.
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BBQ BILL has some terrific action sequences that keep the reader in the shoes of the protagonist, as well as swift writing that flows on the page and gives us just enough detail to keep us engaged. Also engaging are the villains of the story, Bill and his daughter Maggie. There's also a nice twist at the end that we don't see coming.
However, the protagonist in the story, Ryan, is underdeveloped and never reaches the point of being a three-dimensional character. The same is true for sister Autumn, as well as Bill, the title character, who, while unnerving and relentless in his violence, isn't a fully realized character in this screenplay. Because Ryan is underdeveloped, we're not fully on board with his story. Furthermore, the plot often doesn't make sense - for example, after his sister and father are killed, why wouldn't Ryan go to the FBI or some other authorities? A large part of the plot hinges on a decision that doesn't make any sense. Furthermore, it's not Ryan who is driving the action of the story - it's every other character.
After a girl is taken, a police officer comes home to help find her. She was on leave because she was taken, too. Now she's hunting the killer that hunted her.
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Vacationland is a classic serial killer set-up about a female cop with PTSD who returns to her hometown when the serial killer who left her for dead strikes again. The plot foregoes any mystery by revealing the identity of the killer in the very first scene, and this creates a sense of dramatic irony since Vincent is hiding in plain sight in the small resort town as the task force investigation is underway. It is more difficult to create dramatic suspense when the audience has critical information unavailable to the main protagonists, and what seems to lacking from the formula here is enough of a palpable sense of peril for Nora or any of the other central characters.
A woman with paranormal ability to foretell impending death in portraits she sketches, agrees to aid police in identifying the skeletal remains of a serial killer's victims – unaware she knows the madman and may be his next victim. (See notes)
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DRAWINGS has an interesting premise but struggles with a less than active protagonist, repetitive scenes, and confusing tonal issues to the point where some of the characters and scenarios become unintentionally funny and infelicitous to that of a crime thriller -- so, rather than a fully-drawn crime thriller, Drawings is mostly an unintentional darkly, comedic, sometimes creepy distillation of men trying to ease their way into Denise's canvas of chastity and/or guide her to the killer.
In thinking it over, the story engine may be more suited for a case of the week in television, and as such I might recommend transforming this into a one-hour drama pilot -- a cross between Bones and Psych and Isaac Mendez from Heroes.
June, 2017
An online dater seeks companionship, but his childhood fears and boogeymen return at the worst possible time--while he's on his first (and possibly last) date.
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With Monsters is a character-driven horror story with elements of the supernatural, the horrific, human fear and vulnerability and a sense of purpose in life that all play a role as thematics and motifs in the script. Dennis (the story's protagonist) is an interesting, flawed, complicated and cursed protagonist who – while not yet fully developed in this draft – is someone we care about. He's a mystery in a lot of ways, and that's a good thing for the story, as there is a lot of crazy, wild, terrifying stuff going on that we lose a sense of perspective at times – which puts us directly into Dennis' shoes. Another strength to the screenplay are the frightening, sinister demons that plague Dennis life – in the form of Rottenham, The Potato Chip Man and the fun house evil butcher. These horrific characters plague Dennis' life, keep him in place and don't let him escape out into the world.
What's missing from an otherwise engaging storyline is Dennis's status quo in act one. It's not set up enough for us, so we don't see the transformation that he goes through by the end. In addition, the story between Dennis and Carrie is underdeveloped and doesn't build up an emotional connection with the audience. The plot at the end of the second act, into the third act, gets muddled with too much that is unclear, largely because we lose Dennis' POV for chunks of time.
Three socially impaired women, who believe they become empowered by PMS hormones must either find the remedy to menopause or risk devolving into normal, everyday sort of people, with normal, everyday sort of lives.
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Weep, Crave, Loathe is a borderline, raunchy, Fem-COM priding itself in fascinating and mostly completely developed characters, but struggles to find cohesion undergirded by a plot with defining beats in terms of an actual story with enough plot points with consequences.
With enough discipline, the author can elevate the story to a whole new level and retain the same strong female-driven leads, but dial back on repetitive scenes showcasing each characters behavior in favor of putting them into new and interesting circumstances where the audience comes to learn something new from scenes before – i.e. Rudy loves food for instance.
A sitcom about a Dragon's Den/Shark Tank-esque reality show.
Episode Synopsis:
Ernest is the new executive producer to a Dragon's Den, Shark Tank-esque reality show. Unfortunately though his boss Pete hasn't told the old producer (Ben) and host of the show (Evelyn) that Ernest will be in charge of production and Pete will be the new host.
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The basic setting for this pilot is fine - and similar tales/setups have been used for countless other, successful sitcoms (Mary Tyler Moore, 30 Rock, Murphy Brown, etc.). Unfortunately, this script doesn't make the characters or the narrative come alive enough. This feels like two, familiar, and rather derivative, talky scenes - and it's hard to find much reason why an audience would wish to follow these leads in further episodes. Plus, this first installment has almost no laughs or comic set pieces.
May, 2017
A drifter rides into a small Mexican town governed by two ruthless brothers who torment, tax and murder the local peasants so the gunfighter decides to stay and help them out of their misery.
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EL BLANCO has a lot of its foundation down, including a sympathetic and interesting protagonist, some really bad villains and a world that is extremely interesting and presented quite well visually in this screenplay. Also strong in the script is the dialogue, which helps to define the characters and give us a taste of their personality.
What's missing in the story is a clear objective for the protagonist (Ketchum) so that we know what story we're following. As written, the script lacks clear direction until well past the midpoint. The story also doesn't engage strong supporting characters that affect Ketchum's storyline in ways other than the main plot line. That is, there aren't any strong subplots. In addition, some story elements feel contrived, especially at the end, where the plot and story lose focus and logic issues arise.
On the whole, this script has wonderful potential with further development and thought.
In a near-future society, violent criminals have their memories erased and are reintroduced to society under new identities. But when a sadistic killer and his last victim, both "blanked" to forget their horrifying past, meet again and fall in love, the psychological scars of their erased memories resurface, leading to deadly consequences.
Episode Synopsis:
Sadistic killer Ken Price is captured and sentenced to have his memory erased through a process called "blanking." He wakes up nine months later as Kevin Lace, unaware of his dark past, and starts fresh in Seattle. Meanwhile, Tyra Jones, a survivor of Ken's brutal crimes, undergoes blanking to escape her trauma. By chance, Kevin and Tyra meet and fall in love, neither remembering their shared, violent history. As their bond deepens, fragments of their erased memories resurface, threatening to unravel their new lives. The pilot ends on a chilling cliffhanger as the past begins to collide with the present in this tense psychological thriller.
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The pilot for THE BLANKED is a compelling set-up that hooks-in the viewer and leaves them with an appetite for whatever is to come next, but it is a premise that—in many ways—feels like the first act of a feature film more than it does the pilot episode of an ongoing series. The story only has so many directions it can go from here, and none of the obvious ones suggest the potential for a series that a has any real sustainability to last an entire season, and beyond. Reconceive this as the first act of a feature, and you might really have something.
A 20-something slacker is pushed into adulthood when he inherits his uncle's wine and home brew shop with 45 days to make it profitable – or lose it and perhaps himself forever.
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The Gift of Love has a somewhat interesting story bogged down by unnecessarily descriptive action sequences, uneven pacing, missing beats – virtually in every act—that a complete overhaul and rewrite of the story is necessary if the author wants to make this more palatable and focused. This is not to say that the story has its moments – especially in its somewhat usage of compelling minor characters like General Talabi and Nina, but does no favors for the marketability angle when it confuses itself in its own genre, leaving me asking myself what is this? Meaning is it a dark comedy, a drama, a coming of age? The good news: the story can be rewritten to clarify and compel the story dimension. The greatest thing going for A Gift of Love: can be shot on a shoestring budget -- it is worthwhile to rewrite the script heavily and leverage the simplistic story as the premiere selling point.
April, 2017
When a lonely outcast hears a voice coming from his bathroom pipes, it leads him on a dark excursion where belief and truth are not always the same thing.
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The first two acts of THE VOICES are very solid, taking familiar situational tropes but turning them on their heads by presenting the world from the warped perspective of Harlan, who is sort of the ultimate unreliable narrator. More development is indicated in terms of making Danforth a more complex and ambiguous character who can help build dramatic tension as to whether there may be some truth to Harlan's paranoid conspiracy theories. The third act also requires some additional tinkering to allow the “real world' to intrude into Harlan's nightmarish vision, but also still keep some remnant of the supernatural mystery alive.
Gloomfield is a family animated comedy that follows the funny, touching, and strange misadventures of Allie, an orphaned 12-year old witch trying to master the art of magic and Pip, her adoptive father and the clumsy ghost of an absent-minded professor, as they do battle with the ghouls, boogeymen, and monsters that attack their small town.
Episode Synopsis:
In this pilot episode for a family animated comedy series, Allie and Pip must find a way to defeat a demon that possesses the souls of kids who get shoved into lockers before he can steal Allie's spell book.
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GLOOMFIELD - AN AVERAGE DAY has a lot of imagination, fun scenes and a compelling and sympathetic main character, Allie. In addition, supporting characters Bo (her stuffed otter) and Pip (her ghost grandfather) add a lot of fun and energy to the story. While perhaps too much focus in the pilot is given to plot and not enough to character and character relationship development, there is much to like here.
Where the pilot is in need of further development falls in giving Allie a clear goal not just for this episode, but for the series as a whole. We've got to know what Allie wants at the beginning of the pilot, so that we know what to hope and fear for until the end. Also in need of development is Alli's relationship with Pip. As written, Pip's involvement in this story feels somewhat random, having just shown up at the orphanage to take Allie back to live at his house. Their interactions aren't yet drawn out in an engaging way, and their relationship feels largely undefined in the script.
A good draft that is in need of a bit more refinement in both plot and character relationships.
When a curse binds a modern independent woman to an abused wife from ancient Rome, they must find a way to navigate the power of the Roman gods, a relentless rival, and each other to break the curse before it proves fatal.
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Borrowing elements from such successful adventure franchises as Indiana Jones, National Treasure, but with a female driven character – and one with a ticking time curse over her head -- ATTACHED succeeds structurally but needs improvement on dialogue; developing its secondary characters; and eliminating platitudinous dialogue and other tropes of the adventure genre. All the while, it would benefit from expanding on the action and exploration elements of the action adventure subgenre. This means adding more scenes that either serve to increase the stakes, or show Caccini giving pursuit in chase sequences.
March, 2017
*COMPLETE REWRITE OF THE 2017 AUSTIN FILM FESTIVAL DRAMATIC SCREENPLAY WINNER* In a misguided attempt to mend her broken heart, a lovelorn twentysomething decides to pursue a casual, no-emotions-attached fling with a womanizing stranger from Tinder.
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The basic themes here - love, heartbreak, commitment, revenge, etc. - are fine, and the dialogue is credible (though it needs more subtext) and the pacing is good. But it's quite difficult to care about or invest in Emily, the lead, and there's really a very simple and predictable story here. This feels as though it would be better as a one-act play or a short, and as a feature it doesn't really sustain the audience's interest throughout. Plus, the ending is especially disappointing, despite some universal ideas being presented.
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Blutterbunged is a borderline farce/dark comedy blending a lot of genres a la Coen Bros with a bold fake-out climax and resolution in the third act payoff, which is good, but that requires a better setup with more time and development to flesh out some of the competing characters in on the elaborate ruse in the end.
As protagonist Hywell in some sense represents the futility in ambition in modern day society, some of the lesser known characters fade in and out in the script for the first two acts when such a bold facade at the end cannot exist without them; I feel the writer should devote more screen time to their collective efforts ultimately give the story more impact and substance.
Captain Susan: pirate queen, all powerful master she-bitch from the furthermost reaches of hell (formerly Let's Be Famous)
by Former Resident
Screenplay, 91 pages
Comedy, Adventure
When a young woman with #metoo anger related issues hits her head and thinks she's a pirate, she acts out on a scurvy group of guys in an attempt to even the score.
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Let's Be Famous is a goofy 'romantic' comedy that centers around two misguided New Yorkers looking for some inspiration in their professional lives and a jolt of energy in their relationship. The strengths of the screenplay are largely around its engaging thematics, themes that include that of relationships, survival, fame and personal growth.
While there is a lot of potential in the premise of this screenplay, the current draft falls short of working as a movie in many ways. There are a series of logic issues and scenes that don't move the story forward. The main characters aren't yet fully formed as three-dimensional characters, in large part because they serve the plot rather than the other way around. Many of the decisions that they make don't make much sense, and the events in the plot in which they find themselves feel contrived rather than a logical progression of the story. The script is also in need of clear goals for the protagonists, and an antagonist who gets in the way of their goals.
February, 2017
A hardened woman joins a determined father for a journey across the post-apocalyptic American West filled with natural hazards, herds of bloaters, and the brutal remnants of humanity.
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THE SNAKE is a story of survival that explores the thematics of cosmic indifference, inexplicable evil, home and trust. It is structured around two compelling characters in a state of crisis, simply trying to find some sense of hope and normality in a new and savage world. Other strong attributes to the script are its dialogue, the flow of writing on the pages, having a strong sense of world and the visual, and putting the characters into a series of obstacles and complex situations.
What the script is in need of is a clear, coherent and compelling third act. Right now, there isn't one. When Taylor fails to achieve his second act objective (ending the second act), there isn't much more to the story aside from a somewhat contrived and lackluster twist. The story's opening also lacks the energy of the second act. The journey of Riley and Taylor doesn't start out in a compelling way, and it's not clear why the two are together in the first place. It kind of just happens. It needs a reason - one with a lot of energy and danger to set the tone of the rest of the story. The script also lacks a clear and present villain who is constantly making things difficult for Riley and Taylor. While the two do run into a series of obstacles, they also need major challenges by a villain who wants to stop them for one reason or another - or wants something that they have.
On the whole, an entertaining draft that is well on its way to making for an entertaining film.
The world falls prey to an elusive cyber-terrorist when a mysterious registry surfaces containing individual timers that count down to the exact moment a person will die.
Episode Synopsis:
A video editor's life collapses into turmoil once he receives a mysterious drive that links him to a database containing the most personal information on everyone in the world, including a countdown to when they will die.
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Pilot episodes of hour-long television dramas always pose a plethora of daunting challenges. Not only do they have to establish the series' underlying premise, introduce compelling principal characters and the dynamics among them, but also present intriguing ongoing conflicts that will plant the dramatic seeds for future episodes and lay the groundwork for the show's sustainability. That's a lot to ask for in a teleplay of 60 pages or less and, although this pilot episode accomplishes some these tasks, it falls quite a bit short on others.
Bush League tells the intertwined stories of Metro Detroit-based friends and lovers, all slow-to-mature millennials on a co-ed, slow-pitch softball team, as they attempt to emerge victorious from their last season as a team, come to grips with their waning adolescence, and finally realize stakes are higher off the field than on it.
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While BUSH LEAGUE incorporates many of the elements from classic 80s sports driven comedies/dramas, it struggles to form a cohesive plot as it dives at bottle-neck speeds of baseball trope and pun cliche. I.E. Masterbatters, balls and bat as a metaphor for dick jokes, etc. And while one or two is okay, the jokes are incessant and ultimately feel like overkill.
Additionally, at 123 pages Bush League is weighed down by endless baseball sequences, devoid of critical meaning and thus sacrificing character development, with the exception of the team's conductor Tommy and his estranged wife with their unborn child.
A snapblend of comedy and drama, one is left wondering what is this/ what is at stake and what happens if the team somehow loses? There just needs to be more there there.
January, 2017
Researchers have developed an experimental microchip which, when embedded in an individual, will allow the person to become invisible for a short period of time. The two who were selected for this experiment were chosen based on certain medical criteria and neither have living family members. As the two unite, it becomes clear there will be problems. One, a former gang member from Los Angeles and the other, a redneck from Texas.
Episode Synopsis:
Going Stateside. Gabriella De La Rosa, a Latino and former gang member, has been in the military for ten years, and returns to her home in Los Angeles, to take care of some personal matters. Clay Platt, a good ole southern redneck, has been assigned to accompany her on this mission. In this episode, she encounters a crooked attorney as well as gang members who want her dead and Clay is there to help.
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Some very ambitious and commercial themes included here - and the script never really drags, which is another plus. The lead characters have potential and the scenes between them are the highlight. However, this pilot occasionally seems a bit disjointed and frenetic and it's possible that some smart streamlining, for this first episode, would be wise and helpful -- and a couple of the additional crime aspects could be saved for the next installment.
The true story of Juan Pujol, the eccentric double agent who tricked Hitler and saved D-Day.
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One of the strengths of Arabel is that, at its foundation, the plot and Pujol's story are exceptionally interesting and an important one to tell. Another strong point to the script is its first act. The writer does a terrific job setting up the story and the main characters, Pujol and Araceli. However, as the story progresses into the second act, the problems with both plot and character emerge and the story plateaus and doesn't find its footing. Pujol doesn't evolve into a three-dimensional character, his relationship with Araceli fades into the background the script becomes plot heavy with very little character development. Furthermore, while Pujol's character is likeable, he remains mostly inactive in the story. He's not out in the field taking dramatic action. He's never in any serious danger, and we don't worry about his well-being. In addition, the story lacks a clear and present villain making Pujol's goals harder to reach.
A former detective, now a thief, helps a single mom escape from the gangster who threatens her.
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The Angelino almost feels like a piece of machinery that was reverse-engineered, and then rebuilt by mechanics trying to reproduce the original with inferior parts. It looks and sounds like the real thing but, in terms of actual playability, the overall quality simply isn't the same. Your writing, particularly your dialogue is consistently first-rate, and that's what saves the screenplay from complete breakdown. But, in this case, it feels like you're channeling an authorial voice not your own with a connection that's a bit staticky. The writing gets the job done, but it comes off more like mimicry than inspiration. The plot itself no doubt needs some work, but more importantly what's missing from the project is a different way of approaching this kind of material that is uniquely your own.
December, 2016
When the majority of the world's population is disabled due to a mysterious malady, mankind must choose whether to sacrifice them for the greater good or keep them alive because it's the right thing to do.
Episode Synopsis:
The global crisis of SCAR is shown through the eyes of three Romanov siblings. Alex is a brilliant young programmer who is serving time for cyber crimes is released from jail on the Presidential "SCAR Emergency Measures act" to provide care for the growing sick population in public SCAR care unit. Alex struggles with depression and failed attempts to reconnect with his estranged sister Sonia, an overworked physician who works exceedingly long hours due to growing "professional power crisis" induced by the SCAR epidemic while taking care of their SCAR demented mother at home and raising the youngest sibling Nikolai, who is acutely affected by everything that's happening in the world and is desperately trying to find its place and purpose in it.
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Pilots that deal in certain types of genres, like fantasy and science fiction, always face special challenges because so much of the page real estate has to be devoted to world-building and establishing the fundamental context. Oftentimes, this leaves the screenwriter with only limited screen time to establish the characters and present enough actual drama to get the viewer hooked and enthusiastic enough to want to tune in for episode two. The pilot episode of Scar does an excellent job of balancing these two exigencies, presenting a unique dystopian world that clearly has more behind it that immediately meets the eye, while firmly establishing the three main protagonists who will be moving the drama forward in future episodes.
In her role as a Pinkerton Detective, Kate not only copes with an empty bank account, hostile colleagues and a toxic mother - she thwarts an assassination attempt on the President-elect's life and unmasks a serial killer. Inspired by a true story.
Episode Synopsis:
In 1860's Chicago, a newly widowed young woman, unaware of her wealthy mother's treacherous plans, is determined to repay her husband's debts and prove her skill to the Pinkerton detective agency.
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KATE WARNE, DETECTIVE features a promising concept which takes place during an intriguing time – a female private detective in the second half of 19th century America is surely an original premise that should be an eye catcher. While this is a procedural detective show, it bears some resemblance to the medical drama DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN. The pilot continues the surging trend in the industry these days– the rise of the female protagonists – and the overall conflict, which is a female detective at the time when females had little rights, is solid and compelling. That said, the pilot requires further development in order to feel fully fleshed out.
In an artistic town that depends on creativity, an unimaginative misfit discovers he is the key to keeping the inspiration flowing for everyone except himself.
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With an unequivocally exceptionally strong concept and not in any 'lacka' imagination, Insight Heights smashes the realms of creativity by delivering a super compelling universe, but as is often the case where the author overextends the purview of the mythos, it is somehwat shackled by the limited number of pages all while capitalizing on explaining things brought to the table either too late, resolved off screen, or not fully developed.
In essence, the story stretches the imagination but also simultaneously stretches the story over only 92 pages, paradoxically leaving a lot of room to explore, even though there is no shortage of creative exposition in the town of creativity.
November, 2016
Just as a scriptwriter is found drowned in the ocean, a hot filmmaker pitches his next movie to a studio head and his pitch becomes the film-within-the-film but as his story unfolds, and the lines of reality blur, all is not what it seems.
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There are several strong attributes to the screenplay Flavor Of The Month, including engaging dialogue, a strong and smooth flow in the writing, engaging thematics and some surprising twists and turns. The main idea – or thematic - explored in the story is one involving peoples' willingness to fall into the abyss of depravity, deception and murder in order to achieve their lofty goals and dreams. And this idea permeates every scene.
However, while the screenplay has a strong foundation, there are character and plot elements that need further refinement for it to work as a movie. For one, the script's POV isn't fully defined between the two characters who take up the most real estate in the storytelling. In addition, neither of the main characters have clear goals. On this note, the screenplay also lacks in challenges and obstacles for the main characters, who don't make decisions that entice complications into the plot.
Twentysomething KATE STANTON has a knack for recognizing the problems in everyone's love lives except for her own.
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What Waking Up with Boys has done—and to a large degree successfully—is deconstruct the romantic comedy genre and provide the reader with a screenplay that is more naturalistic, more sophisticated, and more authentic. These are all positive attributes of the author's writing style. But turning a genre on it's head doesn't relieve the screenwriter of the responsibilty telling a story and providing some kind of narrative structure. The challenge is not to substitute plotting for endless dialogue scenes, but to come up with a better kind of story than we get in the typical rom-com and subverting the genre by defying--not simply ignoring--the typical tropes and cliches.
A primadonna PR manager wants to marry for all the wrong reasons, but to receive the marriage blessings from his partner's German family, he needs to pass a final exam at the traditionalist grandmother's 'housewife school'.
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Borrowing elements from Meet The Parents, but with actually a main protagonist that is not as dopy as Gaylord Focker -- having bigger obstacles to overcome, Michael Wants to Marry has a promising premise but gets lost in its own minutiae. This is true particularly in the second and third act where Michael meets Oma the homophobic, often authoritarian Grandmother of Lars who sees to it that Michael will never take her grandson in marriage.
October, 2016
A US Army sergeant defies impossible odds to infiltrate ISIS, bring down an infamous, charismatic, British-born leader named Jihadi Joe, prevent a dirty bomb attack on Vatican City, and save the woman he loves from slavery.
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Jihadi Joe is a ripped-from-the-headlines type story, told in classic style, that contains plenty of action and a good deal of commercial potential. Execution is quite solid all around, with a near professional polish, and the screenplay's plusses far outweigh the areas in which it still needs some work but, as far as early drafts go, this one is exactly where it needs to be at this point in the process.
Series Synopsis
The Fenians is a true story of Irish patriots that join the 1866 Rebellion, are betrayed by one of their own and suffer the consequences of going against the British Crown. John O'Reilly comes from a long line of Irish patriots in the North of Ireland. He joins the English Army and rises to the rank of Captain while he secretly recruits Irishmen to fight in the rebellion. John Devoy's father was an Irish schoolmaster who taught Devoy to be ever loyal to Ireland and always fight for her freedom. Both men help to organize the 1866 Rebellion that never was. Cap...
Episode Synopsis:
Episode I
1866 Ireland: Irish Patriot and Fenian John O'Reilly infiltrate the British army in Dublin and secretly joins the rebellion. He and civilian John Devoy recruit many to the cause and anxiously await orders to strike. The Fenians are betrayed by one of their own and the English crush the rebellion before it begins. O'Reilly is brought before the judge and convicted as a traitor to the crown and sentenced to death by hanging.
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THE FENIAN is a great story about a failed Irish rebellion in 1866 against British oppression that needs some work on differentiating characters and their goals as well as strengthening act breaks by transitioning them with suspenseful cliffhangers instead of out of place conversations and occurrences that otherwise do not add any meaning to where the next act picks up. By adding a strong female protagonist to the mix and eliminating redundant scenes that distract the plot, The Fenian can easily be up for consideration a draft or two down the road.
When a wealthy man's family is kidnapped by a jihadist group and relocated to dangerous wetlands, he unknowingly has help from within as the kidnappers plan for their brutal murders and takeover of the U.S. government. (See Notes)
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The strengths to the screenplay BAYOU HOSTAGES include an exciting opening kidnapping sequence, a good flow to the overall writing that keeps the action moving along, and an interesting (yet underdeveloped) central protagonist (Max).
However, the screenplay is need of much further development with its characters and plot. There isn't a clear central protagonist, and the story's antagonist is one-dimensional with a goal that seems pulled out of a James Bond film. Max's objective must be more than saving Gabby and Willow from the swamp otherwise it makes the entire plot feel unnecessary. (Why didn't he just save them at the time of the kidnapping?)
Jared is another character who needs more action and direction in the story. He clearly wants to find Gabby and Willow, but only gives orders and doesn't do anything himself to make this happen.
Giving the main characters more complications and obstacles is key to upping the needed suspense and tension that is missing from this story.
September, 2016
After the death of his family, a brilliant Computer Programmer tests his greatest creation, a virtual reality technology that directly connects with your mind bringing your deepest desires to life. But what happens when your dreams turn your life into a nightmare?
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IN DREAMS takes a look at the potential role virtual reality will play in our lives, and the dangers of its complexities and possibilities have in our real lives. In addition, the thematics of love, family and technology are each explored in compelling ways in this story.
However, the script lacks direction because the story's protagonist doesn't always have a clear goal. That goal does eventually become more defined, but by then it's too late. The script also lacks an antagonist making life difficult for Mike. As a result, the story lacks strong tension and conflict.
Other shortcomings include events that help to define Mike as a character, an underdeveloped love relationship between Mike and Adriana, and no sense of deep remorse or conflict in Mike's life in the immediate aftermath of the death of his wife and son.
As a gunslinger searches for those responsible for his sister's murder, he ends up helping a widow whose husband was connected with his family's massacre.
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Westerns are typically considered a very tricky genre to pull off in the contemporary marketplace. One of the reasons for this is that the classical tropes that define the genre are so limiting, allowing very little openness for a new spin or story angle that audiences haven't already seen a million times before. Although very nicely-written, this screenplay fails to answer that challenge with any truly unique or original elements that sets it apart from the pack.
An eighteen-year-old framed for a brutal murder returns home after fifteen years in prison only to become embroiled in conflict with her own mother, one of those who testified against her, the local sheriff and the real killer.
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MURDER IN THE MOTHER LODE has some universal, commercial themes - as we follow Abby Denison, paroled after 15 years in prison for a murder she didn't commit. And while it's effective to see her (and Sheriff Spencer) work toward finding out the identity of the real killer, the script itself doesn't have as much true suspense/mystery as it should.
This screenplay revolves around the past so much that there's not nearly enough action or build in the present tense. If some of the redundant and occasionally contrived exposition were cut, and the supporting players were given far more depth and memorable traits, this would improve a great deal.
August, 2016
Rocky Stone, a 5 year old gumshoe, investigates the biggest case of his life when a valuable diamond goes missing in his class. Rocky must navigate the tangled web of Kindergarten politics to crack the case.
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KINDERGARTEN DETECTIVE is a strong script well on its way to working as a fun, entertaining and thematically rich movie.
It's strong elements include an engaging protagonist (Rocky), well-outlined supporting characters, a plot with clear goals for the protagonist, a series of interesting thematics that are explored, and an overall story that is quite cleaver.
Areas that are in need of further development include the character relationships between Rocky and his father Christopher, Rocky and best friend Mitch, adding more twists and turns to make the plot less predictable, and having Rocky use his five-year-old detective intuition to solve the crime rather than having an unimportant character serve up the answers in a purge of guilt.
That being said, the script is well on its way to working as a marketable and richly entertaining and thematically engaging feature.
The struggles of an independently run Denver comic store are explored when one of the four owners sells his share to his 22 year old daughter. Her arrival creates divisions within the group that they must overcome to stay in business and remain friends.
Episode Synopsis:
We meet the owners: Sean, Keith, and Zach, as they struggle to stay afloat in the absence of their co-owner Gary, who sells his share to daughter Larissa just as the guys are preparing for the upcoming Denver Comic Con.
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BACK ISSUES feels like the project that Kevin Smith would have written if he deiced to create a show about a comic shop store. This pilot features a unique and original setting and backdrop for a TV show - a comic book shop, especially In this day and age where comic books are constantly being adapted to the silver screen, TV and even theater. It's refreshing to get a glimpse on the lives of those who remain true to their medium and are genuine comic book fans, way before they become the widely popular medium they are today thanks to Marvel and DC's super hero's flicks.
A serial killer death match. Which might be fun if you weren't thrown in as fresh meat.
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Fresh Meat departs from an initial premise similar to Saw, injects a bit of The Hunger Games competitive death match into the recipe, and finishes things off with a liberal coating of Kill Bill-esque ironic humor. These are all strong ingredients, but ones that are difficult to successfully combine and, after a promising opening, the story traction starts to stall—particularly in the second act—where the plot seems to lose direction. The evil mastermind behind this plot seems to have gone to a great deal of trouble to put the country's most dangerous serial killers together under one roof, without having fully thought through what he wants to do with them, now that he has them—“because that's what alpha serial killers like to do' doesn't quite cut the mustard as an explanation.
July, 2016
When an awkward homebody is about to destroy his relationship with his daughter, he decides to try to overcome his fear of socializing by house sitting.
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CALLING IT IN has, at its core, an interesting premise and a flawed protagonist who is in a state of crisis. Cole is a man cut off from the world and, more importantly, from his family (his daughter) due to a reluctance to interact with people outside his San Diego apartment. Cole's goal is clear from the get-go: to spend more time with his daughter Kandis. And we quickly learn that leaving his apartment to accomplish this goal is next to impossible.
Cole's relationship with Amanda is important, but it comes about much too late in the screenplay (nearly 3/4 the way through) and doesn't have enough time to truly develop, have complications and push Cole into a different direction in his life.
The script doesn't give us a strong enough picture of just how bad things are for Cole, just how much distress he's feeling. We've got to know just how bad things are and how, if he doesn't change, he'll live an unfulfilled life.
When a suicidal ex-con discovers the crash that killed his son was staged, he navigates the clandestine web of insurance fraud in search of revenge, but finds a reason to live along the way.
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The idea of a newly-released ex-con embarking on a rampage of vengeance is not exactly the most original premise, and several other reviewers have remarked upon the screenplay's plot similarities to other recent movies. The relative lack of uniqueness, however, is probably less of an issue than the project's own somewhat shaky structural underpinnings. It takes too long for Durazo to get up-to-speed and actually start going after the insurance fraudsters responsible for his son's death, while the time-line of the relationship dynamic between Durazo and Manny feels compressed and not completely authentic. Dialogue is sharp, and there is a nice gritty sensibility to the writing overall, but what is good about the screenplay is overshadowed by a story that's difficult to follow, with a good many logical inconsistencies, and a not particularly believable resolution.
An emotionally-stunted loner is forced out of his shell by his hard-charging goldfish.
Episode Synopsis:
Stanley is content to live a quiet, controlled life. But, something compels him to adopt a mouthy goldfish, Albert.
Albert doesn't trust Stanley's motivations. Is Stanley a serial killer? A control freak? Or, just weird? Why would he adopt a fish like him?
Stanley has his own doubts about Albert. Will his fish's party habits cost him his house? Is Albert always so mean?
Things come to a head when Albert trashes the house and doesn't seem to care. Stanley lashes out and Albert runs away, taking Stanley's car in the process.
When Albert is arrested for speeding and giving lip to the officer, Stanley leaps at the chance to bail his tiny companion. Maybe he likes him more than he realizes.
Albert discovers Stanley's true motivations and...
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The basic premise is definitely offbeat and different - but it's also not a great foundation for an entire series. The author makes the (odd) decision not to use animation, and so we never can hear Albert - the fish - speak or really get to know him throughout. This is a real shame. And combined with flat characters and a rather silly, empty plot, this seems like it would be far better as a simple sketch/short film, not a TV show (unless a great deal of development work and rewriting were done).
June, 2016
Two reporters investigate the conspiracy theories surrounding the Oklahoma City Bombing.
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169 presents an excellent premise for a complex government conspiracy thriller that, if pulled off to its full potential, could rank alongside Oliver Stone's JFK and All the President's Men. The current draft, however, makes some structural missteps in terms of its approach to the story, indecisive as to whether it wants to be a McVeigh biopic or journalistic investigative piece focusing on Emmett. A strong and consistent character POV and a greater focus on the overarching governmental conspiracy are the missing ingredients holding the screenplay back from hitting its full stride. The third act remains problematic with Emmett continuing to focus his efforts on McVeigh's co-conspirators, rather than escalate his investigation against the actual government players. A good deal more work is indicated before the project is ready to market, but the project demonstrates strong potential for a relevant issue-oriented project that could strike home with audiences and critics.
Keeping the promise he made as a child, a gifted teenager enlists a disillusioned Vietnam War veteran to help him find the mythical birth place of Inus warriors... hidden deep within the uncharted, always dangerous Amazon jungles.
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While there are clearly flaws within this draft of the script, Frederick is still very clearly a talented writer with great potential. This is most evident within the structuring of the script itself. Though he has a large premise, Frederick takes longer to get into the actual action, allowing time for some ample character development along the way. Granted, there are still issues, including the plausibility of the plot and some odd characters, but it's a solid effort by a gifted writer.
A team of paranormal investigators recreates scenes from horrific mass murders to open a portal that allows a young woman to return to the actual events where she can impact the outcomes and save innocent lives.
Episode Synopsis:
When a female sound technician for a group of ghost hunters gets sucked into the mysterious world of a long dead accused mass murderer, she must navigate a fragmented reality to prove his innocence.
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CONTINUITY takes a compelling look at the boundaries between life and death and the living's ability to penetrate through to the other side. There are some exciting scenes involving ghosts, murder, history and moral ambiguity. While Julie isn't yet a fully defined character in this story, she is a sympathetic one who has many issues in her own life - a life that the paranormal/other world may be able to explore/solve in interesting ways.
That being said, we simply don't get to know Julie well enough. She is largely overshadowed by the plot and lost among the other supporting characters in the story. We don't know her that well, therefore we're not part of her emotional story and our concern about what happens to her is greatly diminished. That is, we're not invested in her as a character enough to be any more concerned about her well-being than any of the other supporting, simply-defined characters in the script.
Wallace is a particularly interesting character whose backstory is well drawn in this pilot. His motivations for what he is doing are clear and there is a well-defined emotional connection made between his work and his personal life. We're interested in Wallace's overall work on 'Continuity' and this will clearly be something explored through the season. We suspect that it will encompass Julie's story as well - though this path isn't fully yet forged in the pilot.
May, 2016
When a recent law graduate with a bright future accidentally hits and kills a hitchhiker and buries the body, he discovers the dead man isn't so easily put in the rearview mirror.
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Dead Ahead is a taut well-constructed psycho-thriller with noirish tonalities that features some mature restrained writing and a plot with enough surprises to keep the viewer guessing almost up until the dark finale. At a slim 93 pages, the screenplay is a bit light, both in terms of weight and dramatic substance, to weigh-in as a mainstream feature film, but the quality is good enough to potentially rank as a solid low-budget indie offering. Even so, there seems to be a bit more padding than strictly necessary, with a few scenes that could be easily cut without sacrificing the overall dramatic impact, and another way to go might be to condense the screenplay even further into a truly powerful short film. Quibbles aside, this is a very solid submission that displays a high level of sophistication and poise on the part of a screenwriter who is clearly starting to master his craft.
After losing her fiancé to the war, a British Air Woman stoically endures the chaos of World War II and learns how to trust in love again.
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WHIRLWIND ROMANCE is a WWII drama/romance that, while in need of more challenges and complications for the protagonist, does a good job creating three-dimensional characters who are often in a state of crisis. The dialogue is strong throughout, and the scenes are written such that they move along with ease. Yvonne is a likeable character, but feels too isolated in the story, as the supporting characters don't affect her story enough. It's also unclear what Yvonne's goals are in the story, what she wants but is having a tough time getting. This causes the plot to lose direction, and we miss out on a sense of tension in the storytelling. The script also lacks an antagonist, which adds to the script's depleted amount of tension and conflict.
James, born in 1909 in rural South Carolina, believes he is called to build a magnificent throne ensemble made from junk, but must overcome his resentment against his father and God to do so. He changes the life of a fatherless little girl with an alcoholic mother, and helps restore sanity to a mentally disturbed homeless woman, as he obsessively races to complete it before he dies.
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Although there is at times some promising writing on display, the overall concept and execution of A Grand Obsession simply isn't there, at least within this initial draft. While the writer is clearly talented, as the prose seems to indicate, the biggest issues revolve around not just the concept, but the awkward dialogue exchanges, seemingly fruitless plot developments, such as the fact that the writer has seemingly fictionalized nearly all of Hampton's life. That may seem like a unique at first, but the script instantly loses some credibility from that point forward. At the present moment, it'd be hard to give this script a full consider. Instead, this is weak consider at best, especially considering the major narrative decision the writer makes up front.
April, 2016
A conspiracy writer with an approaching deadline pieces together clues gathered from his neighbors on the whereabouts of his promiscuous wife - who he assumes left him for someone else - in order to finish his book. Set in Brooklyn, New York 1986.
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One of the notable strengths of FOUR STORIES is its ability to keep its protagonist in a constant state of crisis. The detective work Bimo does via his novel writing combined with a looming professional deadline keeps the tension flowing. But the pieces of the mystery's puzzle don't ignite Bimo into much action until the end. Furthermore, the constant flashbacks not only disrupt the present day story too much, but don't go far enough to elucidate Bimo's and Andrea's relationship.
All in all, some interesting material here that is on its way to becoming a marketable script.
The world falls prey to an elusive cyber-terrorist when a mysterious registry surfaces containing individual timers that count down to the exact moment a person will die.
Episode Synopsis:
Computer-wiz Jaron races against the clock, the authorities, and a cyber-terrorist, to prevent the world from caving into chaos after a panic-inducing mass email - the contents of which he's all too familiar with - hits the world by storm. Lisa deals with the realization that a viral internet hoax may not be what it seems, and that her estranged father might only have a few hours left to live. Meanwhile, the United States government pulls out all the stops to verify if the hoax is real, while the stability of the world hangs in the balance... but it may already be too late.
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Though bristling with potential, The Registry still needs work in key sections, such as characterization and dialogue, in order to more fully bring to life a truly inventive concept. While the writer is clearly and obviously talented, that doesn't quite get this draft of the script across the finish line, and further rewrites are certainly needed. However, this is still a strong sample from a writer with real potential.
When their Hollywood icon father prophesies the imminent destruction of Los Angeles, three siblings must decide what they believe when they're sent into ground zero to save a young woman and recover a box of secrets.
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The basic premise of In a Pillar of Fire - that a famous actor announces on a live TV interview that God spoke to him, about a prophecy (saying that LA will be destroyed soon) is actually quite good and could be the basis for a suspenseful and exciting movie. But the plot and characters that have been presented to us in this draft are not yet memorable, engaging, or effective enough. The script doesn't use this conceit enough - or even build much till the end, and the conclusion ultimately proves to be rather anticlimactic and empty, despite some final moments of action.
March, 2016
When a brave, but reclusive young woman gains unwanted fame for her heroic harbor rescues, some members of 19th-century society work to stop her from becoming one of the first official lighthouse keepers in history.
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IDA is a compelling character-driven drama that has a strong, three-dimensional protagonist, interesting supporting characters -all tested by the struggles of the Rhode Island/lighthouse life. While some of the supporting characters - including Richard and William - could have used a bit more development and incorporation into Ida's story, the script had a lot going for it. This would make for a strong low-budget feature.
The simple story of two hapless drifters, looking for their place in the world.
Episode Synopsis:
The 24 year old itinerant, Frank Arnold, finds the teenage Agnes tethered by her neck in a woodland ditch. She is naked, emaciated, moss covered and mute. Frank frees her and they set out on a wild journey across a mythical, ever-changing landscape.
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THE UGLY is a rather gritty and lean period pilot - with a few moments of good action and mystery. Yet, we aren't terribly fond of any of the lead (or the supporting) characters - and we have a somewhat difficult time believing that Frank and Agnes would team up together, or that all the other characters Frank encounters would keep going after him in such a violent and antagonistic way.
At times, this seems as though it would be better if just expanded a bit and turned into a single movie - with beginning, middle, and ending. The author might have lots of adventures in mind, but at the moment it's hard to see this being sustained as an entire series -- and it could be stronger as a self-contained, indie feature.
A dark and humorous look into the lives of a small town volunteer fire company.
Episode Synopsis:
Mickey's inexperience leads to a potential crisis for the Fire Company and his suspension. Henry, the Chief, deals with the aftermath. An opportunity for redemption presents itself to Mickey, sort of.
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ASHLAND has an interesting combination of solid dramatic beats combined with genuine comedy moments. There are not that many episodic shows out there that deal solely with the lives and routines of one single fire department, and most of the shows which does usually combines firefighters with paramedics and cops, much like the famous shows THIRD WATCH and EMERGENCY!. Hence, this pilot has a promising concept that feels fresh and intriguing. With that said, the pilot lacks the traditional one hour structure, thus giving an awkward pace and unbalanced tone.
February, 2016
When a deep sea explorer goes missing in the Gulf of Mexico, his son must unravel a mystery embedded in his father's Last Will and Testament, and doing so will entangle him in a world of drug smugglers, murderers and back stabbers.
Episode Synopsis:
The pilot episode revolves around the disappearance of Rocky Murdoch, a famed deep sea explorer, following his yacht's explosion in the Gulf of Mexico. His son Jake, a bounty hunter, tries to make sense out of the tragedy, but it only becomes more muddled when Jake is the recipient of a mysterious satellite phone, and is involved in a shooting with a henchman for an unusual drug lord.
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BOUNTY has some intriguing and compelling mystery elements that manage to capture and engage the reader throughout the entire script. There's a solid, surprising twist at the end of the script, which successfully lays the ground for future episodes, as it complicates the show's arc and introduces us to a new and unexpected antagonist- Jake's brother. However the pilot doesn't reach its full potential due to a passive protagonist and an unbalanced action and dialogue ratio.
After getting a glimpse of the future and seeing who she believes is the reincarnation of her boyfriend being murdered, a New York district attorney is determined to stop it from happening.
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There is nothing wrong with a high-concept supernatural thriller that is tied together with a strong romantic throughline, but somehow combining themes of reincarnation into a time travel/time jump story creates structural issues that are difficult to overcome and resolve in a mainstream screenplay. The two main protagonists currently spend too much of the movie following separate independent story arcs, where the key to mining the most drama is probably to be found in figuring out how to get Claire and Derek interacting in the same space much earlier. Making things work at an optimal level may require rethinking the mechanics of Derek's rebirth to substantially condense the time-frame to build upon the momentum and sense of urgency developed in the first act.
When kidnappers lock down an entire high school, a browbeaten math teacher struggles to lead her class of entitled teenagers to safety.
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Despite a strong beginning that has the potential to turn the script into a timely, intriguing drama, Home of the Vipers slowly loses its way by relying heavily on the usual clichés we've seen before, which also includes a rather tepid third act, and never truly takes us inside a terrifying and potentially thought provoking situation. Having said that, there are clear ways the script can improve, and with the necessary attention paid to said details, such as bolstering the reality of the situation and creating a more diverse, interesting cast of characters, a rewrite could go a long way toward making the script worthy of further consideration.
January, 2016
A female biologist encounters a hostile homecoming when she attempts to reintroduce wolves to Yellowstone Park, while at the same time, reintroducing her ten year old daughter to her ex-husband (a wildlife photographer). Inspired by true events.
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With The Year the Wolves Came, author Andy Froemke has written a deep, moving drama about one woman's journey, one that connects on nearly every page despite some flaws in the second act and the lack of an introduction, early on, of a specific antagonist. Though it may be a difficult concept to actually get to the screen, that doesn't remove the obvious talent and ability that the writer flashes throughout the script.
A cocky, British womaniser falls for a talented Turkish pattern weaver, caught in a loveless arranged marriage.
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Arabesque is a sufficiently structured script that accomplishes consistent reader engagement mainly through characters and their interactions with one another. The story is relatively simple and straightforward; what keeps the reader interested is quirky characters and their suspenseful reactions with one another as it relates to the political climate the story is structured around. And while the story is entertaining upon the first read, to really become a top notch script it needs to build up the stakes even higher and maintain them if the ending is to feel consistently dramatic and authentic. As it's written, Seha's decision to betray her arranged marriage is too easily accomplished and Harun's murder of his sister feels a bit abrupt and out of place, given his role in the story and the way his character was developed in all the preceding pages.
A burned-out, alcoholic diplomat is recruited by the CIA to prop up a brutal dictator, supposedly for the greater good of the Middle East. As she sinks into a dangerous game of double-crosses, espionage and lies, she questions who she's really working for.
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The current draft of The Lesser Evil demonstrates that the screenwriter has already done a majority of the heavy lifting in terms of building a structural foundation, presenting a story with a solid three act outline with plot beats that hit at all the right places. However, that outline now needs to be fleshed out and developed with more depth and complexity added to the characterizations, dialogue, and dramatic nuance.
December, 2015
Desperate for money, three people are lured into heisting exotic animals, only to find themselves hunted by the FBI, a deep web society, and an unstoppable hitman with his own agenda.
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The characters, dialogue, and black comic situations bear similarities to the Coen brothers and Tarentino, but the project carves out its own unique niche. The screenplay is at its best when it allows the characters free rein to ramble off into seemingly random conversations that display their personalities to advantage. However, this strength is too often overshadowed by overly complex plotting and structural flourishes that render the story distracting and sometimes difficult to follow.
An ex-Metropolitan Police officer works for an anti-poaching unit in Kariba, Africa's largest man-made lake. Whilst investigating incidences of poaching and animal attacks on people, she discovers that both mermaids and monsters exist beneath the surface of the Great Zambezi River and that their existence is inextricably connected to the land and people that occupy it.
Episode Synopsis:
An anti poaching investigator discovers mythical beings are responsible for the disappearance of villagers.
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The strengths of the pilot fall in the foundational aspects of the story and the location in which the story is set. The areas most in need of development include punching up the protagonist's (Tembi's) personal story, as we don't get to know that much about her. Furthermore, Tembi isn't the one who drives the action of the narrative in the pilot, and that's a problem.
The pilot also does a good job setting up the story's villains - including Brett and General Pudzai. There are some interesting supporting characters, but we don't yet get to know them all that well, and few of them have strong interactions with the pilot's protagonist.
While further development with character and story is needed to get the pilot into shape, it seems that the foundations are in place for the making of a unique and original pilot that could gather some attention. Main goals should be to punch up Tembi's personal story and have her storyline drive the narrative's direction.
A charismatic thief sees a chance for greatness when the victim of his botched robbery finds him and reveals that lightning shoots from her hand whenever they touch.
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This script is pitchable with its cute concept — a guy and a girl experience literal sparks flying between them, which sends them on an adventure that eventually ends in romance. But the way the story unfolds finds some problems in marketability, as there are several areas where this script could be much stronger conceptually, starting with the central 'sparks fly' metaphor (more on this in the Cons section).
The best advice is to go back toward this script's rom-com setup, and make what happens a lot more fun: flesh out the characters, embrace the comedy, and simplify the plot, along with a few key changes to the story.
November, 2015
Betrayed by his brother during a drug deal south of the border, an ex-con joins forces with a Mexican spitfire to seek revenge and settle an old family score.
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With meticulous visual writing, BLOOD MONEY is a solid action vehicle in the vein of the gangster flick LAWLESS and the famous action films DESPERADO and ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO. The script manages to capture all the correct beats that should be in an action movie: a tough, mysterious and uncompromising protagonist, a sexy and seductive love interest, an evil villain, and a solid plot twist half way through the script (the reveal of Hap).
With all that said, there are still some fundamental aspects in the script that require further development, such as the characterization and the overall emotional value of the script, which is unfortunately a miss since the promise of three brothers fighting each other holds a huge potential for a great conflict and drama.
In order to protect the woman he loves, A desperate man covers up a murder he mistakenly thinks she committed.
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There is a lot here that is quite impressive and quite good, and the quality of the writing overall displays evidence of a unique signature authorial voice—this particular artistic version needs to be pushed even farther in, as yet, unexplored directions.
Whether we are talking about Tarentino, the Coen Brothers or any other great current filmmakers, they are great by virtue of the fact they are standing on the shoulders of the giants that came before. It is fine and even necessary to have creative influences, but it is also important not to wear these influences too prominently on one's sleeve.
When her Mother goes missing on Black Friday, a strong-willed Teen is forced to quest into the shopping chaos with the person whose company she enjoys least – her perpetually immature and inebriated Uncle.
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MY DRUNCLE KEVIN has a very universal and engaging premise - a woman who goes out shopping on Black Friday and winds up missing. Her daughter and the woman's irresponsible, drunk brother must team up to try and find her. Eventually, they save her from some dangerous kidnappers - becoming closer in the process.
While the main idea here is solid, the execution is quite disappointing. There is very little build, and the scenes aren't terribly creative or amusing - a problem since this is a comedy. We don't embrace the leads enough, and this seems like it would be better as a short instead of a feature. Plus, the conceit could actually be used to better effect for a darker suspense/thriller.
October, 2015
Torn between the opposing forces of a New Jersey crime family and horrific PTSD-induced visions, a former Green Beret searches for answers into the disappearance of his wife and daughter.
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Of Horn and Ivory is a mind-bender of a psychological thriller that combines elements of Jacob's Ladder, Shutter Island and Angel Heart in a hallucinatory collage that is brimming with sharp writing and memorable characters. This is an extremely ambitious concept and, while a great deal of the narrative works to maximum effect, there are other elements of the story that remain confusing.
Randy had it all--a loving family, a dream job. But after a long, hard fall from grace leads to deadly consequences, he's forced to relive his life backwards. Yesterday by yesterday, Randy tries to understand where it all went wrong, and how he can possibly put things right in a world where tomorrow never comes.
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This is a winning concept for a movie with a great log line that is easy to pitch, but it is also a concept that comes with a built-in high level of difficulty from an execution standpoint. It is a premise that would stymie a lot of veteran professional screenwriters and, although this draft does not completely nail the landing, it is truly impressive how much of it does work to powerful dramatic effect.
More work to do, perhaps, but all in all the script has real promise.
Two military veterans with PTSD scan an abandoned war zone for technology that will remove their war experiences from memory. But other forces are at play...
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EXTRACTION is a somewhat dark look at a post-apocalyptic world and the threats that result from a world gone awry. While the protagonist and main supporting character have a strong foundation of their characters in the script, they aren't developed enough in the storytelling. The protagonist's goal is clear, but her need - some sort of emotional story that we really care about - is missing from this draft. In addition, the plot is too linear and doesn't have enough twists and turns, reveals and revelations along the way. In addition, the villain isn't strong enough here. He doesn't cause enough challenges and problems for the protagonist to keep the energy of the story fully engaged. With revisions there is some great potential here.
September, 2015
A struggling pro gamer reaches out to his estranged sister as he prepares for the largest fighting game tournament ever.
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Overall, the story is clear with well-delineated acts and clear main characters. It's structurally sound with three clear acts. However, with more emphasis placed on the main character's inner journey, struggles and transformation of character, less space could be devoted to the gaming world in which the story is set, drawing in a larger audience. The script is written well with a unique, heavily condensed style that moves the scenes along. Nothing is overly verbose – neither dialogue nor descriptions nor action. There is some great, clever, pithy dialogue throughout.
Guided by a dead priest, a mission janitor becomes the center of a dispute over a family fortune, leading to deception, betrayal and murder.
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Mariposa is a unique and, at times, elusive piece of writing that clearly demonstrates a singular creative vision that is brimming with atmosphere and brooding intense characters. While there is a coherent narrative through line, the story logic tends to get occluded by overly complicated structure that makes it difficult for the viewer to be drawn in with full immersion.
When an ex-child star who longs for obscurity is manipulated by her smothering mother into doing one last job, an audition for a TV reality series, they are rocketed into international stardom and all the family skeletons come dancing out the closet.
Episode Synopsis:
A formerly famous actress' efforts to give up on her career are scuppered by her over bearing mother's desire to live vicariously through her.
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'Wannabe' is chock full of original ideas and an original voice. The concept is fantastic and opens up a lot of interesting themes and ideas about the world of reality TV. The fact that the author is also English brings forth that original voice and has some great humor in it that isn't as dry as typical British humor is presumed to be. The characters are all very dynamic and represent every archetype from young to old making this show available to all demographics. There is a lot happening in this story though. Too much. Plotlines overlap and don't necessarily progress forward. It takes a lot of work for anything to really happen in the story. There is a good basis to the overall plot, but more detail needs to be worked in to make each of these original ideas shine through.
August, 2015
Thanks to an ancient gift passed down from writer to writer, an optimistic amateur and a burnt out crime novelist are transported into an unfinished story after their first date. Together they are forced to live out the narrative while trying to find a way to escape before they lose their sanity or their lives.
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BRIGHT SIDE is the kind of project that could work well going in a variety of different directions-from a more arcane and stylized independent offering in the vein of Being John Malkovich to a more mainstream rom-com with a quirky sensibility like While You Were Sleeping-and no single solution is likely to be one that will address all tastes and sensibilities.
While the script currently feels skewed towards the weird and bizarre end of the spectrum, that is also one of its pluses as it presents an original mind-bending premise, establishing its own unique voice with a fresh spin on the romantic comedy genre. Plenty of potential here.
When a curious, thrill seeker gets seduced by the Goblin fruit, her more prudent lover must risk everything in order to save her.
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Overall, GOBLIN MARKET has great bones, style and excellent suspense starting about halfway through. It feels like a traditional horror flick, reminiscent of the first 'Halloween.' GenXers will fully appreciate that, even if it happens to be unintentional. Shakespeare lovers, Ren Fair folk and Tolkien fans will be able to indulge in the goblin element and the setting, as long as the originality of visual effects is kept high.
From a concept standpoint, the idea that Goblins go from town to town with irresistible yet evil fruit is clearly original (and it is noted on the title page that it's based on an original poem), in future drafts it might make sense for there to be one primary Goblin who stands in as the antagonist in the eyes of the audience to help drive the story to its climax.
An unusual but definitely intriguing project.
A former cop tries to escape an island prison and seek revenge for the men responsible for his family's murder.
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PRIME CORTEX delves into some engaging thematics, including identity, power and family. The story's protagonist, Conn, is a bit underdeveloped in the script - we don't know what goal he has from the get-go, nor his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. But Conn is a likeable, sympathetic protagonist who we want to see succeed all the way up to the end.
The challenges in the script include an antagonist who doesn't play an important role in Conn's story until the third act. Also, the script really gains momentum and energy in the third act, but this is much too late in the game. It's when Conn becomes an unwilling subject to Strikehouse's Prime Cortex program that the narrative fully finds its footing.
A lot of potential here with further development.
July, 2015
When a depressed mother stuck in a small town realizes she's alone in her fight to help her autistic son, she must battle her husband, sister, and the prejudice of the entire town to help him.
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IT TAKES A VILLAGE is an important dramatic screenplay that has a number of strengths, including a great general premise, some powerful thematics (including motherhood/dedication and family), and a sympathetic protagonist.
In need of further development include aspects of character, story and plot, as well as the structure. Claire is an engaging character but not yet fully three-dimensional. Her story is a bit too linear. The same can be said about the script's supporting characters, including her husband Dave and sister Teddy. In addition, the plot doesn't give Claire a clear main goal that we hope and fear for through the story.
The screenplay also lacks a third act. It's not exactly clear where the second act ends (seems to be the final scene), and there is no new, larger issue that Claire has to deal with once she's got Aaron's life on track.
Despite its flaws, there is some good stuff here and a lot of potential.
Four childhood friends from Boston serve as the inspiration for a series of children's fantasy novels, but are torn apart by the murder of a close friend. Twenty years later, their adventures are all but forgotten, until the death of a loved one reunites them to face their past and unravel a mystery surrounding a series of grisly child murders.
Episode Synopsis:
Donnie Coletrain, former thug for the Irish mob, and inspiration for the fantasy book series, "Tales of the Woods," has returned home to Boston. When his Cousin's son is found murdered in the same woods as his high school girlfriend, Donnie finds himself the prime suspect. Pursued by former childhood friend, Detective Tom Kennedy, each clue Donnie uncovers to clear his name brings him into conflict with his abusive past, and its supernatural connection to "Tales of the Woods."
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THE WOODS (The Compass) establishes a good sense of atmosphere and the dialogue is pretty solid too - although slightly expository. We are interested to find out who killed the teen in the past - and the gay kid in the present.
However, the pilot doesn't really give us any completely sympathetic characters, and we are also missing enough viable suspects for the crimes. It's unclear if this could actually be sustained for an entire series, and it might be better as a two-hour feature or a mini series, with closure provided within a limited number of episodes.
A digestively challenged comic enlists the help of three friends for a coast to coast roadtrip to profess his feelings for the woman of his dreams before it's too late.
Episode Synopsis:
Upon learning of the engagement of his lifelong crush Mallory, aspiring comic Graham lays it all on the line with a bold gesture he hopes will swing the situation in his favor. When the trip hits some speedbumps, he'll need the help of his best friend Colt, the morally ambiguous Braxton, and the overwhelmed father, Paul, to keep the trip afloat.
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Although the author has a good handle on half-hour pilot formatting and proves through acerbic dialogue and some funny scenes to be capable of tackling what many would consider a vulgar topic in a bold and original way, the story itself lacks from a sense of what it is exactly, how the characters relate to one another, and what the thematic through line throughout the entirety of the series will be. The opening scene offers the only hint of what will potentially be an entire series centered on a road trip. If it is any indication, the story going forward could prove outlandish and hysterically funny, but we need to have some of that, along with some clarification regarding the story and its characters' relationships, here in this pilot.
June, 2015
A writer visits the home of his latest biographical subject, a brilliant and underrated playwright, only to befriend the man's ghost.
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This is a quirky, promising script - with two rather appealing, interesting leads. Even so, at the moment this screenplay is a bit too dialogue driven and small in scope and often reads as though it should be a stage play instead of a feature film.
Still, as it reads now, we find the writing to be pretty polished and effective throughout - and there's an undeniable poignancy to the relationship between the two men (one is living and one is actually a ghost). Although it's consummated, this ultimately becomes a true story about friendship -- and love.
A dark and humorous look into the lives of a small town Volunteer Fire Company.
Episode Synopsis:
Mickey's decision results in several people losing their heads and Henry struggles to put out the fires in the aftermath; which places Mickey in a unique situation.
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The premise is strong in Ashland - Fat Man and Little Boy. The humor that can be found amongst a volunteer fire department speaks for itself and the characters introduced have a lot of potential. Mickey, the lead character, is a relatable age for the intended audience and his rebellion is a great set up for more challenges within the series.
However, overall, the pilot fails to solve all of the problems the plot introduces, making the story incomplete. This pilot is just a piece of an entire episode, promising but still needing more to make the characters, and Ashland itself, come alive.
Thanks to a glitchy form of reincarnation--paired with an immortal, homicidal brother--Drew dies every 25 years or so... and yet lives forever with full memory of his pasts. Now he has exactly one chance to either beat his bully and marry the love of his many lives or die his final death.
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The general premise behind THE ETERNAL LIVES OF DREW is a fun one, that of eternal life not working out as smoothly and enjoyable as one would hope. The fact that Drew is looking for a way to end his curse is interesting in a story that is all about longevity. Drew's relationship with Amari is also engaging and is a constant motivation for him from one life to the next.
The plot does become rather repetitive and plateaus early on, doesn't capitalize on its potential in both plot and character. There are also aspects to the fantasy that get messy and aren't very clear. The flashbacks, while fun, too often interrupt the flow of the present day story and don't always add to Drew's emotional journey.
May, 2015
When a corrupt narcotics detective wakes up strapped to a polygraph-triggered bomb, he must navigate the web of his own deceit for one day, without telling a lie.
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Veracity is a screenplay that really demonstrates the kind of stand-out signature writing that agents and managers look for in potential new clients, and with a catchy high-concept premise that grabs the reader and pulls them in.
While the plotting tends to get a bit murky, particularly in the second act, further rewrites could easily streamline and clarify the action, and this is overall a winning submission.
Great job.
A Mini-series event on the murder of silent film director William Desmond Taylor and the glamorous cast of suspects headlining the case in the Roaring Twenties. Detective Ed King, the Sherlock Holmes of the LAPD, sets out to piece together the truth amid sex scandals, blackmail schemes, police corruption, a family cover-up and a deadly drug ring.
Episode Synopsis:
Pilot Episode of a six part Mini-series.
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The Colony is a very engaging period miniseries pilot - with an exciting, true-life, unsolved murder mystery ripped from the headlines of 1920s Hollywood. We are interested in the plot and the characters, as well as the juicy elements of sex, betrayal, violence, murder and scandal, although it may be concerning that this first episode doesn't provide many answers, only red herrings and questions.
While the lead character has potential as a tragic role, we know he's dead from the start - and the knowledge that there will never be any definitive answers could be problematic to the audience. Also, while the setting and the themes are very strong, this is a slightly frenetic and fragmented introduction to the main story and the cast.
Issues aside, it is a commendable screenplay that shows sophistication in the writing, sharp dialogue and a good sense of pacing.
Fed up with stiff regulations preventing people from getting the organs they desperately need, Dr. Andrea Sellers dives into the seedy world of the black market organ trade.
Episode Synopsis:
When a young patient with liver failure arrives at the hospital, ANDREA SELLERS does everything she can, legally, to save her but it's not enough. The girl needs a new heart and fast. Desperate, Andrea does something drastic, something there's no turning back from.
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SELLERS MARKET has a number of elements going for it, including terrific dialogue, a sympathetic and compelling protagonist, an interesting and relevant world, and a clear pathway to future episodes and seasons. While aspects of the structure aren't yet clear (that is, it's not fully clear how future episodes are going to work), there is some compelling drama here with a protagonist who has a clear goal, an intense passion that's going to drive her through future episodes and the series as a whole. Furthermore, (with development) we'll see just what kind of trouble she faces because of her desperate choices.
There are all sorts of areas this theme can explore (many that are not present in the pilot) like the politics of the issue of organ donations (state and federal), the people in the underground of organ theft and trafficking and medical ethics. The potential of topics explored is exciting.
What's missing is a solid sense of Andrea's personal life, and what personal/emotional connection she has to the issue of organ donations.
There also needs to be a better scenario where Andrea gets involved in the underground organ trafficking market.
April, 2015
A husband and wife's night of dinner and drinks turns into a night of lies, betrayal and ... murder.
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PRAYER OF THE HEADLESS MANTIS is a violent and often intense revenge/crime story that has some terrific character introductions, some conversations between characters that are full of tension and a plot that is full of twists and turns, keeping the story energized and unpredictable.
However, there aren't any serious challenges for Eliana, the story's main character and antagonist. In addition, there aren't any significant character relationships that have a chance to be explored. In addition to character/character relationship issues, too much of the dialogue is told in exposition - and not in an exposition format that is varied and made engaging. It's mostly told to us in straight forward dialogue or flashbacks. Furthermore, there isn't enough of a set-up in the first act, and the second act problem - that Elaina needs to get Theo to admit to his affairs - is accomplished at the midpoint. This leaves a second half of the script that doesn't increase the tension or problems for Eliana, and seems void of any kind of substantial third act with new problems and challenges for her.
This adult animated comedy series follows Morgan as he navigates university life and growing up, all while the workers of his internal organs learn to work together to help him tackle all aspects of life that define early adulthood.
Episode Synopsis:
Morgan is pushed to his limits as he battles pressure from his friends and his body to end a sex dry spell. Bran and Pepe vie for central influence over Morgan's decision-making.
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MORGAN'S ORGANS takes a frequent Youtube sketch premise - a character's dick talks to him and has a mind of his own - and extends that to all his internal body parts. There's an overall gentle and young tone to the script that's endearing. It's randy without being gross and there's a good sex-positive attitude throughout. However, MORGAN'S ORGANS needs to commit fully to its concept and follow the idea of organs who can lobby for themselves to the logical end. Right now, it stops short of any extremes which ends up feeling tepid instead of ground-breaking.
When a guilt-ridden husband tracks his wife's killer to Cambodia, a non-extradition country, he must negotiate a strange land, its uncooperative police force, and a ruthless gang to bring him to justice.
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The screenplay displays some exceptional writing through the first act and beginning of the second, with crisp prose and dialogue that reveals character and provides the audience with unexpected surprises within a familiar genre. However, as things progress the plotting starts to lose focus and become overly reliant on genre cliches, with too many conflicting obstacles that tend to muddy the narrative waters and diffuse Merrick's purpose. There is some real promise here, but the plotting--particularly in Act 2--needs to be reconceptualized to maintain the momentum established in the first half.
March, 2015
After his village's harvest is stolen, a bumbling young goat must redeem himself by finding and returning it. (Please read the author's notes)
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Some fun, universal themes here - and the premise is fine. But the actual plot isn't terribly complex or imaginative, and we feel as though the author could push the stakes much more here. The entire piece is awfully slight, in terms of the plot, and it doesn't quite build as it should.
Since this is an animated project, the sky's the limit - with visual elements and special effects. However, this draft plays it too safe, and we feel as though the story and the characters need a great deal more development. Also, a suggestion: why not add some original songs to this story? These would definitely enhance the entire experience.
A teen computer geek game designer with cancer, transfers to a quirky, laid back school where he can relax and enjoy his last days - only to discover that his game could cure him - if he can finish it in time.
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The screenplay presents some intriguing themes and colorful characters that put into play many of the elements needed for a high school film with potential cult appeal, but the execution never fully embraces the story's more appealing bizarre elements and, instead, falls back on convention, ending up feeling smaller and less “out-there' than its potential suggests.
Set in the post Civil War west, an embittered bounty hunter and a mining camp prostitute form an unlikely alliance to protect a deaf mute Indian boy from railroad agents who wish to barter the child for reservation land.
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The general premise behind CHILDREN OF THE SPIRIT MOON is an interesting one, set amidst the dangers of the wild west in the post Civil War years. Winslow is an engaging character, a man in crisis who has lost everything back home (his wife and daughter died from illness) and now makes his way in the world by hunting wanted criminals. Colleen is also a character in crisis, wanting to escape her life in the mining town of Irish Notch. But neither of these character's personal stories are developed that well in the screenplay, nor is their relationship that evolves into (seemingly so) a romantic one. Their chemistry isn't apparent in the story. In addition, the character's goals aren't clear and the objectives in the plot switch suddenly and randomly at the midpoint. The screenplay also lacks a strong villain, and, as a result, the story lacks real tension and suspense.
February, 2015
On a trip through Paris, a depressed man and the vampire that bit him look for a cure - as she herself is turning into a human being.
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The screenplay presents a unique and original spin on the vampire genre with the potential for a very different kind of love story with potentially tragic elements. However, various subplots and dramatic detours tend to detract focus from the central love story and, while some of these elements have the effect of enlarging the canvas of the story, they also tend to dilute the core romantic appeal.
The rescue of a baby chicken brings a tender young woman under the tutelage of a miyagi type mentor who helps her gain confidence by training roosters for cock-fighting.
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The strengths of the script include some great thematics - including relationships, purpose and home. The general concept is a good one. However, the main problem with the script (and it's a significant one) is that the protagonist (Emily) has no clear goals. As a result, the script lacks direction. The story also doesn't have any antagonist that causes Emily or Peck problems along the way. In addition, while the fundamentals of the character relationships are in place, many of them are not yet fully formed with rich and complex layers.
A socially-awkward, nerdy teenager attempts to stop his landlady - who just happens to be possessed by a wicked succubus - from enslaving the world of men.
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The script suffers from a disjointed plot that relies too heavily on individual gory scenes, and not strongly enough upon relatable characters and humorous dialogue that hits. From the start, the idea of the coffin feels weak: we are brought into the idea that it should never be opened, but then cut to Sarah randomly opening it. Before we even get a chance to connect to any of the characters beyond Cody's masturbation scene, we see Sarah transforming into a demon before our eyes. Unfortunately, we never see Sarah's perspective in the whole thing, so can't connect to how scary this change must have been for her, or what she wants other than sucking out men's souls and turning them into demons. The relationship between Brittany and Cody has the potential to be strong, particularly when you compare their scenes at the beginning and the end: we can tell that they have grown. However, the characters are weak and forgettable across the board, and because we can't connect to what any of the characters want other than needing to escape from Sarah, the story lacks legs and is not as memorable as some other raunchy comedies that do well in the marketplace, such as THE HANGOVER, which has a more complex plot and theme than this script does. The story needs more character development to get to the next level, and to prevent the story from feeling simply like an escape from Sarah.
January, 2015
A book collector stumbles across a series of diaries chronicling an alien visitation in the 18th century, leading him down a potentially dangerous path and forcing him to uncover the mystery of what really happened.
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Aliens in colonial times sounds crazy, but THE ALIEN DIARIES takes a serious, earnest approach that makes it intriguing and fascinating. Conceptually, it is a unique and original concept, with well thought out sci fi details that are thoroughly realized. We've seen aliens on screen over and over before, but putting them in a completely new setting keeps it fresh and creative.
In terms of future development, the script falls into some trouble by including two timelines instead of one. Now that the tricky mix of period and sci-fi genres has been figured out, the next step is to delve deeper into the main characters' arcs so that this script can resonate on all levels.
After losing the life he had full of food, family and friends, a young desert rat sets out on an adventure to the Colorado River that will not only change the course of the river, but forever change the landscape and future of the world he grew up in.
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DESERT RAT is a script full of ingenuity and energy, well on its way to its goal. Its strengths include a sympathetic and compelling protagonist, Duster, and some fun supporting characters with Lily and Chief. The dialogue and action descriptions of the script are visual in nature and help keep the flow of the script moving along quite well. Also strong are the principal thematics, including family, one's journey out into the world and human selfishness.
Areas in need of further development include making Duster's overall goals more clear and strong in the script, giving the story a villain who is constantly challenging Duster and Lily, and re-working the structure so that the first act gives us a better sense of Duster's needs. In addition, the script doesn't have a clear and meaningful third act - one that ties in with Duster's emotional storyline.
Two wildly incompatible older women must work together to survive after they are marooned on a deserted island.
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SURVIVING LIFE is built on a commercial concept as we focus on two older women who become stranded on a deserted island. They initially clash, but they ultimately learn to appreciate each other's strengths and wind up becoming quite close – and surviving.
Although the premise is fine (albeit not entirely original or fresh), the arcs for the characters and plot could use some more development work. The two leads aren't terribly amusing or appealing, and everything here becomes rather formulaic and predictable. Plus, the inciting incident (the two of them winding up on the island) happens around the midpoint – and it should take place much earlier in the script, and some additional twists and turns would be welcomed in a rewrite.
December, 2014
Mr. Utterson, a repressed London lawyer, attempts to protect his client and friend from a computer alter ego, until the program turns its memory power on him.
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The Proteus Effect is a very well-told story with a beautiful, dark tone and believable characters. As a modern retelling of the age–old story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it has real potential to be marketed successfully because it offers a fresh adaptation of a story we all know that is looking into the future, not the past.
The plot is well–structured and the writing is fluid and easy to understand, with a tone that is perfect for its chosen genre. Begin nitpicky (as readers can be), some improvements to the script could be to focus more of the story around Utterson's own tragedies and his desires which are hinted at, but never seized. Even so, the script is already compelling and worth consideration.
Is nothing sacred? In 827 AD, a Venetian peasant girl who just lost her mother stows away on a poorly-planned mission to steal the relics of Saint Mark from the basilica in Alexandria.
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THE RELICS takes an interesting look at events that helped propel Venice to become a city of wealth via a religious attraction that brought in people and money to the city. It is a story about how, as has happened in many cases throughout history, people have used religion to create wealth and prosperity. The historical implications of the events of the story are significant, as because (in part) of the events in this story, Venice is the city that it is today. Otherwise, it may have floundered.
The script also examines the terrible dynamic between those in positions of power – including power within the Catholic Church – and those in society the aristocrats deem worthless and unimportant. While it would have been great to see more of this thematic defined, it is sprinkled through the story and plays an important part in Sophia's complications as well as some of the challenges for the supporting characters.
The main problem in the screenplay is that it's never quite clear what Sophia's goal is. She seems to be just going along for the ride and, like us, has no idea what's going on. There is no clear objective for Sophia in the story, other than wanting to see her mother have a proper burial – and even that is lost in the story. As a result, the script lacks direction, tension and conflict.
A playwright struggles with his characters, his critics and himself over control of his protagonist's story.
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Invitation to an Execution displays some exceptional wit and intelligence and excels in the quality of the actual writing. As an homage to fantasy authors like Dick, Burroughs, Kafka and Nabokov, it accomplishes that goal as their influences can clearly be seen. However, the story currently lacks sufficient narrative constraint to rein in the surreal chaos into a cohesive and fully engaging structure.
The main problematic issue here is that the narrative has only one calibration setting–ultra weirdness–and the lack of modulation never gives the audience sufficient opportunity to recover and process to fully appreciate the journey. The narrative lacks enough forward momentum and the whimsical sensibility of some of the action undercuts any feeling of dread or foreboding that may otherwise be generated by the prospect of Stephan's impending execution date.
November, 2014
A drunk has-been and his illegal girlfriend suffer at the hands of two Wiseguys and a disgraced cop over a winning Powerball ticket they never even had.
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The script is a well-written ensemble thriller with a clear plot, strong characters, and believable dialogue. From the start, the stakes are high: we have gangsters Peter and Joe, with Joe's trigger-happy personality threatening their safety in regards to their boss, Lefty the washed-up ballplayer, Fortuna the drug-dealing girlfriend, and Forsythe the corrupt cop all vying for the same thing: a lottery ticket that promises to get each of them out of their separate miserable lives. Each character has a clear reason for needing the ticket, and because their situations are so dire, the stakes are heightened even more: Peter and Joe are facing death if they don't secure the funds, Forsythe is ostracized by the other cops, and Lefty needs to turn his life around. The characters are easy to relate to, and the plot moves forward at a nice clip, with some twists and turns that keep us entertained and on the edge of our seats.
After thirteen years in prison, an older brother shows up at his younger brother's door seeking to collect an unimaginable debt.
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SOUTHERN BLOOD is an engaging suspense thriller/drama with interesting characters who find themselves in a complicated and unpredictable situation. The script has a number of strengths going for it, including a sympathetic protagonist (Aaron) and a truly evil villain (Kyle) who is willing to do anything to get what he wants. Also strong is the flow of the screenplay, with sharp and crisp writing that keeps the energy of the story moving along, always moving forward, with increasing risks and stakes along the way. There are plot/story problems that prevent the drama and suspense of the script to work in a powerful way; that hold the story and character development back. A lot of potential here.
An alcoholic psychiatrist takes on a tortured detective in a last-ditch effort to prevent him from carrying out a deadly plan, but when she discovers something much more disturbing lurking inside of him, she must provide the best care of her career to prevent putting both their lives at risk.
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The central concept behind therapy is a good one with the potential to attract two strong dramatic actors in the lead roles. It is a dialogue intensive piece of writing that pits two skilled interrogators–one a psychiatrist and the other a former police detective–against one another in a verbal chess game that ultimately reveals the dark secret that links their two pasts. What still needs to be addressed are the mechanics of how this secret is revealed to the audience to maximize its dramatic impact.
October, 2014
The loneliness of heartbreak, fear, abuse, old age, and failure are addressed as a group of strangers come together to paint an old Vermont house for an aged widow.
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Five Kinds of Lonely is heartfelt and explores the lives of five completely different characters, intertwining their stories as each face typical problems of their particular age group. A lot of the plot hinges on the location of the story in Vermont and the small town high school track and field team, which are both rather unique and unfamiliar in most stories these days. There are great ideas and originality in the script, however as it stands now the individual character stories are not structured to agree with one another and thus much of the drama gets lost. Too much, ultimately, is forced into the story, making some of the conflict feel contrived and making problems feel superficial. If the characters' emotions were given more time to breathe and develop, if all their stories were told from start to finish with reasonable development explaining their character growth as the plot unfolds, this story would feel more whole and consistent.
An ex-con returns home to answer his sister's cry for help, but after he arrives a horrible flood traps him with two killers using the storm to hide their crimes.
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Snuff is a pretty dark and bleak thriller whose basic premise has potential, combining elements of survival (the flood plotline) as well as crime (the snuff film plotline). There are some good visual moments throughout, from the horrific flood to the very explicit, disgusting snuff films. The big question is whether these disparate aspects belong in the same screenplay, as written it almost feels as though we are in a totally different movie after the first act, which detracted from the overall cohesiveness of the story. The protagonist's motivation, wanting justice for his dead sister, is strong, identifiable and credible, which is a positive, but even so the story ends up veering off that path as it shifts to the more general story involving female hostages and snuff films. If the author can figure out how to make the snuff films and victims feel more connected to the flood, the script will begin to feel like a fluid story instead of two plot ideas that have been forced together.
The classic literary monsters of Hollywood plan to make their comeback, except this time, by making movies about themselves on their own. The monsters soon learn starting from the bottom in the film industry is never easy, especially when you're not human.
Episode Synopsis:
The Count and his group arrive in Hollywood, and seek out a producer to hear their pitch.
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Monsters of Hollywood is a half hour sitcom pilot that combines some of the more comedic elements of vampire and mythical creatures with a fun nod to modernity, but it currently lacks needed character depth and plot focus. From a high level perspective, on the plus side, misunderstood movie monsters descending on Hollywood in an attempt to change the way they are perceived does have potential. Some of the dialogue is fun, the Van Helsing character is a great addition, and Vlad's delusional personality creates a fun opportunity for comedic relief. However, as the script stands now, it is missing a simple, easy to follow plot, a clear series setup and sufficient character development and backstory to invest us in the characters (needed even in a comedy), issues that will create roadblocks to its commercial prospects.
September, 2014
When a small town police detective mourning the death of his wife fishes a woman with amnesia out of Lake Superior, he discovers they're linked to a tragic turn-of-the-century romance replaying itself in the present day.

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Split Rock Light is an interesting combination of romance, mystery, and magical realism that captures us with its intricate subject matter and interesting character portrayal. The author sets us up with conflict right from the start, with Chloe's fear for her mother in the middle of the night, and Elias losing her to the depths of the lake. There is just enough shown to keep us guessing, and the idea to only show snippets of Jenny's death makes it all the more emotionally compelling.
The script is well-structured, the concept is interesting, and could lend itself nicely to a low-budget indie film. The roles are complex enough that they could attract character actors, and the setting lends itself nicely to a low production cost. In addition, the themes of loss, rebirth, regret and sorrow are all nicely developed, and we can clearly understand what the author is trying to tell us within each of the characters' stories.
A gambler wins millions on a crazy bet, yet is unable to tell anyone. Instead, he resolves to secretly use the money to improve the lives of those closest to him, and win back the love of his long-suffering wife.
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Breaking the Chain is an engaging dramedy that explores the life of a man on the edge – desperately in need of a change - or he will face a life filled with loneliness and restriction. The general storyline and plot are a lot of fun, filled with likeable characters each with their own hopes and dreams.
One of the script's strengths is that the story's protagonist, Steve, is a sympathetic character who we like and care about from the get go. There is still more work to be done, however, mainly because the protagonist's main goal in the second act isn't clear. Furthermore, we don't get a strong sense of Steve's status quo in act one, nor is there a clear third act. As a result, he's not tested enough and we lose some of his definition as a character.
Still, it is always exciting seeing people down on their luck and in their lives, then win a lot of money and see how they use it. The win represents a second chance for Steve, and we hope and fear for Steve that he will do the right thing, make the best decisions.
A devoted family man's life is destroyed following the disappearance of a seductive young nanny.
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Marsh Majesty is a pretty straight-forward suspense/crime picture about a family man whose life is ruined – shortly after he hires a sexy nanny to take care of his little girl Natalie (who has Down's Syndrome). London vanishes, and is soon presumed dead, and Brooks becomes the prime suspect in her murder.
On the plus side, the script never really drags too much – and we do find Brooks to be an appealing lead. In addition, Janelle, Brooks' sister, is also a good character. She's a lawyer, and she tries her best to defend Brooks – but she winds up encouraging him to accept a plea deal, since she knows they can't win their case. The plot, in general, is also mostly fine and credible.
The primary issue the script faces is that it is simply not at all difficult for us to predict. Truth be told, we are pretty far ahead of these characters and the rather obvious, generic plot almost the entire time. Everything is a bit too familiar, and we wish that there were some better surprises and twists throughout the entire piece.
August, 2014
A woman who was kept in a cage as a child is rehabilitated by her kindhearted uncle and given the chance to live a normal life on her own, but she soon meets a mysterious yet magnetic man that threatens to undo her progress.
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Double jeopardy is definitely evident in the final round in this intense psychological thriller. The personal experiences of the characters are believable, bringing life into the characters themselves. Characterization is very strong as the characters have defining differences and habits that are consistent throughout the film, bridging the young characters to their older counterparts. In the current film market, this script has a lot of potential because it is horror, it is low-budget, and it confronts an issue that impacts a lot of people in the world on a global scale. Child abuse is compelling, heart-breaking and an audience will draw immediate sympathy to the two lead characters.
"Freaks & Geeks" meets "Monsters University" meets Human Biology. At Organville, a top-notch school for organs learning how to run the humans they'll one day inhabit, a group of remedial organs with no coordination are teamed up together to learn how to better operate and protect their future human. PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR NOTES BEFORE REVIEWING.
Episode Synopsis:
A new class of organ students are provided their organ groupings before they are to participate in their first real test.
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Overall, as a somewhat edgy animated pilot anthropomorphizing human organs, this script has good potential to get some interest, with a great deal of opportunity for future episodic storylines. Let's face it, we all have personal relationships to our biological organs which range from the false to the ridiculous to the heroic. Most importantly, bathroom humor and sexual humor never go out of style, if used correctly and targeted to the right audience. Going back and learning about each character and why they are who they are is a style that has taken off on television lately and this script delivers enough character flaws leading up to those opportunities to fill an ocean, all with humor and the opportunity to deliver empathy and humanity in an adorable way, to boot.
An adopted orphan with no memory of her original family reunites with her troubled older sister after twenty years.
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The basic premise here, that two long-lost sisters (Aubrey and Penny) are reunited after 20 years being apart, is actually quite good. There would seem to be a plethora of dramatic possibilities connected to this central idea. The setup of the story, one that makes us curious to see what kind of relationship the sisters will form after so many years, is perhaps the strongest part of the screenplay, and there are many touching moments between them - especially near the end as they work hard to get over all their past troubles and try to understand each other better. With that said, the script as written is somewhat maudlin and talky, with the audience too far ahead of the characters most of the time, waiting for the characters to learn basic facts that we already know. While it feels a bit more like a play than a feature film at the moment, if the author were to expand the scope a bit, possibly using occasional flashbacks to dramatize Penny's turbulent past, it would beef up the story and help the audience root for her and her sister to triumph.
July, 2014
The true story of Henry Berry Lowrie, a Native American cross between Jesse James and Robin Hood, who becomes a folk hero leading a small band of disenfranchised ex-slaves, Native Americans, and Scotch farmers against the rising Klan in post-Civil War North Carolina.
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The Lowrie Gang has incredible promise and many elements are working extremely well. There is an obvious respect for the subject matter and the main characters on the Lowrie side. The romance between Henry Berry and Rhoda is strong. The setting/environment of the overall script is also strong and tangible – the woods and swamps of North Carolina, the impoverished homesteads and cabins, the wartorn feeling we get is there. The chronological trajectory of the story works and I feel there is no need to stray from that in the case of this already interesting story with its own mysterious twists and turns which you obviously work with and appreciate.
I commit these sins in the name of Stalin, Love and Family.
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STEEL SCORPION is an incredibly unique take on the spy thriller/historical drama genres. It blends elements of war, adventure and espionage with themes of romance, faith and regret. The globetrotting nature of Tobal's journey and the ever present menace of Stalin's purges help give a historical scale to what is actually a very relatable story of love, revenge and jealousy. If Steel Scorpion could successfully humanize a member of Stalin's secret police and find a way to get audiences to root for him, it would be a great accomplishment in storytelling.
Former slaves volunteer to return and spy on the Southern war machine. Fifty years later, one spy recounts on whether it was worth it.
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UNLIKELY SPIES is a harrowing account of a spy network of black Americans who, during the Civil War, provided critical intelligence to the Union Army. The story is led by an engaging and three-dimensional protagonist, John Scobell, who participates in a series of dangerous and complex spy missions that test his character and help to define the kind of man he is. While the transitions into the flashbacks could use voice over narration to take us back in time, the writer does a good job alternating between the 1860s storyline and the 1911 storyline. Also strong is the screenplay's dialogue, which not only helps to define the characters, but works to push the dramatic narrative along.
June, 2014
A hardened survivor joins a determined father for a journey across the post-apocalyptic American West filled with natural hazards, herds of bloaters, and the brutal remnants of humanity.
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Good man versus nature (twisted nature) setup here, with the payoff being that even in these extreme circumstances, human nature is still our biggest threat. It's handled reasonably well, if not in scope, then in action, though it treads very popular ground.
The simplicity of the wide open countryside after a zombie apocalypse isn't something we've really seen on screen before and it could be very cinematic. Throw in a couple of desperate travelers who don't know each other, forced to work together and it has all the cohesive pieces of a movie.
Another pass that turns Hudson and Clint's early back and forth into more conflict filled and goal oriented action may keep the first half moving and more fully inform their later actions as they find themselves relying on each other more and more.
In an ancient warring land, the champions of the Dragon God keep the peace through duels to the death, but when a bloody prophecy tears a sacred guardian between revenge and duty, his choices can change the fate of the world and unleash the all out war he was bound to prevent.
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Fantasy is always a hard sell because the writer has to cultivate a whole new world with a whole new set of laws with which the characters must navigate. Storm Dragons managed to do just that, very smoothly weaving in new details about the storm dragon world and those who inhabit it.
However, the story itself is not able to communicate emotional impact well, putting most of the emotion into the fight sequences, which were many. Overall, the marketability of this film may be limited because it features a lot of fantasy and is a true action film, but there is not much to be marketed for anyone who isn't a fan of either genre.
So, while the setting is beautiful, the story itself is not broad enough, never investigating all aspects of its characters or its themes.
A dramedy. Wanting something long lost, Henry gives in to his self-possessed ex-wife so often, he's not only losing his daughter, he could lose what he just won, the love of his life..
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JOY is difficult to get behind for a couple of reasons. Many consider movies about movies to be too insidery. While that's a sentiment I don't agree with (see THE PLAYER), they do need to walk a fine line between verisimilitude and widespread appeal. Unfortunately, JOY doesn't walk that line because it's neither truthful nor universal enough to pull in an audience.
Much of this comes down to the characters, but the sagging structure and lack of propulsion also play a big part. Small dramas need an interesting hook to pull in audiences. JOY doesn't have one. Even for an independent film, that's simply not enough to put butts in seats. While there is some snappy dialogue, it doesn't have fuel behind it.
May, 2014
A Spartan must compete in the Olympiad's deadly Pankration event in order to redeem his family's lost honor.
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Setting a sports story in Ancient Greece is a strong concept with a lot of marketing potential. One could easily imagine this script appealing to the same audience for the 300 movies. Additionally, PAN KRATOS is clearly well–researched and the writer comes across as an expert in wrestling and weapon–free combat. However, the fighting scenes start to get repetitive as the script drags out. As the stages to victory are stretched out, the script loses momentum. Every sequence could use pruning, but the action seems to stand still when we reach the Olympics where the writer's efforts to be historically accurate begins to get in the way of the narrative. If the characters were more complex, especially the villains, this could help hold the audiences' interest when the novelty of Pankration competition wears off.
On his eighteenth birthday, and against his mother's wishes, Terrence meets his father for the first time - in the state penitentiary where he has been for exactly eighteen years.
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This thought–provoking but ultimately disappointing effort delivers an intriguing but mildly underperforming cast of characters and an initially sexy though mildly heavy–handed story that needs more humor and unpredictability to realize its full potential.
This initially sexy, personal story delivers a very strong first act, but needs to spike its leads with more humor and charm and a less obvious supporting cast to strengthen its often predictable final 80 pages to it make a more memorable possibility for actors and directors looking for strong indie project.
When a young woman returns to her home town after a 10-year absence many things have changed, including her mental state. Then, the universe opens up to give her a new chance. Will she stay with her current life and husband or jump through a worm hole to redefine her destiny?
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ALTERED is a science–fiction thriller that explores the themes of regret and self-reliance. THE FIRM meets LOOPER.
The concept of the piece is compelling once it is fully established. However there are many confusing points for the reader, both in terms of character and story. The first 40–or–so pages are difficult to read, as the writer does not clearly set up the rules of the universe(s) occupied. The story picks up around page 60, and the last 40 pages are a breeze. There are some solid moments peppered throughout the screenplay, including the romance between the two main characters, and the main characters' emotional growth throughout. With revisions, ALTERED could be a thoroughly entertaining read.
April, 2014
After being the victim of crime one too many times, a disgruntled office worker plans to unleash his frustrations on unsuspecting thieves he lures into his home.
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Somewhere Between Good and Evil is a stunning mix between Law Abiding Citizen and Office Space.
The script is a compelling thriller that offers a sharp treatise on survival in the modern, corporate world. The writer nimbly explores this cumbersome topic, while delivering a story that is clean and concise. Furthermore, the script has a great balance of dialogue, action, suspense, sexual tension, and depth of content. While improvements can be made, the script is a thought-provoking case study on a blossoming concern in the modern world.
The concept is the highlight of the script. The writer obviously put a lot of time and attention into making a profound case study on humanity, structured with subtle philosophical notes, without being heavy-handed. While it is felt that the writer should work on creating a stronger bridge between the Protagonist's difficulties and his ‘necessity' of exacting his revenge by trapping and torturing thieves, the characters represent the human spectrum well and the fast paced action scenes help lighten the heavy subject matter.
Noted author and educator Mouloud Feraoun keeps a journal and tries to continue his teaching career at the center of the vicious Algerian war of independence.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
THE POOR MAN'S SON is a sweeping period piece that follows the real-life experiences of Mouloud Feraoun, an Algerian writer living in the middle of the Algerian struggle for independence from French colonialism. Technically, the screenplay is cleanly written and does a good job touching on the thematic struggles of native Algerians against their French colonists. The dialogue moves the story forward and the writing does a good job including a variety of perspectives that provide a pretty holistic depiction of the Algerian struggle for independence.
However, the screenplay as written lacks a central, focused conflict, which ultimately deflates the sense of overall drama. Feraoun is clearly the main character who we are following and experiencing the events with, yet throughout the screenplay it is never entirely clear how exactly he feels about the violence and the two sides in which he is clearly stuck between. Thus, even though there is a clear foundation and thematic thru line that has a lot of inherent drama, added to the fact that the Algerian struggle for independence is a profoundly interesting time in history, this screenplay currently lacks specific concrete details that would make Feraoun's story come to life.
Rex, an easy going white trash redneck, must save the girl he loves and his trailer park family from the gruesome Doggy Style Killer.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Every great horror script, even the comedic ones, is a mystery, and ultimately the mystery should lead us to the identity and motivation of the killer. Unfortunately for Rex & the Doggie Style Killer, which has a very strong beginning, the identity of the killer is revealed so soon that the story flat lines due to a lack of mystery or suspense.
The script does have its strong elements: the setting and world of Panama City, FL at spring break is a great premise for a horror script and there's a strong sense of pace and forward momentum. It is also refreshing to see a comedy that's perfectly willing to fill the screen with exposed flesh and buckets of blood, in the name of cheap but legitimate laughs. Horror/dark comedy is always hard, but this one has moments that show a lot of potential in terms of nailing the tone.
However, while this script could be made cheaply, and the horror audience will always be there, without a more defined killer or central protagonist, this script as written ends feels a bit too much like another pointless slash and burn comedic horror film.
March, 2014
When a female detective on the trail of a serial killer ID's one of the adult victims with an eight year old girl who's still alive, she theorizes the killer might be from the future and dumping victims in the present. (What if you knew who would become the next Jack the Ripper?)
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, The Red Angel is a rousing science fiction/crime tale with a dose of hard-hitting drama. It takes an edgy approach that denies Hollywood's penchant for formula, and is a smart script that, for the most part, was crafted with care and an attention to detail. Time travel is a fantasy concept and, as such, is subject only to the rules imposed upon it by a writer. And this script is buoyed by the fact that it doesn't resort to twists that have become so commonplace in the genre that are not exciting. It keeps the time travel element on the periphery as a catalyst to the plot, which is to its benefit.
While the script could do a better job providing clarification on how, in this contemporary setting, time travel could be plausible in only thirty years time, the screenplay is clever and intelligent; it piqued my interest and kept me involved. The characters are well-rounded and powerfully portrayed. There's plenty of action and suspense, and even a little humor and romance mixed in. It offers some some profoundly disturbing questions that have no easy answers. I'm reminded of the time travel hypothetical: If you could travel to 1889 and stand by a crib containing the infant Adolf Hitler, could you strangle the baby?
Jolly Greensleeves, a stimulation specialist at the reindeer stables with dreams of making a difference, is given the chance of a lifetime when appointed to the Santa Secret Service(SSS), but will his enthusiasm and perseverance be enough to protect Santa and his sexy daughter from the murdering mastermind bent on the destruction of Christmas?
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The Sixtieth Santa is a wonderfully strange mix between Die Hard, Elf, and The Santa Clause.
First and foremost, it must be noted, The Sixtieth Santa has a solid story-line in a way that the fantastical creative flagrancies could be stripped and the plot would still be interesting. In addition to a strong story, the garish North Pole decorative pieces transport the reader to a new vision of Santa's headquarters, which makes the read rich and full of life.
Overall, The Sixtieth Santa is a very creative, fun, and refreshing rendition on an overdone story that a lot of people over the legal age would very much enjoy. The writer should definitely try to pitch this story to Seth Green and the lovely people who make Robot Chicken.
A young girl races across the world collecting, battling, and training magical cats.
MEOW MEOW MAGIC is light-hearted, animated adventure for children following TRUE PURRFECT, a young girl destined to become village charmer and compete in the Magi-cat games. It's a tough road ahead, but with the help of COOKIE, her magical cookie conjuring cat, she'll battle strange and adorable cats and prove herself a true hero.
Episode Synopsis:
After being chosen as village Charmer, twelve-year-old TRUE PURRFECT sets out on a quest to train and battle Magi-cats (magical cats). With the help of her cookie conjuring cat, COOKIE CAT, she faces her first challenge as a charmer, trying to capture a gargantuan cat, HOUSE CAT, stampeding through the village and wrecking everything.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
MEOW MEOW Magic is a solidly constructed pilot that demonstrates the writers' ability to create a fun, child-friendly story in a fun world. The pilot is an homage to the capture-pet cartoons like Pokemon and Digimon that erupted in worldwide popularity.
The writing is clean, well-paced and speaks in a voice that is fun and clearly in the genre. The writers hit the tone of the characters and the sense of humor right on the head. However, this pilot feels more like a spec of an episode of Pokemon as opposed to being its own pilot for a new standalone series.
Overall, this is a solidly entertaining and fun-for-kids sample of the writing talent at hand, but in its current form MEOW MEOW MAGIC feels far too similar to Pokemon in structure and concept to be considered simply homage. It's one thing to play on a structure premise that is similar, but the world-building needs to feel new and exciting, which this pilot fails to do.
February, 2014
This gothic Western tells the tale of four brothers who kill to possess Moon, a baby girl, only to have her grow up and uncover their violent secret and her true origin.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall this script is an ambitious yet unsatisfying tale. There are some imaginative elements here but they're not integrated into the narrative with enough depth, creativity, or strong moments...this script has all the raw materials for an interesting movie however the commercial potential of an inward looking western drama does not portend to do well at the box office. By placing this in a similar setting thematically, such as modern day Appalachia, or another rural, isolated setting would open up the possibility of making this story appealing to a wider audience.
Looking for her happily-ever-after, a suicidal librarian romantically pursues a detective, only to find herself the suspect of his murder investigation.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall the story needs to cut some time spent with extraneous characters and focus on the arcs of the characters that will drive the plot. The genre needs to be decided upon, and the themes brought to the surface through the plot. If Love Me Dead is going to be a marketable film then it must be easy to follow and must set a clear context for the audience from the beginning. Looking at films like Monster, Fatal Attraction, and The Tenant might help to see how masters have used their genre to tell fascinating stories about characters on the edge of sanity while maintaining a strong balance of sympathy for their protagonists.
A private investigator is hired to find a famous mystery writer who disappeared in an old abandoned Nevada town. With her estranged husband in tow, they encounter murderers, treachery, snakes, bullets, even ghosts. (Intended as a movie for television. Please see Notes)
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, MURDER AT RATTLESNAKE SPRINGS has some interesting pieces worth developing, but doesn't possess the mystery, drama or compelling romance to carry an entire film...The opening act promises some interesting mystery, but it takes a bit too long to get into the heart of the mystery—we have to presume that Jenny's disappearance is ill-intentioned, but there is never a clear clue as to what the tone of this disappearance is. There needs to be stronger choices made in the opening act to set the tone and what exactly is at stake...Overall, the writing is pretty clean and tight in terms of language, but the dramatic choices for plot need to be much stronger and more adventurous.
January, 2014
The rise of Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon, and others from students to sidekicks to superheroes in the Batman universe.
Episode Synopsis:
Dick Grayson, an acrobat during the summer with his parents, begins school at Crestwood Academy, an elite private school just down the road from the shuttered and mysterious Wayne Manor. A scholarship student, he is quickly labeled "the circus boy" and is publicly humiliated by the school jock. Offered the chance to get even, Dick gets into an unexpectedly dangerous situation that ultimately puts him on a collision course with destiny.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, Gotham Nights was a great read. The story aligns very well with the original DC Comics character, Red Robin/Dick Grayson, created by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, which is crucial in drawing in, and maintaining, a base of die-hard fans. Furthermore, since DC Comics is currently trying to exploit their less-known characters, such as The Green Arrow and Wonder Woman, an origin story about Red Robin definitely fits into their current model.
Although the story could be splayed out and more detail given to some characters, the initial product is intriguing and would definitely draw an audience into a series.
Slaveholder Edmund Ruffin fights to prevent his way of life from becoming obsolete.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, this script has all the necessary elements for a compelling movie. This colorful and complex character has not been dramatized yet and seems like a character perfect for a cinematic adaptation. The research is top notch, the writer clearly knows this period and has done his homework on the subject matter. The attention to detail gives the script an air of authenticity.
However, the script would benefit from more dramatic tension. As of now the plot largely plays out as a straightforward biopic but Ruffin needs a more convincing character arc in order to engage an audience. His mission and goals are clear but we need to see more of the emotional journey that he takes along the way. Steps should be taken to expand the story beyond the historical facts and show us why this story and this character should still resonate with us today.
When an ex-stripper tries to leave her family's drug business, her efforts are thwarted by both the cartel and a rich developer's son who falls in love with her. Love is tragic.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
ACQUIRED TASTE FOR BROOKLYN is a romance that attempts to develop a star-crossed romance between two characters that have race and class working against them. The plot develops a relatively simple conflict about real-estate and manages to involve drug cartel violence and kidnapping. In tone, the story aims to be a light, steamy drama with bits of action.
Overall, the writer has some strong suits with developing visceral main characters who speak from a clear perspective on life. However, the story falls into a patterns of making unearned plot choices that contradict initial character development that convolutes rather than heightens emotional conflicts.
December, 2013
When a Jewish mother who helps smuggle children out of the Warsaw Ghetto during WWII runs into a resistant mother, she kidnaps the woman's child in order to smuggle him out.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Warsaw was a really great script to read. The structure was sound and the overall flow of the piece made the material easy to grasp. Furthermore, the content was new, interesting and informative about a particular part of history that I was not aware happened. Normally, Holocaust stories depict Jews as helpless in the grasp of Hitler's Germany, but this story showed that they did fight back (physically, spiritually, etc.); similarly, I thought the use of women as the protagonists was a great way to show how women were/are not helpless side characters to masculine roles, as well as, how the lives of women were affected during this period.
An ex-con who manipulates the lucrative trading card market finds his livelihood threatened by a new con-artist as a blackmailing foe seeks revenge for a murder he committed in prison.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
SEEKER is a screenplay that has some solid potential, but generally fails to come together in the final act. The writing does a fairly convincing job establishing a dark tone and telling a story about a cast of down-and-out characters. Mainly with Cage, his life has little meaning with the exception of his son and his utterly loyal girlfriend. The main characters are sympathetic as it seems like an endless series of unfortunate events unfolds. The writing has a definitive voice with prose and dialogue, but it ultimately doesn't come together for a satisfying story.
Jeff takes on a desperate journey to find his daughter in the aftermath of a flood, but when the search uncovers a scheme to take control of what's left of the town through coercion and murder, Jeff must choose between his daughter and putting an end to those responsible for countless acts of violence.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
At the end of the day Eye Needles does not quite have enough fully fleshed out characters or complete plot at this stage of development. The initial premise is intriguing and could be the basis for a taught thriller; however, as it stands the characters have not been developed enough where their actions and motivations are believable in the current narrative. Descriptions are usually evocative and set up the atmosphere of the settings well, however sometimes they can run too long, the writer should consider trimming down where possible. If steps are taken to implement a more complete arc for the protagonist and tighten the plot then this has the potential to be an engaging thriller.
November, 2013
On a visit to pre-WW2 Germany, a young Englishman's fate becomes entwined with a local Jewish girl and Nazi Deputy Führer Rudolf Hess; whose wartime peacemaking flight leads to an ill-fated crash landing in Scotland.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Most of this script works very well, however the period setting of a character drama with no real romantic prospects makes this an iffy prospect in terms of box office viability. Much of the success of this being produced would hinge on the level of talent that can be attached to the cast. If the script continues to develop the central characters more fully then the audience can more clearly see how Harry is drawn in by Hess' charisma and in turn the audience can then see Hess as a character that is equally capable of inspiring great love and great terror. The story touches on some harrowing subject matter, mainly involving Nazi mistreatment of Jews, so this isn't a project that is for everyone, but for those who can stomach its brutality it offers a compelling look into how friendships can be forged amongst the most disparate people.
Get a career. Get a boyfriend. Get a life.
A youthful twenty-nine year old with no career aspirations and whose only friends are the characters from the stories she writes, is entered into a reality competition by her sister to find love.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Grow Up Beth is a mix between Bridget Jones's Diary and Hannah Horvath from Girls.
Grow Up Beth is very well-written, with developed characters, and a straight-forward structure that makes it very clear and easy to read, which is refreshing. While the script is technically well-written, my main concern is that it is a one-quadrant film, towards an older female market.
Also, the script so strongly resembles Bridget Jones's Diary that I do not currently see a place in the market for a film like Grow Up Beth. The script could be dramatically improved if more twists, original events, and dynamic character traits were included that would differentiate it from the Bridget Jones series and make it more approachable for a younger audience. Expanding the appeal to younger men and women would make the script more marketable.
Twelve Steps To Paradise - A human-hating angel is sent to earth to undergo sensitivity training in the form of a cryptic twelve step program before he's allowed to return.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
TWELVE STEPS TO HEAVEN is a really interesting premise for a pilot. There is an instant amusing hook to the idea that an angel in the army of Heaven struggles with his disgust of humans and is consequently banished back to earth for “sensitivity training.' However, at first glance, it's hard to tell if this idea can really live through an entire season. There is a lot of potential to develop Rygar into a curmudgeonly, yet amusing lead character. This would make the show much more character-driven, but the writing never quite delivers the necessary details or personality.
October, 2013
The line between right and wrong is blurred when a woman of faith kidnaps the neglected child of a heroin addict.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
GOOD INTENTIONS is a screenplay worth fixing. There is a rich cast of characters written with a clear sense of identity and point of view. The main conflict between the two mothers who struggle with their respective burdens is compelling and written from an earnest, heartfelt perspective. Overall, this story touches on some interesting moral questions and pits the main characters into engaging moral compromises. The structure could use some tweaking in the first and second acts in order to streamline some of the plot development and earn some of the final moments more, but there is some solid potential to work with in the writers' voices. The dialogue is solidly-written and the characters speak from distinct personalities. The screenplay has a definitely religious morality that it speaks from, but attempts to approach it subtly with some success. The plot is an engaging storyline and the characters are richly human and flawed.
Set in an alternate reality in which Communist Russia won the Cold War by invading North America in 1953, "Downfall" is the story of four young men who come of age in Los Angeles, the ghetto of the Soviet Republics. The choices they make will slowly but surely turn close friends into enemies. {See author's notes before choosing!}
Episode Synopsis:
After a petty robbery goes bad and ends with the murder of two KGB officers, four young men are faced with tough choices that could change everything for their futures.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Downfall is a pilot with inherent commercial potential, with the possibility of further added value if the premise is better explained and explored. The series could play well on either pay-format (broadcast or web) or, in a less explicit form, as an 'intense' network television series, albeit one that may ultimately move in a somewhat different story direction. With further work addressing the points outlined below, the script could serve as a promising spec and writing sample, and teases an intriguing story to come.
A medically retired explosives expert salvages a lost nuclear bomb while fighting Black-Ops terrorist off the coast of Florida.
"Die Hard"-at-Sea.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, the script delivers what it promises, a high octane action thriller brimming with smuggling, revenge, and betrayal. While conceptually this is a very strong and intriguing premise it needs to tighten the plotting and further develop the main character so that he undergoes a clear and convincing character arc. It is engaging and entertaining but with more defined characters the various comeuppances that occur at the end of the story will have a more full bodied satisfaction for the audience. While the script has a lot of style and plenty of sex and violence, it ultimately has too little tension in the plot to be memorable. That's not necessarily a damning statement in the modern marketplace, but it's a big stumbling block in terms of attracting the talent that would elevate this to a theatrical release.
September, 2013
A simple mistake in the theft of the classical painting Masscre of the Innocents, by Peter Paul Rubens, sets off a violent chain of events where the guilty nor innocent are spared.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, this project works equally well as a violent comedy or a testosterone-fueled action film. The writer finds humor in all sorts of grotesque situations - some viewers will probably be discomfited by the realization that they're laughing at such gruesome material.
At the end of the day Massacre of the Innocents has plenty of laughs and a few surprises to offer to all but the most squeamish of viewers. It's a sound thriller made with the guts and gusto that too many recycled entries into the genre fail to exhibit. With some tightening of the plot and a little more character development it can stand out as a good, if not great, crime thriller.
This is my potential follow-up spec for the Nickelodeon Fellowship Program. I warn you, it's been written rather hastily as my deadline is September 4th. I basically just filled-out a Portlanida spec I started a while back. Some of you might recognize parts of my sitcom "Parkers" (which began life as a Portlandia spec) and a sketch called "Our First Fight."
Just looking for general first impressions.
Episode Synopsis:
The lives of Fred and Carrie are turned upside down when a customer asks them to watch her stuff for a minute. Sketches include "Our Fight Fight" and "Take Your Dealer to Work Day."
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
As a spec script for a half-hour series that is part sitcom and part sketch comedy, Stuff Watchers is a very worthy effort that shows both the author's creativity in devising fun but silly situations as well as in effectively matching the banter and flow of a typical Portlandia episode. In addition, the A-Story and the interweaved sketches are laid out in a way that shows the author has a firm grasp on the loose structure the show utilizes, one that keeps the audience watching as the story ping pongs between the main story and the various sketch interludes without losing interest. While for me not all of the sketches were home runs (more on that below), the top-notch opening teaser as well as the comedic nature of the main stuff-watcher story, along with the author's creativity on display with “take your dealer to work day' were more than enough to get me through the parts that were a bit lower on the laugh-scale.
When a Delta Force operative wakes up on the street to find that his heart no longer beats, he sets out to find the people responsible for his condition before his new powers tear him apart.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The screenplay is a solidly constructed action flick. There is plenty of action and the premise is pretty intriguing. Similar in tone to THE BOURNE IDENTITY with the amnesia-ed super-soldier gone rogue, the action ultimately executes more along the lines of GI-JOE with over-the-top, super human, leaping combat. The screenplay has a strong, energetic pace that consistently sprinkles action sequences throughout the story. The plot has an interesting twist at the end with Rayne's revelation, but there are definite improvements that could be made with the character development. There are some gaping logical questions that the story tries to gloss over, but things like why Hound has a mind of his own and who Lion is are pretty important details that would really strengthen the story.
August, 2013
Dangerous abilities.
Episode Synopsis:
After a
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Overall, this teleplay is off to a great start. However, the plot itself needs to be further developed, especially in terms of developing Roger's character better so the twist in his arc is not so out of left field. The character driven story is encouraging as sustaining a television series just on the element of a mutant outbreak is untenable. While the story is compelling, engaging, and entertaining, the script's biggest challenge it has will be attracting a strong enough following without the pre-awareness of a popular source material.
Teenage Oracle: Pilot Episode - Of Things Lost and Gained
by Former Resident
Drama, 50 pages
Fantasy, Mystery
A teenage girl is possessed by an unknown entity, and begins making prophecies.
Episode Synopsis:
After her parents are killed in a car crash, Carmen is taken in by her biological father, Rodney, who has barely spoken to her in the last fifteen years. As Rodney fights with his wife, about letting Carmen live with them, Carmen goes into a trancelike state, and begins a long trek along the highway. Protected by her family, social workers and police, she arrives in the desert, and sits, still in a trancelike state.
But when they attempt to remove her, she makes a prophecy with immediate consequences. More unexplained phenomenon happen, and soon everyone is at a loss to explain how Carmen is doing what she is doing? Is it an incredibly elaborate hoax, or is there something going on beyond the realm of human understanding.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Teenage Oracle is a mix between True Blood and Goosebumps.
Teenage Oracle is a great first draft of a sci-fi drama. The unique content and diverse cast gives the script a great edge with regards to marketability. However, the story and cast must be developed more in order that these elements can really shine. Furthermore, a major issue that currently presents itself is the efficacy of the script to mature serially. The powers of the oracle need to be delved into more and expanded, the relationships between the characters have to be strengthened, and a singular perspective must be made more prominent – all of these elements would give the script more polish and allow for potential growth into a serial drama.
A promiscuous alcoholic woman, caught in a self-destructive spiral, is forced to face her demons when she is confronted with her dark past, her deep fear of intimacy and an unplanned pregnancy.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The Art of Dying Daily is a script that, despite its qualities, has limited potential in the commercial realm thanks to its subject matter and characterization. The script could play well as an indie drama, but would need to embrace a more positive and life-affirming conclusion to find audiences. Because the narrative lacks direction or escalating stakes, the story feels flat and lacks the drama it should possess. To improve the script and realize its potential as an exploration of addiction and personal struggle, more emphasis should be placed on the efforts the characters make to escape their situation, and the characters themselves should be carefully rethought to provide each with likable qualities that will make readers want to see them succeed.
July, 2013
A tormented painter escapes through his art to an alternative world where he falls in love with a mysterious woman. Their passion sets him free but with deadly consequences in the real world.
Coverage Coming Soon
A half-hour 'strip-com' designed for the internet or pay cable. (See Author's Notes)
Episode Synopsis:
Dodd and Ollie think they've hit the jackpot when they inherit a strip club, but they soon find out it just might be the worst place on earth.
Coverage Coming Soon
A wedding photographer and his ghost friend help a paranormal investigation outfit solve petty mysteries.
Episode Synopsis:
A skeptic accompanies his girlfriend on a paranormal investigation, when a ghost follows him home.
Coverage Coming Soon
June, 2013
When his morally bankrupt son returns home from the Army, an apathetic small town Deputy is forced to face the consequences of his ethical compromises and take a stand against a local criminal kingpin. { PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTES BEFORE SELECTING }
Coverage Coming Soon
Desperate to stop a vengeful spirit from terrorizing him, a phobia-addled young man starts a support group for ghosts addicted to haunting.
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In a future world ravaged by flood and plague, a boy and a girl from enemy clans defy their leaders in an attempt to stop the religious war between their people.
Coverage Coming Soon
May, 2013
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Hapless, lovelorn tabloid reporter DANNY becomes a legendary lothario figure in his own paper when he seeks romance advice from an Indian guru.
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A woman with a deep fear of intimacy and an intense drinking problem finds out she is pregnant and must face her demons and make the ultimate life or death decision. Keep the baby or continue down her destructive spiral?
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April, 2013
When
Episode Synopsis:
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Stuart Greenquist leaves a life of shoveling manure on a Wisconsin dairy farm to come to Hollywood in 1951 to write for the popular SciFi TV show "Star Patrol." The young man's artistic illusions are soon shattered when he realizes he's not done shoveling, it's just the variety of manure that's changed.
Episode Synopsis:
In the pilot episode, Stuart comes to Hollywood believing he has a writing job sewn up. But Churchill Tobin, the mercurial producer, demands that Stuart write an all new script in three days to prove his chops. If he fails, it's back to the dairy farm for Stuart.
Coverage Coming Soon
Henry, a rich kid from Massachusetts, tries to prove - by climbing Katahdin - that he has guts enough to be "Franklin The Great's" little brother but finds, along the way, that he achieves a summit that the dead Franklin couldn't imagine.
Coverage Coming Soon
March, 2013
A struggling artist comes to suspect that the names he processes in his mind-numbing data entry job are the names of people who are consigned to die.
Coverage Coming Soon
A documentary-style sitcom send-up of expert-based reality shows such as Kitchen Nightmares, Extreme Home Makeovers, Super Nanny, Catfish, Hoarders and more, “Beyond Help' follows well-meaning but misguided ‘Handy' Andy Cornwall as he travels the country, bringing his special brand of “help' to various people in need.
Episode Synopsis:
In episode two, wanna-be reality show host 'Handy Andy' brings his special brand of "help" to some desperate parents, struggling to raise their unruly children. Will Andy be able to save this family before it's too late? No. Definitely not.
Coverage Coming Soon
On the verge of escaping her overbearing parents, an accomplished college student competes for a life changing scholarship, but is forced to choose between family and her own freedom when her institutionalized sister shows up at her doorstep.
Coverage Coming Soon
February, 2013
To have a chance to see his daughter grow up, an Albanian mobster in New York must overcome his almost religious devotion to his honor code and kill a key member of his Crime Family. (please read the AUTHOR'S NOTES before choosing to review)
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Skagway, Alaska 1897 -- a mining camp conceived in lawlessness and nurtured in anarchy blossoms overnight, when gold is discovered in the Yukon.
Episode Synopsis:
SOILED DOVES is a graphic portrayal of life in a despotic mining camp, depicting a salacious style of living that rivals decadent Rome. We survive alongside brothel madam Miss Rosette Ramsey, and experience her plight to keep the flourishing Sans Souci afloat, amid a series of personal and professional challenges orchestrated by Skagway's ruthless ruler Mr. Fleetwood Garner.
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When her city is razed and her people enslaved, an Amazon warrior embarks on a harrowing journey to find and kill the man responsible - Heracles.
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January, 2013
A brash Undercover Agent infiltrates the nefarious world of horse racing and enjoys his new environment a little too much.
Coverage Coming Soon
In an alternate world where Germany won World War II and now occupies North America, four friends in Los Angeles are forced to make choices that could save America, while tearing them apart from each other
Episode Synopsis:
A young man trying to leave his criminal past behind for the sake of his fiance' is forced to choose between allowing his best friend to be killed and go back to the life he swore to leave.
{please see AUTHOR'S NOTES before reviewing, thanks!}
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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Frank Gets Hit by a Bus (aka The Sunny Apprentice)
by Colin O'Brien
Sitcom, 34 pages
Comedy
Episode Synopsis:
A near-death experience convinces Frank it's time to leave the bar and return to the business world. Taking a page from Donald Trump, he decides to run the gang through a series of shady business tasks to determine who will become his highly paid "Apprentice."
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December, 2012
The Back Forty is a drama series set in New York City. It follows a group of friends in their 40s, struggling with marriage, raising kids, career, infidelity.
It explores the hopes and fears and the loves and the losses as some come to terms with the fact that they'll never be as successful as their parents, while others have far exceeded their goals.
In the tone of thirtysomething, Parenthood and Brothers & Sisters, The Back Forty has humor and drama, triumphs and tragedies... just like life itself.
Episode Synopsis:
Over the course of the pilot episode, five friends will be forced to take serious stock in their lives.
JOE REED, loving father and husband, struggling financially, will be fired from a job her loathes.
SAM EPLEY, in the 1% of the 1%ers, finds himself disconnected from his wife, and inexplicably drawn to a woman from far outside his circle.
DANNY KEHELLER, a confirmed bachelor, will have a scare that could shake the core of his foundation.
MIMI ROSS, a talented chef who sacrificed family for career, will confront the realization that she may have chosen the wrong path.
And LEIA GLAZER-CORBETT, once a woman who had everything, worries that her new marriage to a much older man as an end rather than a beginning.
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A documentary-style sitcom send-up of expert-based reality "makeover" shows such as Kitchen Nightmares, Bar Rescue, Extreme Home Makeovers, Super Nanny, Hotel Impossible, Hoarders, Catfish and more, “Beyond Help' follows well-meaning but misguided ‘Handy' Andy Cornwall as he travels the country, bringing his special brand of “help' to various people in need.
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November, 2012
Show Business today might be all envy and back-stabbing, but once upon a time, it wasn't even that nice.
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Everyone knows the basic story of the Trojan War. Achilles vs Hector. Helen of Troy. The Trojan Horse. This story is a part of our culture. Everyone from Shakespeare to James Joyce to the Coen brothers has written tales of the Greek epics.
Why has this story captured our imagination for over three thousand years? Why is this single epic written in a style unlike any other. Unlike Sinbad, Gilgamesh, and Hercules, the Trojan war is not the story of a single, unstoppable hero. It is an intricate tale, with many protagonists, told as if recounting an actual event, as opposed to an invented sto...
Episode Synopsis:
- Menelaus and Agamemnon plot on how to secure the hand of Helen.
- Raiders try to kill Alexandros, after he tries to protect his herd.
- Helen must decide which of her suitors to choose.
- Priam suspects that the shepherd boy (Alexandros) is his son Paris, and sends his sons to kill the boy.
- Palamedes dupes Diomedes and Odysseus out of Helen.
- Helen selects Menelaus
- Paris escapes to Troy where he is recognized by his mother.
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Two rival empires battle over the most beautiful woman in the world.
The Trojan War in full detail - somewhere between the Tudors and Spartacus.
Episode Synopsis:
Achilles is trained to become a great warrior.
Helen denies Menelaus as long as she can.
Calchas is removed as a priest, and has his youngest daughter forced to become a priest.
Paris enters the tournament, while Helenus tries to kill him. Coon and Hector come to his rescue.
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October, 2012
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The Gang crashes the Occupy Philly protests, each with their own twisted agenda.
Episode Synopsis:
The Occupy Movement has migrated to Love Park and the Gang wants in... Frank hatches a plan to suck the protestors dry of their last few dollars. Mac and Charlie jump aboard Frank's plan, but with ulterior motives. Dennis pretends to be a supporter of the cause to land an attractive protester, while Dee tries to fall in with a different crew.
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September, 2012
The line between right and wrong is blurred when a woman of faith kidnaps the neglected child of a heroin addict.
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A lovestruck peasant girl launches a quest to rescue her noble-born paramour from the clutches of her wealthy rival.
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A womanizing spy must save the world while facing a terrifying discovery – a 17 year old daughter he didn't know he had.
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August, 2012
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - The Gang Catches Predators
by Colin O'Brien
Sitcom, 29 pages
Comedy
Episode Synopsis:
In an effort to revive their favorite cancelled TV show, the gang takes it upon themselves to lure, confront, and ultimately, tackle, internet sexual predators.
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A down-to-earth account of the lives of both illustrious and ordinary people living in the town of Nusquam set in a liminal world somewhere between western and fantasy.
Episode Synopsis:
After arresting Thomas Pike, Captain Marshall Zebulon Bodmer returns back to the mining town of Nusquam with his deputies. The Lord Mayor of Nusquam then sends Bodmer to investigate a mysterious artifact miners found in the bottom of a mine. Meanwhile Pike kills two men and escapes from jail. The paths of the outlaw and the lawman cross once again in a final showdown.
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Comedy-Horror fruit salad, soaked in everclear, and set ablaze. Dig in.
Contents: bad language, excessive violence, gut-wrenching gore, offensive sexuality, high in cholesterol, loaded with fat, and enough sodium to sterilize your average adult yak.
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July, 2012
The Jack Off: The Life & Times of the Greatest Lumber Jack to Ever Live
by Chris Sligh
Screenplay, 97 pages
Comedy
When the greatest competitive lumber jack ever realizes he's broke and decides to come out of retirement, he comes to understand that to truly make a comeback, he must get more than his body in shape to defeat his arch-nemesis and be a world champion again. {Please read the Author Notes before selecting - thank you!}
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Episode Synopsis:
Larry David has a hard time being smart without being an ass.
A traffic violation leads Larry David to traffic court and community service as a traffic cross walk guard. Meanwhile, the hybrid car maybe a silent killer, and Jeff Green is losing weight while getting Rolf-ed.
Winner of 8 'Best' awards. Ranked #1 on Talentville, and #1 on MovieBytes.com.
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June, 2012
The headline in this morning's Christmastown Chronicle: “CIVIL WAR AT THE NORTH POLE!'
The reindeer stable hand leads the Christmastown elves in a war against the evil Ice Wizard plotting to steal the operation from Ol' Nick.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
POLAR OPPOSITION is an edgy re-envisioning of Christmas lore in the spirit of a film such as ELF. The story follows the plight of the worker-class elves as they become the target of the ire of the two-faced wizard, Glazier. The writer does an interesting job with mashing up fantasy elements and Christmas lore with the more practical socio-economic realities Santa Claus' operation. The strongest aspects of the screenplay are the premise and its refreshing take on the Christmas world. The story is well-conceived and the structure demonstrates the writer's solid ability to maintain the plot's focus where it may have easily floundered.
After his wife seperates from him and he loses his job on the same day while on a business trip, an overworked work-a-holic must rely on a series of lovable, wacky strangers to get home, to try and put his family (and life) back together in time for the Holidays.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
A Lot Like Christmas is a family comedy about an ambitious workaholic who loses his job days before Christmas and is in danger of losing his family if he doesn't get home in time. The script feels like a predictable cross between Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and I'll be Home for Christmas. Its humor consists mostly of vignettes as James is stranded in Wisconsin with his credit cards cancelled and a pittance of cash and is forced to accept help from an eclectic group of characters all in an effort to get home to save his family. While the premise is solidly comic if not trite, it feels like the humor here could still be dialed up a notch or two. This project starts with a very workable premise and has the potential to make audiences laugh with over-the-top supporting characters and ridiculous vignettes, however further tweaks in the plot and development of characters need to be implemented to bring out the full potential of this script.
When an outspoken mother of five is forced into planning a Christmas funeral for her estranged mother her conflicted emotions and inability to hold her tongue threaten to derail the proceedings and alienate her two sisters.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
While the basic idea at the heart of This Joyful Season (i.e., a family-focused holiday melodrama centered on three sisters) has some interest as a character piece with appeal to the adult female market, a number of factors limit the potential for it to be a successful or commercial story. Chief among these are the characters, which do not provide enough appeal to serve as entry points into the plot or have likeable qualities for the audience to relate to. Rather than showing nuance, the characters are frequently abrasive, even bordering on abusive, and do little to earn sympathy despite the difficult and tragic situation they are thrust into. This is a case where certain elements of character personality overpower all other (or potential other) qualities, thereby making the cast seem one-note when in fact they are (or should be) otherwise.
May, 2012
A disgraced tennis star attempts to jump start his comeback after a drug scandal.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
WILDCARD is a small character driven sports dramedy about a fallen tennis star's comeback that has the potential to be a very solid film with further development. It is somewhat surprising that tennis has not translated itself better in movies. Beautiful young athletes, lots of money, celebrity, and most importantly the direct competition are all inherent elements of the sport. Based on the potential strength of this story, with stronger developed characters and a more defined external conflict this script has a good working formula to delve into this relatively untapped world and should merit consideration.
A black comedy about a Desperate Housewife who joins a Cult of Tiger Moms to discipline her Rebellious Children.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This is an interesting script with intriguing premise that is, unfortunately hindered by poor structure/execution, unlikable characters, problematic dialogue, and tonal discord. While the core concept of an examination of the ‘Tiger Mom' path to success is a worthy topic to explore and debate, and the setup of having a Caucasian mother (though raised by Taiwanese parents) being the ringleader is a good twist on expectations, on the whole the script seems to be more about forcing the concept on the characters (via the apparatus of Suki and her minions) rather than examining specifically why each character either responds to these methods or rejects them. There also seems to be an overt amount of demonizing in the script (of individual characters, cultures, traditions) that ultimately results in no one being likeable, leaving the story without a protagonist and making the characters difficult if not impossible to relate to. There's definitely a quality idea lurking in here that can be more effectively realized, but as it stands at present, the script will need much work to reach that state.
When a noncommittal, skirt-chasing college student falls for a new co-worker, his domineering wing-woman becomes threatened by the sudden change to their own relationship.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
THE HOOKUP is a romantic comedy about 3 college friends who are desperately trying to find a date for their senior Halloween party. The story follows Chris and his best friend, Allie. Chris is a guy who has a history of one-night stands and struggles to find a girl he wants to commit to. Allie is outgoing and gorgeous and always resorts to using her sexuality to find someone to sleep with. In general, none of the screenplay's elements come together to form a story that is original, witty or entertaining. The premise is similar in tone to generic young-adult rom-coms that focus on male leads searching for one-night stands and end up discovering something deeper. The plot doesn't push for anything we haven't seen before and the dialogue doesn't deliver any particularly refreshing jokes. Overall, this script needs quite a bit of work.
April, 2012
A closeted movie star enters into a staged relationship with a struggling starlet, and while this arrangement seemingly helps both their careers, it has huge ramifications in their personal lives.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
THE SETUP is a light hearted drama about the difficulties of Hollywood politics. The story follows a major actor and a struggling actress who are forced to come together in order to further their careers. Along the way, they become great friends, but also realize that they've sold out much of what they care deeply about. The story develops the two main characters clearly, structures the plot logically, but runs into a great deal of clichés. The decisions and the lies that the two main characters make are empathetic, but the writing doesn't sell their personalities in any extraordinarily relatable manner. The writing does a good job establishing a unique original conflict about its main characters. However, outside of the set-up, the story flounders and settles into a monotonous pattern that doesn't manage to explore the full emotional potential of the premise.
A desperate widow needs to save her job by proving she's worthy and must fire a subversive math teacher that she's fallen for.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
While this script follows the tried-and-true conventions of the romantic comedy genre and effectively creates its largely likeable characters, a lack of serious tension or stakes, as well as the absence of true character arcs for the leads, prevents it from rising to its full potential. This is not to say that the characters or conflict are inherently flawed, but rather that the way in which they are developed over the course of the script is not as effective as it should be. More work is needed to bring out the conflict and romantic charge between Gabby and Jess, to delve into the pain in their backstories that has led them to where they are now, and to connect the problems of their past to specifically why they want and need the job/love they are currently seeking. In addition, some work revising and improving the supporting characters and the demands they place on the central duo will help streamline the story and laser-focus each and every conflict squarely on the same central questions, of whether they can overcome the difficulties of their pasts, and whether they will place work before love.
To save his kind from annihilation, an angel is forced to confront his beloved counterpart.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This is a unique premise for a movie, however there's absolutely no three-act structure, nor is there a decent climax. This story has the potential to be a compelling project yet at this juncture it is a lot of style with too little substance. While the overall story presents an intriguing and potentially lucrative premise it just needs to be more thoroughly developed in order to fully capture the audience. Specifically the pacing of the story needs reworking and the main characters need to have more complex journeys. With thorough and imaginative revisions this script can deliver a complex, memorable main character, a number of colorful and exciting scenes, and a compelling and emotional central dramatic/romantic thread wrapped in a thought-provoking revisionist biblical adaptation set in modern times.
March, 2012
If General MacArthur doesn't get reinforcements yesterday, the Japanese will own Australia and New Zealand tomorrow.
A mere 73 days into World War II, Colonel Eugene Eubanks leads a top-secret mission down under to fend off
the invading power of the Rising Sun. To give success a chance, he has to make the choice of heroes.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
Choice of Heroes tells an epic story about a legendary squadron that helped turn the tide of World War II in the South Pacific in favor of the Allies. Far and away the best scenes and sequences in the script remain those involving aerial combat; they are flat-out spectacular on paper and should be dazzling, horrific/heroic and altogether tragic on film. The script's finale, the extended aerial bombing raid on the Yamamoto fleet, offers the sort of storytelling for which widescreen, IMAX and CGI were all created. Overall, Choice of Heroes tells the story of an illustrious fighter squadron with plenty of aerial combat and great attention to detail.
Two travelers and a Namibian guide find themselves caught in-between a secret, secessionist war raging across the barren wilderness of the Caprivi Strip.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This interesting script premised on tourists caught up in an African political dispute hits the right marks early in setting up the characters and conflict but falters in the second and third acts, running longer than it needs and lacking the building momentum needed to keep the reader fully invested. Character dialogue and motivation are areas needing improvement as they do not always seem justified or clear, and structurally, more work is needed to escalate the level of tension so that it rises up to and through the third act, rather than remaining largely unchanged after the conclusion of the first act. Throughout the script, there is a feeling of potential in the situations set up for the conflict: the competing sides and their tactics, the political motivations for the secret war, the importance of having the right hostage (or collaborator), and so on. The problem is that this potential is not capitalized on fully: the situations are presented, but the events surrounding them or occurring due to them tend to occur in muted terms, or sometimes off-screen, robbing them of their full dramatic potential.
To fulfill his mother's dying wish for a plain headstone -- "no seraphs, no cherubs" -- a devoted son has to face off against stone masons who see no profit in plain headstones and push him to buy at least one cherub; an acerbic aunt who decides he won't do the right thing and buys her own headstone; a dysfunctional family who decide to do what's right and each buy their own headstone; and a cemetery keeper who believes his backhoe is a refugee from Jurassic Park.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
FAMILY PLOTZ is a family comedy that follows a man in his 30s and his Jewish family as they figure out which headstone they should go with—his or the deceased's sister's. Generally, the script conveys a clear and understandable storyline and stars a believably Jewish family. The strongest aspects of the script are the structure and its premise. That said, there aren't too many elements in the script that stand out. The dialogue, themes and characters fall into a pretty generic molding. The concept is simple, which puts an added pressure on the dialogue and characters to remain interesting. However, most of the characters, along with the protagonist aren't particularly active and do not contribute much to the action of the plot. Although there are some tender moments that revolve around the family, the screenplay remains simple and does not attempt to bring anything fresh into the family comedy.
February, 2012
A fallen champion in the unlikely sport of horseshoes struggles to defeat the windbag rival who took his title and girlfriend while a new woman challenges him to ditch the shoes and pursue his forgotten dream of musical stardom.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
THE LEANER is a really fun project that has all the makings of a mainstream comedy hit. The writing is funny, the principal characters are vivid, and the plot is full of fun developments and good comedic timing. As a casting opportunity there's an awful lot to like about this as well. It's definitely a little over plotted but THE LEANER is a hilarious buddy comedy that could fit squarely into the whole Apatow mold, ultimately bringing to mind something like Old School or Dodgeball with its frat-boy humor and inspired comedic ensemble. Simply put, this is a terrific midrange project, unquestionably marketable and full of laughs, not to mention some very fun roles for up and coming talent. The only caveat, really, is that the material currently reads a little long, with perhaps a few too many beats in its first and second act plot work, but this is ultimately a minor complaint in an otherwise engaging and truly enjoyable piece.
An average henchman goes to war against his super villain boss for improved working conditions.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
HENCHMAN is a witty, refreshing action-comedy that approaches its story from the perspective of the lowly, faceless henchman. The story opens with a snappy, effective introduction into Mike's pathetic life. The hook moves quickly and successfully creates an endearing picture of the main character. As the story moves on, a convincing love interest is introduced and the main character's overall dramatic need becomes clear: to become the extraordinary person that he has never been. Mike's story is an easy one to root for as an audience and his qualities as a main character are charming. His chemistry with Nina is well written and sells the point quickly and convincingly. However, the story starts to slow down and lose its momentum towards the latter stages of the second act as it becomes clear that a direct confrontation between Mike and The Lion is inevitable. The final act is a promising, explosive and entertaining action sequence that resolves the main conflict, but generally executes without much flair or the same wit as the opening. At times, the dialogue during the action strays into cliché and feels drawn out beyond the momentum the story has earned.
A homeless war hero, on the streets of D.C. receives a magical Christmas gift and with it a time traveling journey to save himself.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
While the concept of this dramedy script is interesting and provides many good opportunities for historical humor as well as a rare look into the lives of contemporary homeless veterans, the uneven tonal shifts and unexplained central conceit hamper the script's quality. In trying to weave comedy into this inherently serious story, the script loses focus and feels overlong, unable to firmly articulate what direction Bob's story should be moving toward. To improve this script and better realize the premise, some fundamental decisions must to be made about the organization of the story. Is this a drama or a comedy? Is it more about visiting the historical moments (either for humor potential or to work out the mistakes of the past), or about the lives of the veterans? Too many disparate elements are awkwardly combined to gel into a cohesive, compelling whole, and as such some of these elements either need to be eliminated (creating a leaner but more razor-focused plot), or another approach toward justifying the central device of time-travel, and a better handling of the veteran focused humor, is required. In either case, the priority in subsequent drafts should be isolating the most important aspects of the story and bringing them to the fore, so that the reader can easily ascertain the point and purpose of the script and identify with its characters.
January, 2012
Truman once wrote, "The only thing new in this world is the history we don't know." This script follows the life of John Scobell, one of the first black spies recruited by Allen Pinkerton during the Civil War. Much like the Lincoln Conspiracy, Scobell's adventures are history you'll never see taught in school; that ex-slaves returned to the South to spy for the North and how their courageous efforts single handedly undergirded Lincoln's efforts to preserve the union.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
A fascinating historical account of former black slaves returning to the South to spy for the North, Forgotten Spies, is a thrilling and suspenseful story that successfully recreates the most dramatic elements of this forgotten chapter of the Civil War. The story gets off to a deliberate start with freed slave John Scobell being recruited by the famous detective Allan Pinkerton into his underground spy network infiltrating the Confederate army and delivering vital information north to the Union command. The script seamlessly blends historical figures such as John Scobell, Allan Pinkerton, Charlie Wright and Harriet Tubman into an enthralling espionage story that forces one to reconsider exactly how the North won the Civil War. While the script capably portrays the exploits of Scobell and Tubman in an entertaining manner, at times the plot is too familiar and the action becomes a bit redundant in the second act, but the piece nevertheless also incorporates inherent racial issues and personal conflicts that give the drama layers and depth.
When the unproven leader of a medieval village loses his wife to murder, he grabs a blade and smashes through the gates of the Heavenly Otherworld to get her back - and they've been expecting him
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
This is a well-written, action-packed fantasy script with strong characters, an interesting premise, and tons of dazzling visuals. In short, this is a script with potential for commercial success in the current fantasy-focused market. While the script is by and large gripping and excellent, issues with clarity and structure hold it back from a recommendation. But a high level of potential and polish is there, and with some revision, this is a script that could easily move into ‘recommend' territory.
The best aspects of the script are the establishment of the characters in the first act, the quality and scale of the visual creations, and the interesting duality of Aaron and Valery's roles and godly parents. Weaker aspects are the lack of further development of Valery after she is killed at the end of the first act, less explanation/setup for the events in the later part of the second and third acts, and the aforementioned structure. As the weaknesses are mostly concentrated in the last 40 pages, the majority of the comments focus on this section.
A Detective races to stop someone abducting and killing the children of police officers. The next child to go missing -- his own daughter.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
DEVIL AMONG US has an intriguing start with a lot of potential for a controversial and unique murder mystery. However, the story falls into a generic mold and doesn't attempt to intimately engage the darkness of its premise. The writing tries to push the conventions of the murder mystery without properly earning the final solution. The premise isn't anything groundbreaking nor is it executed to its full potential, but it is a solid start. The screenplay has a comfortable start and a consistent pace. The writing builds tension and intrigue as the search escalates and the body count rises. The screenplay's main issue is that it attempts to cover a lot of ground, but doesn't maintain a clear direction. Overall, it is an intriguing idea, but doesn't do enough of the character or background legwork to sell the story.
December, 2011
In the beginning God created man... and ignited the fury of angels. Once a shining light in the darkness, Lucifer would descend into madness and lead his armies in rebellion against God's faithful warriors.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
The new draft of ‘Paradise' is a step in the right direction and shows growth (as demonstrated by the improved grades on the scoring chart above). However this was already a script that earned a consider so the material was in great shape to begin with. Following the biblical events from the creation of the Garden of Eden through the banishment of Lucifer and other angels to hell, this is an expansive, engrossing tale. The ultimate battle of good versus evil. At the center of it all is still Lucifer, once an angel bathed in God's light, he deteriorates because of greed and ego and by story's end he has compromised mankind and God's will. As discussed in the last coverage report, watching a character fall is always fascinating, especially if said downfall feels organic as it does here. Lucifer has fought long and hard for God, he has shown loyalty and undying love, so naturally he wonders why man seems to be receiving more love and attention. He needs to have faith in God's will. This is the ultimate test and Lucifer fails and bloodshed follows. Again, all gripping stuff with huge stakes! The character works remains exceptional and things build leading to the final battle between the two sets of angels, and ultimately the showdown between Michael and Lucifer. The ending strikes a great bittersweet note. Man has been corrupted but hope and faith remain.
Will 'n Shakespeare - Episode One: Barred from Stratford - The Final Chapter
by Tim Lane
Screenplay, 110 pages
Comedy
The great British icon suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous farce when a black fry cook, Shakespeare, and an illiterate English peasant, Will, team up to become the world's single greatest playwright.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘Will ‘n Shakespeare' is a competently written screenplay that demonstrates a healthy sense of humor and a great love of the Bard. The re-imagining of events has promise and there are lots of pop culture references and shout-outs (Star Wars, Anne Hathaway, Spiderman) for the audience to pick up on. Will is a kind-hearted (if dim, more below) protagonist trying to overcome obstacles (like being illiterate) to become a famous playwright. Various characters and situations that pop up along the way influence his future stories.
These secondary characters are effective, from Mum, to Uncle Hamlet, to Juliet, to Shakespeare, they all work and add to the mix. The dialogue is the strongest part of the script right now because it helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including redemption, family, love, and romance. There are some witty one-liners and sharp observations along the way that help elevate things and provide many of the laughs. Last, the tone is light and even and consistent throughout.
A prison escapee has 24 hours to clear her name while pursued by a relentless and lethal tracking device.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘Seeker' is a competently written screenplay with thrills and lots of action. There is some solid imagination at play when it comes to the title ‘seeker', an advanced security system used by a prison to prevent escape. Reagan is a sympathetic protagonist, a brave lady who spends her time teaching women how to defend themselves from dangerous attackers (a noble pursuit). When her boyfriend is killed and she is framed for the murder of two cops she has to fight to survive and clear her good name. There are tons of twists and turns along the way and lots of set pieces to keep the ball rolling. The secondary characters are effective as well, from reporter Adam, to the danger Hartley, to cellmate Nona, they all work and add to the mix. Ausbrooks is a formidable antagonist out to destroy Reagan to keep his drug enterprise humming. The dialogue is also a standout right now as it helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including redemption, murder, greed, and evil. There are some witty one-liners and sharp observations along the way that help elevate things and break up the tension. Last, the tone is dark but even and consistent throughout.
November, 2011
A daring smuggler hired to rescue a Jewish family struggles to outrun a vengeful Nazi U-Boat captain before his own cutthroat crew can turn on him.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘A Ship Through Fire' is an engrossing, exciting screenplay that demonstrates solid writing across the board. A thrilling tale about smugglers dodging Nazis at the start of the World War II, the script mixes history and high adventure on the seas and the end result is effective. There are tons of big set pieces and nail-biting close calls. The ending is effective but organic. Jake is a great protagonist, a brave, smart ship captain with unquestionable loyalty to his men and his mission. His refusal to turn his back on his human cargo, even after it became unpopular, showed his real integrity. The secondary cast is strong as well, from protective sidekick Obasi, to love interest Miriam, to treacherous Seamus, they all work and help elevate the material. Bauer is compelling as the bad guy, a formidable antagonist to face off with Jake. Also, the relationship that develops between Jake and Miriam feels believable. The dialogue is also strong throughout and helps flesh out some of the characters discussed above. There's also some subtext layered in a number of fronts including violence, loyalty, tolerance, courage, integrity, and redemption. There are also some sharp and witty one-liners and observations. Last, the tone is even and consistent throughout.
When a treaty promising world peace turns into the next world war, average Americans are left to stand up and fight back against overwhelming odds...
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘The End of War' is a competently written screenplay with tons of excitement and action. The writing demonstrates a healthy imagination and exacting detail for guerilla warfare. When the United States refuses to sign on to a worldwide coalition because it limits freedoms said coalition attacks, targeting the American way of life. The stakes couldn't be higher and the leads all come from diverse backgrounds and living situations. James is a soldier madly in love. Taylor is a depressed husband and father watching his marriage and family collapse. Travis is on a lifechanging expedition into the mountains of Montana. The attack on the country brings them all together under a common goal, hold off the enemy and keep their basic freedoms. There are obviously countless big set pieces including the destruction of many major American cities. The body count is high and ending is ambiguous (believable but not satisfying – more below). The dialogue is one of the stronger parts of the screenplay right now as it helps build up the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including freedom, friendship, loyalty, violence, forgiveness, and redemption. There are some tough-guy one-liners and sharp observations to boot. Last, the tone is even and consistent throughout.
When an elusive disk lands in his drop-off box, a disheartened video store owner must destroy a military AI before she replaces mankind with her own creatures. That's Matt Emery's story and he's sticking to it.
OR
Matt Emery wasn't feeling quite himself so they Ctrl Alt Deleted.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘Ctrl-Alt-Deleted' is a solid science-fiction thriller that demonstrates effective writing and a great sense of imagination. The world is involving, the set pieces and action are truly thrilling, and the ending is tragic but organic to this world. Matt is a solid protagonist, a down-on-his-luck man trying to deal with the loss of his business and the destruction of his marriage. Then, with the simple return of a mysterious DVD to his video store, he is pulled into a complicated conspiracy that could cost him his life. Pug-Nose and Square-Jaw are formidable antagonists, deadly robots that can't be stopped (unless of course they run low on juice). Gloria is great as Matt's saving grace and fills Matt (and by extension the audience) in on much of what's going on. There are other interesting secondary characters in play as well, from Jonathan, to Pandora, to Jacques. The dialogue is also strong and helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including redemption, forgiveness, loyalty, bravery, and courage. There are some sharp tough-guy lines and witty banter to boot. Last, the tone is even and consistent throughout.
October, 2011
In the flavor of an edgy CATCH ME IF YOU CAN meets ROBIN HOOD... RED PHOENIX is an inspired by true events tale following a disgraced pilot who pulls two of history's greatest unsolved heists to finance his crusade against oppression and exploitation in the third world. Screenplay by Vic Olam.
Coverage Summary: (read full coverage)
‘Red Phoenix' is an exciting and original screenplay that demonstrates painstaking research and great writing. That it's all based on true events only adds to the material's appeal! Dan Baron is a sympathetic protagonist despite his criminal tendencies. It all comes down to intent and Dan's intentions are always pure and kind-hearted. He is Robin Hood behind the stick, a pilot anxious to help change the world. He also proves smart and brave, a killer combination that will certainly reel in future readers and audience members. Maria is also effective as his love interest. Their relationship is organic and believable, which makes the ending that much more heartbreaking. There are several exciting set pieces involving an art heist, a hijacking, a prison break, and a plane crash (can't get more exciting than that!). Wiles is a formidable antagonist, a determined and demented FBI agent chasing Dan all over the world. He creates real tension whenever he shows up and fires the killshot that takes Maria out in the end. The dialogue is really strong throughout the screenplay as well. It helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including friendship, love, crime, and violence. There are countless sharp and witty one-liners and observations to boot. Last, the tone is dark but even and consistent throughout the screenplay.
Washed up swashbuckler turned reporter Errol Flynn butts heads with rebel leader Fidel Castro as he tries to raise his kudos during the uprising, but things turn deadly when he does clandestine work for the CIA.
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‘Errol Flynn - The Rebel' is a competent screenplay that demonstrates solid writing. Centered on actor Errol Flynn as he deteriorates into obscurity and alcoholism, the script captures an interesting moment in his life. Desperate to rebuild his public image Errol travels to Cuba during the revolution of the 1950's and rubs shoulders with President Batista AND rebel leader Fidel Castro. Double and triple-crosses follow and the ending proves exciting. The final moments are bittersweet but still manage to nail some irony and humor. Errol is an engrossing (if not sympathetic, more below) protagonist and his journey is undeniably compelling. The secondary characters are interesting as well, specifically the romance between Maria and John. The dialogue is also a big standout in the screenplay because it helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including redemption, addiction, friendship, love, loyalty, and betrayal. There are also countless witty and sharp one-liners thanks mostly to Errol. Last, the tone is even and consistent throughout.
A clairvoyant Bedouin Nomad in search of her missing son, finds an ally in death when an American Navy Seal team are unwittingly killed in battle. Forced to guide the soldiers to safety, she leads them through a violent afterlife where peace and understanding are the only path to redemption.
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‘Valhalla' is a solid screenplay with an engrossing premise and some shocking twists and turns. Lieutenant Kirkland leads a team of Navy Seals across the desert in hopes of finding an outpost. Instead they end up in battle with Arab horsemen, Nazis, and even Celtic Warriors. Intercut with this is an investigation into the team's disappearance led by Captain Pruitt. Trista is the common link and serves as the real figure shrouded in mystery. The revelation that the team is dead and trapped in Valhalla, a purgatory for dead soldiers in need of redemption, is truly shocking and satisfying. The parallel storyline with Pruitt is effective as well and the big reveal in the morgue packs some punch. There are some big set pieces along way (soldiers rising out of sand, Nazi ghosts, etc.) and the ending is solid. The secondary characters are effective as well: Williams, Emery, Heimer, and even the Pale Soldier all add to the mix. The dialogue is strong as well and helps develop the characters discussed above while layering in subtext on a number of fronts including redemption, forgiveness, violence, loyalty, and death. There's also some sharp and witty banter amongst the soldiers. The tone is dark but even and consistent throughout.
